Why No Conversation After Years of Marriage? Hexagram Heng: It’s Not Fading Love, But Lack of Shared Position

In the Xiang Commentary of the Hexagram Duration, there is a line that sums up the core approach of the entire hexagram:

"The Junzi (Superior Person) stands firm without changing their direction."

"Standing firm" means holding your ground. "Direction" refers to the path you’re heading toward.

You stay rooted, and don’t casually shift your direction.

Note that it’s the direction that doesn’t change, not your steps.

The overall path stays the same, but how you walk it can be adjusted.

Applied to marriage, this idea explains almost half of all relationship issues.

Let’s start with what "direction" really means.

In marriage, "direction" isn’t just a vague promise like "we’ll always be together."

It’s the specific goal you both put your energy toward.

When you first get together, this "direction" is very concrete:

Saving up together for a down payment on a house.

Sticking it out together through his career slump.

Getting through the first three years of raising a child side by side.

Paying off that debt together.

All these things share one thing in common: they require both people to be fully present, put in effort at the same time, and work toward a clear goal.

That’s what "direction" is.

So when does the "we have nothing to talk about" phase start?

It starts when these shared "directions" disappear one by one.

The mortgage is paid off.

The kid starts school, so you don’t have to watch them 24/7 anymore.

His career stabilizes.

That tough stretch is finally behind you.

Every time a shared "direction" fades, it comes with a sense of relief: we made it through.

But after that relief comes emptiness.

Because all your conversations used to revolve around these shared goals.

Do we have enough money this month? What do we do about the kid’s fever? Did you close that client deal?

When the shared direction is gone, there’s no reason to have those conversations anymore.

The Nine in the Fourth Place of the Hexagram Duration is just four characters: 田无禽 (Tian Wu Qin, "No game in the field").

You go hunting, but there’s no prey to be found.

The Xiang Commentary puts it even more bluntly: "Staying long in a position that is not right—how could you find any game?"

If you’re standing in the wrong spot, you’ll never catch anything.

This line is the most relatable to "middle-aged marriage" in the entire hexagram.

It’s not that you’re not trying—it’s that there’s nothing left to aim for where you’re standing.

You’ve been rooted in the same spot for ages, giving it your all, but there’s no prey there anymore.

What most people do wrong at this stage is "pestering with questions."

Pestering about what?

Pestering about feelings: Do you still love me?

Pestering about small details: Why are you home so late today?

Pestering about the past: Were you always like this back then?

All these questions share the same flaw: they keep you circling the same old "spot."

And that old spot has no more prey left.

The more you pester, the more you confirm "we really have nothing to talk about."

So what’s the fix?

It’s not "communicating more." Communication can’t solve the problem of having no shared purpose.

It’s finding a new "spot" together.

What kind of spot?

It has to meet three conditions.

First, it requires both people to be actively involved.

Not "you go do it, I’ll support you." It has to be "this is something we have to do together."

Second, it has a clear, external goal.

Not "we need to be closer," but "let’s turn the balcony into a vegetable garden this year," "let’s save up that sum of money in three months," or "let’s fix up the old house back home."

The goal has to be something outside the relationship itself, not inside it.

Because "improving our relationship" isn’t a goal you can actually take action on.

Third, it has to be a little bit difficult.

If it’s too easy, you won’t build any shared memories from finishing it.

When it’s a bit hard, you’ll bicker, talk it through, compromise, and finally pull it off together.

And "accomplishing something slightly difficult together" is the strongest glue for a relationship.

The Six at the Beginning of the Hexagram Duration has another line, a warning for this stage.

浚恒，贞凶，无攸利 (Jun Heng, Zhen Xiong, Wu You Li, "Digging deep for constancy: perseverance brings misfortune, nothing is favorable").

"Jun" means to dig deep.

"Jun Heng" means digging all the way to the very bottom right from the start.

In modern terms, that means: as soon as you notice you have nothing to talk about, you demand your partner bare their entire soul and have one big, "thorough" talk.

Most of these "deep talks" fail.

Because love isn’t a well—if you dig at it, it doesn’t fill up; it pulls away.

What actually works is doing a specific, concrete thing together.

In the process of working on it, the conversation will come back on its own.

The Six at the Top of the Hexagram Duration is the other extreme: 振恒，凶 (Zhen Heng, Xiong, "Shaking constancy: misfortune").

"Zhen" means to shake, to stir up trouble.

"Zhen Heng" means constantly stirring things up over a long period of time.

Three days of cold war today, a sudden sweet gesture tomorrow, digging up old grudges the day after.

None of it is huge on its own, but every little bit chips away at the relationship.

By the end, what’s left isn’t hate—it’s exhaustion.

Hate still takes energy; exhaustion means there’s nothing left at all.

Finally, here’s a way to tell if you’ve found the right "spot."

After finishing that "slightly difficult thing," ask yourself one question:

Could I have done this all by myself?

If yes, then it’s not a shared "spot"—it’s just a task.

If no, if it absolutely takes two people, then that’s your "spot."

If you find one, do more things like that together.

If you haven’t found one yet, keep looking.

Because keeping a marriage warm never comes from just talking—it comes from doing things side by side.

The Hexagram Judgment of Duration says: "Success, no blame. It is favorable to persevere. It is favorable to have somewhere to go."

"It is favorable to have somewhere to go"—moving forward is what brings benefit.

This "going forward" doesn’t mean digging deeper into your feelings.

It means stepping outward, into new shared endeavors.

When two people walk outward together, the road ahead stays long.