Should You Trust Someone Who Blows Hot and Cold? Zhongfu Hexagram on Weeping or Singing

Zhongfu (Inner Truth) is all about the sincerity deep in one’s heart. When applied to relationships, it means telling the difference between passionate heat and steady reliability.

A girl once asked me, “Is he really sincere about me?”

I said, “Tell me more about it.”

She said, “When he’s warm, he’s unbelievably sweet—he sends flowers, picks me up and drops me off, and remembers every single important date for me. But when he’s cold, he can go three days without replying to my messages, and just says he’s busy when I ask.”

This had gone on for a year.

I said, “You’re not trying to figure out if he’s sincere. You’re waiting for a steady, certain answer.”

Zhongfu is the 61st hexagram: 风泽中孚 (Feng Ze Zhong Fu, Wind over Lake: Inner Truth). “Fu” means sincerity and trust; “Zhong” means in the heart. True sincerity lives in the heart, not on the lips.

The Hexagram Judgment says: 中孚，豚鱼吉，利涉大川，利贞。(Zhongfu: sincerity reaches even pigs and fish, good fortune; it furthers one to cross the great water; it furthers to be correct.)

“Sincerity reaches even pigs and fish, good fortune” means true sincerity is the kind that even the dullest fish can feel—that’s what real sincerity is.

This line is pretty blunt. It means real sincerity doesn’t require you to overanalyze it over and over; even someone slow to pick up on things can feel it.

If you have to guess and second-guess all the time, it’s mostly not sincerity—it’s just mood swings.

The Six in the Third Place (六三) says: 得敌，或鼓或罢，或泣或歌。(Meeting one’s match, now beating the drum, now desisting; now weeping, now singing.)

“Beating the drum” means advancing; “desisting” means pulling back; “weeping” is crying; “singing” is joy. One minute you’re pushing forward, the next you’re pulling back; one minute you’re crying, the next you’re laughing. That’s the state of being led around by your emotions.

This line isn’t talking about the other person—it’s talking about you.

In this kind of relationship, you’ve also become someone who “now beats the drum, now desists; now weeps, now sings.” When he’s warm, you’re on cloud nine for three days; when he’s cold, you’re miserable for a week. After a year, your emotions aren’t yours anymore—they’re his.

So how do you tell if someone is trustworthy?

I usually tell people to look for one thing: consistency.

Don’t look at what they say. Look at how many steady, consistent actions they take over three months.

How many times did they show up on time? How many times did they follow through on what they promised? How many times were they there when you were upset? How many times did their words match their actions?

Steady, consistent actions are what “Fu” (sincerity) means. Up-and-down inconsistency is just mood.

Some people might ask, “But aren’t relationships supposed to have ups and downs?”

Yes. Ups and downs are normal. But there’s a line to those ups and downs: a bottom line that never gets crossed.

Remembering your birthday when things are good, and still remembering you’re afraid of the dark when things are cold—that’s having ups and downs but keeping a bottom line.

Promising you everything when things are hot, and not even checking in when you’re in the hospital when things are cold—that’s not ups and downs. That’s having no line at all.

The Hexagram Judgment has another line: 利涉大川。(It furthers one to cross the great water.)

“Crossing the great water” means taking on big life things: getting married, buying a house, starting a business together.

Zhongfu says you can only cross that river when there’s enough trust.

This line solves a lot of people’s dilemmas: it’s not that you can’t be together—it’s just not time to cross the river yet.

If trust isn’t there, don’t cross the river. Force it, and both of you will be in danger.

So how do you build up trust?

The Zhongfu hexagram lays out two rules.

One is from the Nine in the Second Place (九二): 鸣鹤在阴，其子和之。我有好爵，吾与尔靡之。(The crane calls from the shade, its young answer it. I have a fine cup of wine, I will share it with you.)

A crane calls from a hidden place, and its chicks answer right back. This means sincerity doesn’t need to be shouted—people who resonate with it will respond naturally.

In relationships, this means don’t trade grand declarations for trust. Saying “I love you” every day doesn’t compare to showing up once when they’re going through the hardest time of their life.

The other is from the Nine at the Top (上九): 翰音登于天，贞凶。(The cock’s cry rises to heaven; perseverance brings misfortune.)

“Han Yin” is the crow of a rooster. No matter how loud a rooster crows, it can never fly up to the sky.

This line means when your words are bigger than your actions, you’ll fall sooner or later. The more over-the-top your promises are, the harder you’ll crash when you can’t keep them.

So when you’re sizing someone up, don’t look at what big promises they dare to make. Look at what small things they dare to commit to.

People who dare to promise small things and follow through are the ones you can count on for big things.

Later, that girl did something. She got a notebook and tracked things for three months—only actions, no words.

After three months, she saw it clearly herself. His only consistent actions were two things: reaching out to her when he was in a good mood, and reaching out to her when he needed someone.

She closed the notebook and said to me, “I actually knew this a year ago.”

I said, “Yeah. You just didn’t have proof you could believe in enough to convince yourself.”

Zhongfu isn’t about testing anyone. It’s about stopping yourself from making excuses for the other person.

You don’t have to guess if someone is worth trusting. Just count how many times they’ve followed through.