Hexagram Heng 93: Why Even Best Friends Drift Apart If Always Together | Truth of "Bu Heng Qi De"

Have you ever had this kind of experience?

There was once a really good friend,

how close were you?

You hung out every day, shared everything,

your home was my home, my business was your business.

Everyone said you two were like the same person.

But you don't know when it started,

you slowly drifted apart.

Maybe it was a fight over a small thing,

maybe it was a misunderstanding,

or maybe nothing happened at all—

it just faded, grew distant, and you lost touch.

Looking back,

you don't seem to have any deep grudge,

it's just—

you got too close,

so close there was no space left,

so close you forgot boundaries,

so close that the relationship wore thin in the end.

The Nine in the Third Place of the Hexagram of Duration (雷風恆 / Duration) is exactly about this. This line is a warning in relationships: get too close, and you're more likely to fall apart.

不恒其德 (Bu Heng Qi De): Get Too Close, and You're More Likely to Drift Apart

Nine in the Third Place is the third line of the Hexagram of Duration.

A Yang Line sits in a yang position, at the very top of the lower trigram.

It's firm, and positioned at the peak of the lower trigram,

giving a feeling of "being too firm, overdoing it."

The Line Text says: 「不恒其德，或承之羞，貞吝。」 (If one does not maintain one's virtue consistently, one may incur humiliation. Perseverance brings humiliation.)

If you can't consistently uphold your own virtue and proper role,

you may end up suffering humiliation.

Even if what you're doing is right,

it will still feel difficult and awkward.

How do we understand this in the context of relationships?

It means—

in a relationship,

if you can't consistently stay in your own lane and keep to your role,

if you cross boundaries, throw things off balance, or lose your sense of propriety,

you might end up embarrassed, ashamed, or awkward in the end.

The "virtue" in "不恒其德" (not maintaining one's virtue consistently)

doesn't necessarily mean moral virtue.

It can also be understood as—

your proper role, your position, your place in the relationship.

Every relationship has its boundaries.

Friends have friend boundaries,

colleagues have colleague boundaries,

relatives have relative boundaries.

Whatever position you're in,

act accordingly to that position.

Cross the line, and the relationship is prone to problems.

What about "或承之羞" (may incur humiliation)?

It means—

sooner or later, you might feel embarrassed or ashamed.

You treat someone as your best friend,

but they might not take you seriously.

You pour your heart out and tell them everything,

and they turn around and tell someone else.

You think you're so close you're practically the same person,

but it turns out they've had issues with you for a long time.

At that point,

who's the most embarrassed one?

You are.

The Xiang Commentary says: 「不恒其德，无所容也。」 (If one does not maintain one's virtue consistently, there is nowhere one can fit in.)

If you can't consistently stick to your proper role,

you'll end up with nowhere to belong.

If you cross all your friend's boundaries,

how can they still get along with you?

If you dig up all their private business,

how can they face you anymore?

No matter how close the relationship,

there needs to be distance.

Without distance,

there's no respect.

Without respect,

the relationship is almost over.

Why Friends Who Hang Out Every Day Are More Likely to Drift Apart

You've definitely seen this happen:

when two people first meet,

they get along super well,

they're glued together every day,

so close they're like one person.

But before long,

they have a falling out and stop talking.

They're even worse off than casual acquaintances.

Why?

Because when the distance disappears,

problems pop up.

Specifically, there are three reasons.

First reason: when distance is gone, flaws get magnified.

When two people first meet,

all they see is each other's good points.

Because there's distance,

there's a filter, room for imagination.

What happens after you're together every day?

The filter shatters,

and you see every single one of their flaws, bad habits, and quirks

clear as day.

You realize they're not that fun,

not that reliable,

and they have a lot of traits you can't stand.

What do you do then?

If you put up with it, you feel miserable.

If you say something, you're afraid of hurting the relationship.

You bottle it up and bottle it up,

until it blows up into a huge fight,

and you break up right then and there.

On the flip side,

friends who keep a little distance

tend to last longer.

Why?

Because with distance,

there's space.

With space,

there's room to tolerate each other's flaws.

Second reason: when boundaries disappear, expectations get too high.

When two people are so close they don't know where one ends and the other begins,

their expectations shift.

You start thinking—

"We're this close, you should do this and that for me."

"You're my best friend, you have to do this and that."

If they don't reply to your text right away, you get upset.

If they can't help you with something, you think they're not a good friend.

If they hang out with someone else and have fun, you get jealous.

Your expectations of them

have gone way past what a friend should reasonably expect.

The higher the expectations,

the bigger the disappointment.

When disappointment piles up,

the relationship fades.

Wen Laoshi once said,

no matter how good a friend is,

don't treat them like your own property.

Friends are a choice, not a possession.

They choose to be your friend,

that doesn't mean they belong to you.

Third reason: when you lose yourself, the relationship gets unbalanced.

Some people, once they get close to a friend,

build their whole life around that friend.

They go wherever their friend goes,

do whatever their friend does,

like whatever their friend likes.

They completely lose their own life,

their own circle, their own hobbies.

You think this is a sign of a great relationship,

but actually?

It's an unbalanced relationship.

You put all your focus on the other person—

do you think they don't feel pressured?

If you lose yourself,

what's left for them to like about you?

What's the most comfortable state between friends?

Each of you has your own life,

and then you get together once in a while

to share what's going on with you.

It's not two people merging into one,

it's two whole people

who admire each other and keep each other company.

What the Nine in the Third Place of Duration Tells Us: Long-Lasting Relationships All Have a "Sense of Propriety"

So how do you actually make a relationship last?

The answer is three words: sense of propriety.

What is a sense of propriety?

It's knowing what to say and what not to say,

knowing what to do and what not to do,

knowing when to get close and when to step back.

Specifically, there are three points.

First, don't say everything on your mind.

No matter how good a friend is,

you can't say just anything to them.

Some things, once said, can't be taken back.

Like their sore spots,

like their privacy,

like your grievances against them.

That doesn't mean you can't be honest,

it means you have to pick the right time, the right place, and the right level of honesty.

If you pour your heart out right off the bat,

telling them everything,

they might not be able to handle it,

and they might not even want to.

Relationships deepen gradually,

and conversations get more honest over time too.

Don't rush it,

take it slow,

and it'll grow deeper as you go.

Second, don't go all in on everything.

It's normal for friends to help each other out,

but you can't help with everything,

and you can't help so much that you go overboard.

For example, if a friend borrows money from you,

you need to set a limit.

You can't just give them however much they ask for,

and you can't ruin your own life just to help them.

Helping a friend is a kindness,

but you have to do what you can afford.

Another example: if a friend makes a mistake,

you can remind them, advise them,

but you can't make decisions for them,

and you can't force your way into their life choices.

Their path is theirs to walk,

you're just their friend, not their parent.

No matter how close you are,

there are things you shouldn't meddle in.

Meddle too much,

and a friend becomes an enemy.

Third, don't lose your distance.

No matter how close a friend is,

you need to leave some space.

You can't be glued together every day,

and you don't have to do everything together.

Each of you has your own life,

your own circle,

your own things to take care of.

If you miss them, ask them out to meet up,

chat, grab a meal,

have a good time.

On regular days, you each do your own thing,

and don't bother each other.

This kind of relationship

actually lasts the longest.

Why?

Because with distance,

there's freshness.

With space,

there's respect.

With your own life going on,

you'll never run out of things to talk about.

If you're together every day,

you run out of things to say,

the freshness fades,

and all that's left is friction and conflict.

Wen Laoshi often says,

the friendship between Junzi (superior persons) is as plain as water.

This "plain" doesn't mean cold or distant,

it means—

not clingy, not entangled, not excessive.

Keep it a little plain,

and it can last a little longer.

What to Watch for in Relationships at the Stage of the Nine in the Third Place of Duration

The Nine in the Third Place of Duration

is the stage where a relationship has developed to a certain point.

By this point, you're already really close,

you've moved past the initial politeness and distance.

This stage is the most prone to problems,

and it tests people the most.

What specifically should you watch out for?

Three things.

First, stay in your own lane.

If you're a friend, you're a friend.

Don't act like you're some special person in their life,

and don't demand that they treat you like some special person.

When your position is straight,

your mindset is straight,

and the relationship goes smoothly.

Second, leave them some space.

Don't cling to them every day,

don't try to control everything they do,

don't get upset just because they have their own things going on.

They're your friend,

not your accessory.

They have their own life, their own choices, their own pace.

If you respect their space,

they'll cherish your relationship.

Third, don't lose yourself.

No matter who you're friends with,

don't lose yourself.

Your life, your hobbies, your other friends,

your career, your dreams—

all of these are yours.

You can't throw away everything about yourself

just for one friendship.

The more you are yourself,

the more your friend will admire you.

The more you lose yourself,

the more dangerous the relationship becomes.

For Everyone Who Cherishes Friendship

Lastly, I want to say a few heartfelt words to everyone.

In this life,

finding even a few true friends

isn't easy.

If you find them, cherish them well.

But cherishing someone doesn't mean being glued to them every day,

doesn't mean pouring your heart out about everything,

doesn't mean making them your only everything.

True cherishing is—

keeping a sense of propriety, holding to boundaries,

growing on your own, and admiring each other.

If you're doing well, I'm happy for you.

If you're in trouble, I'll reach out to help.

We don't talk much on regular days,

but when we meet, it's just as warm as ever.

Friends like this

can last a lifetime.

The Nine in the Third Place of Duration tells you—

「不恒其德，或承之羞。」 (If one does not maintain one's virtue consistently, one may incur humiliation.) This is the reminder from the Nine in the Third Place of Duration:

no matter how close the relationship,

don't lose your proper role and your sense of propriety.

Without propriety,

even the best relationship will fall apart.

May you have a few friends like this—

you don't have to see each other every day,

but you hold each other in your hearts.

You don't have to say much,

a single look says it all.

Plain and simple,

long and lasting.

This kind of relationship

is the truest, and the longest-lasting.