Dui Hexagram 63: Cost Behind Flattery — Think Twice Before Taking Unsolicited Joy

The Six in the Third Place of the Dui hexagram has a Line Text of only two characters, yet it carries extreme misfortune:

「来兑，凶。」 (Lai Dui, xing / Coming Joy, misfortune)

"Lai Dui" — someone actively curries favor with you, deliberately trying to make you happy. "Xiong" — danger.

This line describes the most common trap hidden in joy.

1. What Is "Coming Joy (Lai Dui)"?

"Lai" means coming from outside, taking the initiative. "Lai Dui" refers to someone who actively seeks to please you and make you happy.

It sounds like a good thing, right? If someone wants to make you happy, how could that be bad?

It is bad. In the context of the Dui hexagram, joy that comes from active flattery almost always has an ulterior motive.

The Six in the Third Place is a Yin Line in a Yang position — it is not in proper position. It sits at the top of the lower trigram, with no Resonance above it and two Yang Lines below it. What does it do? It chooses to trade flattery for room to survive.

Wen Laoshi says people who practice "Lai Dui" are not bad people — they are just using the wrong approach. But as the one on the receiving end, you need to see clearly what is happening.

2. What Does "Coming Joy (Lai Dui)" Look Like?

You just started in a new environment, and there is this person who is extra warm toward you. They help you with everything, agree with everything you say, and smile at you all day long. You feel comfortable and think this person is so nice.

But a few months later, you realize their help had a purpose — they wanted some resource, position, or form of support from you. The "joy" they gave you was just chips they invested in you.

There is another kind of "Lai Dui". You do something, and someone immediately praises you, hypes you up, and says you are amazing. You feel great. But they are not praising what you did — they are praising you as a person. They are not recognizing your achievement; they are flattering you personally.

Over time, you get inflated by this flattery — you start to believe you really are that great and impressive. Then you start making mistakes.

3. Why Is "Coming Joy (Lai Dui)" Inauspicious?

Because its source is wrong.

The Nine at the Beginning speaks of "Harmonious Joy (He Dui)" — equal on both sides, no hidden agenda: Good fortune.

The Nine in the Second Place speaks of "Joy in Sincerity (Fu Dui)" — built on trust, genuine and heartfelt: Good fortune.

The Six in the Third Place speaks of "Coming Joy (Lai Dui)" — one side actively flattering, the other passively receiving: Misfortune.

Why is one-sided flattery wrong? Because the core of flattery is a transaction. I give you joy, you give me benefits. This is not real joy — it is an investment.

And investments demand returns. Once you give the return, their "joy" gets withdrawn. Even worse, if you cannot deliver the return, they will turn on you.

Wen Laoshi says the most insidious part of "Lai Dui" is this: you get hooked without even noticing it. You think this person is good to you and makes you happy, so you start relying on them and trusting them. By the time they pull in the net, you cannot escape.

4. How to Spot "Coming Joy (Lai Dui)"

First, check if their joy is only directed at you. If someone is cold to everyone else but unusually warm to you alone — be careful. They might not really like you; they might need something you have.

Second, check if their joy comes with conditions. People who truly make you happy do not keep reminding you how nice they are to you. If they are always hinting at how much they have helped you, that joy has a price tag.

Third, check if the joy came too fast. Trust takes time, and real joy takes time too. For someone you just met to open their whole heart to you right away is not normal. Kindness that comes too fast usually does not last.

5. What "Coming Joy (Lai Dui)" Reminds All of Us

First, free joy is the most expensive kind. When someone actively offers you joy, ask yourself: what do they want? Not every kind gesture has an ulterior motive, but you have to rule out the ones that do.

Second, being flattered feels great, but the high leaves you empty. Think about it — those compliments that make you feel on top of the world, those yes-men who make you think "I am so awesome" — did they help you grow? Or did they just make it harder and harder for you to see yourself clearly?

Third, learn to say no to "Lai Dui". You do not have to accept every bit of joy that comes knocking. Sometimes, turning down someone who is flattering you takes more courage than accepting them — but it is also safer.

Final Thought

「来兑，凶。」 (Lai Dui, xing / Coming Joy, misfortune)

Two characters that lay bare the true nature of flattery-based joy.

Wen Laoshi says there are three kinds of joy: joy you create together with others (He Dui / Harmonious Joy), joy you earn with sincerity (Fu Dui / Joy in Sincerity), and joy someone pushes on you out of the blue (Lai Dui / Coming Joy). The first two are good; the third calls for vigilance.

Not every smile is well-meaning. Behind some smiles, there is a price tag you cannot see.