Always Initiating in Love? Tired? Cui Hexagram First Six: "有孚不终，乃乱乃萃" (Sincerity Fails to Last, Chaos and Gathering Follow)

Have you ever been in a relationship like this?

You’re always the first to send a message, the first to make a call, the first to plan a date — even the first to pick a fight with him.

He’s always busy, always “going with the flow”, always saying “I’m fine with anything”, “whatever you want”, “you decide”. You pour your whole heart into being good to him, but he never rejects you nor responds warmly — he never initiates, never pushes you away either.

Sometimes you tell yourself that’s just his personality: slow to warm up, introverted, bad at expressing feelings. But deep down, something feels off — why am I always the one leaning in? Why am I always the one holding this relationship together?

After a while, you get tired. You stop initiating, wanting to see if he’ll reach out to you. And what happens? If you don’t text him, he truly doesn’t text you. One day, two days, a whole week — he goes about his life like nothing’s wrong.

Tell me, doesn’t that break your heart?

To put it bluntly, this relationship was a “chaotic gathering” from the start — you may be together on the surface, but your hearts aren’t aligned, your sincerity isn’t matched, and you’re not pulling in the same direction.

The ancients described this state in the First Line of the Cui (Gathering Together) Hexagram.

The Cui Hexagram is Zedi Cui (Gathering Together), which speaks of assembly and convergence. When two people come together, that’s a form of “cui” — for a relationship to work, both your bodies and your hearts need to gather as one.

But the First Line is the bottommost line of the hexagram: a Yin Line in a yang position, lacking strength, out of place, and short on sincerity.

The Line Text for the First Six of Cui says: 「有孚不终，乃乱乃萃。若号，一握为笑。勿恤，往无咎。」

What does it mean? When sincerity doesn’t last through to the end, any gathering will be chaotic. If you call out and reach out actively, and the other person is willing to step forward, shake your hand and smile, then there’s no need to worry — moving forward will bring No blame.

Let that line sink in — 「有孚不终，乃乱乃萃」.

There’s sincerity, but not enough; there’s affection, but not deep enough; you’re together, but your hearts aren’t truly bonded. This state is exactly “chaotic gathering” — it looks like you’re united, but underneath it’s all a mess.

Why does “chaotic gathering” happen in relationships? Here are three reasons — how many apply to you?

First: You leaned in too fast, and they weren’t ready yet.

A lot of people get swept off their feet the second they start seeing someone. Just a few days in, they’re baring their whole soul, already seeing this person as their lifelong partner, planning out the next few decades together.

You’re all fired up, while they’re still on the fence, still weighing things up, not fully sure yet. You take a step forward, they take half a step back. You think they’re being cold; they think you’re being overwhelming.

It’s not that they don’t love you — you just fell too fast. When your rhythms don’t match, of course you’ll feel tired.

But this kind of situation can still be fixed. They don’t dislike you; they just need time. Slow down, let them catch up to your pace, and you two can end up on the same page.

Second: They just don’t like you that much — they just don’t dislike you either.

This one’s a lot harder to hear: they don’t like you all that much, but they don’t hate you either. When you initiate, they go along with it; when you’re good to them, they enjoy the treatment; when you stop initiating, they couldn’t care less.

They’re not “slow to warm up” — they never warmed up at all. It’s not that they can’t be proactive — they just won’t be proactive with you.

Why don’t they just be straight with you? Because they haven’t found anyone better yet. They’ll keep things casual for now — no skin off their back. Who knows, maybe they’ll catch feelings someday? And if they never find anyone better, settling for you isn’t the worst option.

In this kind of relationship, the more you initiate, the more passive they get; the more you give, the more they take it for granted. You think you’re dating; they think they’re “riding a donkey while looking for a horse”.

This is a textbook example of 「有孚不终，乃乱乃萃」 — when sincerity doesn’t last, any gathering is just chaos.

Third: You can’t even tell if you love them, or if you just love the feeling of “being in love”.

This is the most easily overlooked reason: you’re being so proactive, giving so much — maybe not because you love them that deeply, but because you love the feeling of “I’m in a relationship”, the self-satisfaction of being “such a devoted person”.

One reply from him makes your whole day; one smile from him and you’re already scripting a whole romance in your head; one small kind gesture and you’re convinced he’s head over heels for you.

But the truth? You’re not in love with who they are — you’re in love with the fantasy of love you’ve built in your head. The more you initiate and give, the deeper you sink — not because they’re that great, but because you can’t bear to walk away from all you’ve invested.

In this kind of “chaotic gathering”, the chaos isn’t in the relationship — it’s in your own heart.

So if you’re always the one initiating in a relationship, what should you do? Here are three paths to choose from.

First: Pause for a moment, and see if they’ll come to you.

「若号，一握为笑」 — if you call out and reach out, and the other person is willing to respond, to take your hand, to laugh with you, then everything’s fine.

The key point? It’s this: when you reach out your hand, do they reach back?

Don’t just keep charging forward on your own. Stop and observe. If you stop initiating, will they come find you? If you stop doting on them, will they notice the difference? If you’re upset, will they care?

Pause, and the answer will reveal itself.

If they do reach out, do initiate care for you, do make an effort to change — that means you matter to them, they just move at a slower pace or have a more passive personality. Be patient with them, give them more time, and you two can gradually sync up.

If they couldn’t care less — if you don’t text them they don’t text you, if you’re upset they don’t react at all — then you need to face the facts. They don’t like you that much, and no amount of initiating on your part will change that.

Second: Lay all your cards on the table — stop putting on a one-person inner drama.

「乃乱乃萃」 — what’s the root of the chaos? Lack of clear communication. You don’t know what they’re thinking, they don’t know what you’re thinking, and the whole relationship runs on guesswork. How could it not be chaotic?

Stop guessing, stop testing, stop playing cold war. Say what you mean directly.

Just tell them: “I feel like I’m always the one initiating in this relationship, and I’m getting a little tired. I wish you’d be more proactive, more invested too. What do you think? How do you really feel about us?”

Lay it all out. If it works, it works; if it doesn’t, it doesn’t. If they can change, great; if they can’t, walk away.

All that guessing is the most draining thing. Spending every day wondering if they love you, waiting for their texts, riding highs and lows over every little thing they say — that’s not dating. That’s self-sabotage.

Lay your cards on the table. The answer might be cruel, but short pain is better than long pain. It’s way better than performing a one-man show all by yourself.

Third: Leave when you should — don’t waste yourself in a “chaotic gathering”.

「有孚不终」 — a relationship without full, lasting sincerity will only stay chaotic the longer you drag it out.

If you’ve already tried, already put in the work, already talked it out, and they’re still the same — still never initiating, still never invested, still letting you do all the giving while they do all the taking — then it’s time to go.

Don’t cling on out of reluctance. What you’re clinging to isn’t them — it’s your own effort, your own fantasy, your own unwillingness to lose.

But think about it — if you keep dragging this out, will you ever get a good result? Most likely not. They won’t suddenly fall in love with you just because you stuck around longer. They’ll just get more and more used to taking you for granted.

You’re such a good person, with such a sincere heart — why waste that on someone who doesn’t cherish you?

The end of the First Line of Cui says 「往无咎」 — moving forward brings No blame. But the premise of moving forward is that the other person is willing to walk with you. If they aren’t, then you walk forward on your own.

Walking forward alone is better than being the one-sided doormat in an unequal relationship.

The First Line of the Cui Hexagram is all about the “chaotic gathering” in relationships: bodies are together, but hearts aren’t; you’re officially a couple, but sincerity isn’t there.

Remember: a good relationship is two people running toward each other, not one person forcing their way in.

It’s okay to be the one who initiates — but you can’t be the only one, forever. It’s okay to give — but you can’t be the only one giving, forever.

You might be the one to reach out your hand, but they have to be the one to hold it. It takes two to tango. Only when both people reach out can you hold on tight, and go the distance.