What to Do When Love Fades? Kui Hexagram’s Nine at the Beginning Tells You: Don’t Chase, Don’t Make a Scene, Don’t Devalue Yourself — Be Your Best Self and a Turnaround Will Come Naturally

Have you ever been in this situation—

A perfectly good relationship,

you don’t know exactly when it started,

but they take longer to reply to your messages,

pick up your calls less often,

and if you don’t reach out first,

they can go a whole day without saying a word.

Then you start to panic.

Does he not love me anymore?

Is he seeing someone else?

Did I do something wrong?

So you start chasing—

sending message after message,

calling again and again,

questioning, pleasing, explaining,

even throwing tantrums.

And what happens?

The more you chase,

the farther they get;

the tighter you cling,

the faster they run;

the more scared you are of losing them,

the sooner you lose them.

Why is that?

Because you’ve got it backwards.

Love isn’t something you chase down;

it’s something you attract.

If you lose yourself in the process,

who’s going to chase after you?

The ancients already laid this truth bare

in the first line of the Kui Hexagram

a long, long time ago.

Don’t chase a lost horse—it will come back on its own

The Line Text of the Nine at the Beginning of the Kui Hexagram

is just one line:

「悔亡。丧马，勿逐，自复。见恶人，无咎。」
(Remorse disappears. If you lose your horse, do not chase it; it will come back of its own accord. If you meet an evil person, there is no blame.)

What does that mean?

Your regret fades away.

If your horse runs off, don’t go chasing it—

it’ll find its way back on its own.

And if you cross paths with someone who’s wrong for you,

that’s not your fault.

“Losing a horse”

simply means the horse has run off.

What does this horse stand for?

It stands for love,

for relationships,

for the person you care about.

“Do not chase”

means exactly that: don’t go after them.

Why shouldn’t you chase?

Three reasons.

First, you won’t catch them.

If a horse wants to run,

can you keep up on two legs?

If a person wants to leave,

can you really stop them?

Chasing someone who wants to go

is like chasing a horse that’s already galloped away—

the more you run after it, the faster it goes,

and in the end, you’re the one left exhausted,

with nothing to show for it.

Second, you lower your worth.

When you’re the one always chasing after them,

you put yourself in a lower position,

and your value drops in their eyes.

The more you humble yourself,

the less they appreciate you;

the more you please them,

the more they take you for granted.

Maybe they were just a little unsure at first,

but once you start chasing,

they start to think you can’t live without them,

and they take you even less seriously.

Third, you lose yourself.

You fix all your attention

on the other person,

spending every day wondering why they haven’t replied,

if they still love you,

how you can win them over—

and you lose sight of who you are.

Who’s going to cherish someone

who’s lost themselves entirely?

So don’t chase.

It’s not that you don’t care—

it’s that even if you care, you don’t chase,

because chasing doesn’t work.

It only makes things worse.

For “coming back on its own” to work, you have to live well first

Right after “do not chase” come two more words—

“it returns on its own.”

The horse comes back by itself.

A lot of people only hear the “don’t chase” part,

so they just sit around and wait.

They wait and wait, and the other person really leaves,

then they say the I Ching is all nonsense.

That’s not right.

“Returning on its own” doesn’t mean sitting around doing nothing.

It means focusing on being the best version of yourself,

and what’s meant to come back will come back naturally.

How do you make that happen?

Three steps.

First, take back your attention.

Stop fixating on the other person every single day.

Shift your focus back to yourself.

Work when you need to work,

study when you need to study,

have fun when you feel like it,

exercise when you should.

When you have your own life,

your own circle of friends,

your own goals and pursuits—

that’s when you start to shine.

Second, improve yourself.

Use this time

to become a better version of you.

Whether it’s your appearance,

your inner world,

or your skills and abilities—

work on everything you can improve.

When you’re better,

you’ll have more confidence,

and the power of choice will be in your hands.

Third, keep healthy boundaries.

Even if you miss them like crazy,

don’t hit them up every day,

don’t reply instantly,

don’t be too eager or proactive.

Keep a little distance,

a little mystery,

a little sense of boundary—

and they’ll actually start to get curious,

and reach out to you first.

That’s just how people are:

we don’t value what comes too easily,

but a little distance makes us want to get closer.

The Xiang Commentary says:

「初九之吉，顺以巽也。」
(The good fortune of the Nine at the Beginning comes from being gentle and yielding.)

The good fortune of this first line

comes from being soft, humble,

and knowing when to advance and when to retreat.

“Gentle and yielding”—

step back when you need to step back,

wait when you need to wait,

don’t force things,

don’t cling too tight,

let things unfold naturally—

and that’s how you find good fortune.

The biggest loss in love is losing yourself

Wen Laoshi often says,

the scariest thing in a relationship isn’t breaking up—

it’s losing who you are

while you’re in it.

You give up your hobbies for them,

push your friends away,

let your career fall by the wayside,

and revolve your whole world around them.

Then when you finally break up,

you realize—

they’re gone,

and you’re gone too.

There’s nothing left.

That’s the real loss.

The Nine at the Beginning of the Kui Hexagram tells us:

when a relationship starts to fade,

don’t rush to chase after the other person.

Take a step back and look at yourself first.

Are you still the same person

who used to shine so bright?

Are you still someone

with your own life

and your own dreams?

Are you still the person

they fell in love with in the first place?

If not,

find your way back to yourself first.

When you’re living well and feeling like yourself again,

things in love tend to fall into place on their own.

Let me tell you a true story.

There was a girl

who’d been dating her boyfriend for three years.

Their feelings were fading fast,

and he was getting colder and more distant.

She cried every day,

picked fights constantly,

and kept begging him to tell her if he still loved her.

In the end, he broke up with her outright.

She was devastated,

like her whole world had fallen apart.

Then she came to her senses.

She stopped chasing him,

stopped making a scene,

and poured all her energy

into her work and her own life.

She worked out, read books,

hung out with friends,

and threw herself into her career.

In six months, she was a completely different person—

prettier, more confident,

and her career was taking off too.

And what happened?

Her ex came back, saying he realized she was the best thing he ever had.

But this time, she was totally at peace—

she wasn’t that same little girl

who used to chase after other people anymore.

She had her own world now.

Whether they got back together or not

was entirely up to her.

You see?

If you lose your horse, don’t chase it—it will come back on its own.

Chase after a running horse,

and you’ll wear yourself out before you catch it;

but if you tend to your own pasture and make it lush,

the horse will come back naturally.

And even if that one horse doesn’t come back,

plenty of other, better horses

will be drawn to your green grass.

Meeting the wrong person isn’t your fault

There’s one more line at the end of the Line Text:

「见恶人，无咎。」
(If you meet an evil person, there is no blame.)

Meeting someone who’s bad for you,

someone who’s wrong for you,

someone you just don’t click with—

that’s not a mistake on your part.

What does that mean?

It means this:

not every relationship is meant to last forever,

and not every person is worth your time and care.

If you meet someone who’s wrong for you,

someone who doesn’t appreciate you,

someone who hurts you—

that’s not your problem.

It’s their problem,

it’s just a matter of fate not aligning.

You didn’t do anything wrong,

so there’s no blame.

A lot of people blame themselves when a relationship fails—

Am I not good enough?

Did I do something wrong?

If I’d been more proactive, would it have worked out?

Don’t be silly.

Love takes two people.

If one person doesn’t value it,

that’s not the other person’s fault.

Do your part,

be true to yourself,

cherish the people who deserve it—

that’s more than enough.

People who don’t appreciate you?

It’s no loss when they walk away.

Cutting your losses early

is actually a good thing.

When love fades, follow these three steps

We’ve talked a lot about this,

but what do you actually do?

It’s simple—three steps.

Step one: don’t chase.

When they get cold, distant,

or stop replying to your messages,

don’t chase them, don’t throw a fit, don’t beg and cling.

Chasing is the most useless thing you can do.

It only makes you look worse

and annoys them even more.

Pause first,

take a step back,

and give each other some space.

Step two: work on yourself.

Pull your attention back,

focus on your work,

live your life well,

and put energy into improving yourself.

When you become a better version of yourself,

the choice is yours.

If they come back,

you can decide if you want them back;

if they don’t come back,

you haven’t lost anything—

you’ve gained a better you.

Step three: let it be.

Love isn’t something you can force.

What’s meant to come back will come back;

what doesn’t, let it go.

Do what you need to do,

and leave the rest up to fate.

If it lasts forever, that’s perfect.

If it doesn’t,

you have nothing to regret—

at least you didn’t lose yourself.

If you lose your horse, don’t chase it—it will come back on its own—

don’t chase,

focus on being your best self,

and what’s meant for you will find you.

Remember the wisdom of the Nine at the Beginning of the Kui Hexagram:

the most degrading thing in love

is clinging and begging,

and the smartest thing

is focusing on being your best self.

Instead of chasing after one horse,

why not grow a whole pasture?

When spring comes,

a whole herd of horses will come to you naturally.