What’s the Truth When You Clash Most With Others? Kui Hexagram Top Nine Reveals All

Have you ever had

this kind of experience—

you thought you

had someone completely figured out.

That’s just who they are,

selfish, hypocritical,

unreliable,

not worth being friends with.

You’ve even already

mentally blocked them

for good.

But what happens?

After some time,

you realize—

that’s not the case at all.

You misunderstood them,

the real truth of the matter

is totally different

from what you thought.

You wronged them,

you regret it,

but it might already be too late.

Why does this happen?

Because what you see,

what you hear,

what you assume,

isn’t necessarily true.

More often than not,

what you see

is only what you want to see,

what you believe

is only what you’re willing to believe.

The ancients laid out this truth

in the top line of the Kui (Opposition) Hexagram

with perfect clarity.

见豕负涂，载鬼一车: What You See Isn’t Always What’s Real

The Line Text of the Nine at the Top of the Kui Hexagram

is especially fascinating,

almost like a ghost story:

「睽孤，见豕负涂，

载鬼一车，先张之弧，

后说之弧，匪寇婚媾，

往遇雨则吉。」

What does this mean?

Let’s break it down phrase by phrase.

Kui gu (Opposition, alone)—

you’re all on your own again.

At the very top line of the Kui Hexagram,

estrangement has reached its extreme:

you’re isolated,

you don’t trust anyone,

and no one understands you.

Jian shi fu tu (Seeing a pig caked in mud)—

you spot a pig

covered head to toe in mud.

Shi means pig,

fu tu means carrying mud on its back,

drenched in muck.

From far away,

it’s just a dark, lumpy shape,

you can’t tell what it is,

and it’s pretty spooky.

Zai gui yi che (A cartload of ghosts)—

there’s a cart

loaded full of ghosts.

That’s even scarier—

seeing ghosts in broad daylight,

a whole cartload of them.

Xian zhang zhi hu, hou shuo zhi hu (First you draw the bow, then you lower it)—

at first you nock an arrow

ready to shoot,

then you put the bow down.

Zhang means to draw,

hu is a bow,

and shuo is a variant of "tuo" (to take off / put down),

meaning to lower.

You thought they were enemies

and were about to fire,

but on closer look,

they’re not—

so you lower your bow.

Fei kou hun gou (Not raiders, but suitors)—

they’re not bandits,

they’ve come to propose marriage.

Fei means "not",

kou means bandits, enemies,

hun gou means marriage and wedding,

a good thing.

Turns out they didn’t come to fight—

they came to ask for your hand,

to form a bond with you.

Wang yu yu ze ji (Going forward, meeting rain brings good fortune)—

keep moving ahead,

and when you run into rain,

things turn auspicious.

What is rain?

Rain is cleansing,

it’s clarification,

it’s the truth coming to light.

When the rain falls,

the mud washes away,

the pig is just a pig again,

the ghosts vanish,

everything becomes clear.

Putting it all together—

you’re all alone,

and from far off you see a muddy pig

and a cartload of ghosts.

You jump in fright

and quickly draw your bow to shoot.

On closer inspection,

wait—

they’re not bandits at all,

they’re suitors come to propose.

Keep going,

wait for the rain to fall,

for the truth to come out,

and things will turn out well.

This image

is so vivid.

When you’re standing far away

and there’s already a rift in your heart,

everything looks like a ghost,

like an enemy.

Only when you get closer do you realize

that’s not how it is at all—

they’ve come to build a connection with you,

to make peace with you.

The Xiang Commentary says:

「遇雨之吉，

群疑亡也。」

Why is meeting rain auspicious?

Because all your doubts

disappear.

When the rain falls,

all false appearances

are washed away,

the truth is revealed,

misunderstandings are cleared up,

doubts vanish—

that’s why it’s good fortune.

Why Misunderstandings Run Deepest When Divisions Are Greatest

Most people don’t realize

that division and misunderstanding

are two sides of the same coin.

Where divisions run deepest,

misunderstandings are usually the worst too.

Why?

Three reasons.

First,

preconceived notions.

Once you’ve decided

this person is in the wrong,

that there’s something off about this situation,

you automatically

seek out evidence

that backs up your belief.

Everything they do

feels wrong to you,

everything they say

sounds suspicious.

The more you look at them, the more they seem like a bad person,

the more you think about it, the more right you feel you are.

But really?

It’s all just stuff

you made up in your head.

Second,

incomplete information.

You’ve only seen

part of the story,

not the whole picture;

you’ve only heard

one side of the argument,

not the other.

But you think

what you’ve seen

is the whole truth.

Trying to find your way

with half a map?

There’s no way you’ll get it right.

Third,

different standpoints.

You stand in your shoes,

they stand in theirs.

You think you’re totally right,

they think they’re totally right.

The truth is, you’re both right

and you’re both wrong.

It’s just that from different angles,

what you see

looks different.

You stand on this side of the mountain

and see green pines;

they stand on the other side

and see jagged rocks.

You’re both talking about

the same mountain,

but what you see

is completely different.

Wen Laoshi often says

the easiest mistake people make

is treating what they see

as the whole truth.

What you see

is just one fragment of the truth,

not all of it.

Rush to judgment,

and more often than not,

you’ll end up eating your words.

When You Think You’re "Seeing Ghosts", Don’t Shoot First

So when you feel like

the other person is acting off,

something’s wrong with the situation,

like the whole world

is against you—

what do you do?

The Nine at the Top of the Kui Hexagram

gives us the answer—

Xian zhang zhi hu, hou shuo zhi hu.

Draw your bow first,

but don’t rush to shoot;

take a good, clear look first.

How do you do that in practice?

Three things.

First,

don’t rush to conclusions.

What you see,

what you hear,

what you think—

it isn’t necessarily true.

Don’t be in a hurry

to stick labels on people

or pass final judgment on things.

Put it aside for a bit,

wait a while,

get a clear look before you speak.

With so many things,

in the moment you feel like

the sky is falling,

but look back three months later

and it’s nothing at all.

Second,

learn more about the situation.

Don’t just listen to one side of the story,

don’t only look at it from one angle.

Ask more questions,

observe more,

get a better sense of

the whole cause and effect.

The more complete your information,

the more accurate your judgment will be.

When information is incomplete,

don’t rush to judge.

The faster you jump to conclusions,

the more wildly wrong you’ll be.

Third,

give people the benefit of the doubt.

A lot of people

jump to the worst possible conclusion

the second something comes up.

He didn’t reply to my message—

does he hate me now?

He didn’t agree with me—

is he deliberately targeting me?

He’s been quiet lately—

is he plotting against me?

You’re overthinking it.

Chances are they’re just

busy, forgot,

didn’t think much of it.

Don’t always assume the worst of people;

most people

aren’t as complicated as you make them out to be.

Let me tell you a true story.

There was a young woman

who recently noticed

her boyfriend

was always sneaking looks at his phone

and stepping away to take calls

where she couldn’t hear.

She started to wonder—

is he seeing someone else?

doesn’t he love me anymore?

The more she thought about it, the angrier she got,

the more convinced she was

that something was definitely up.

She bottled up her anger

and got ready to confront him,

but that day was her birthday,

and her boyfriend pulled out

a ring.

Turns out he’d been sneaking around

talking to her best friend

about how to plan her birthday

and how to propose.

I laughed when she told me the story—

see?

a cartload of ghosts

turns out to be a marriage proposal.

What you thought was bad news

is actually good news.

遇雨则吉: Wait for the Day the Truth Comes Out

The last four characters

of the Nine at the Top of the Kui Hexagram

are really wonderful—

遇雨则吉 (Meeting rain brings good fortune).

When the rain comes,

things turn auspicious.

What is rain?

Rain is time,

it’s truth,

it’s the facts finally coming to light.

There are some things

you can’t see clearly right now,

can’t make sense of,

that make you feel wronged—

it’s okay,

just wait a while.

Wait for the rain to fall,

the mud to wash away,

the ghosts to scatter,

and the truth will come out.

At that point,

all misunderstandings

will be cleared up,

all doubts

will disappear.

But a lot of people

can’t wait.

They’re in such a hurry,

they need an answer

right now, immediately.

If they don’t get it right away,

they get angry,

they lash out,

they do something extreme.

And what happens?

By the time the rain falls

and the truth comes out,

they’ve already

burned all their bridges,

said things they can’t take back,

ruined the relationship.

And it’s too late to regret it.

So don’t rush.

Give the truth a little time,

give other people a little time,

and give yourself a little time too.

Time will wash away

all false appearances

until nothing is left but the truth.

Time will also keep

the people who truly care about you

by your side,

and take away

the people who don’t belong.

All you have to do

is, before the rain falls,

don’t shoot wildly.

Don’t shoot the wrong person,

don’t do the wrong thing.

Wait until the rain stops,

the sky clears up,

and then look around—

turns out there was never anything wrong,

you were just

scaring yourself.

Final Thoughts

The Nine at the Top of the Kui Hexagram tells us—

when divisions are deepest

and doubts are most rampant,

that’s usually also when

misunderstandings run the thickest.

You think you’ve seen

a muddy pig

and a cartload of ghosts,

but when you get closer you realize

they’re not bandits—

they’re people come to propose.

Wait for the rain to fall,

for the truth to come out,

and all your doubts

will vanish into thin air.

Remember three things:

don’t rush to conclusions,

don’t rush to pick sides,

don’t rush to act.

Take a look first,

wait a while first,

get the facts first.

So much of what you think is truth

is actually just appearance;

so many people you think are enemies

are actually friends.

遇雨则吉 (Meeting rain brings good fortune).

Wait for the rain to fall,

for the sky to clear,

and you’ll understand.

At that point,

all your grievances

will be washed away,

all misunderstandings

will be cleared up.

All you have to do

is, until then,

hold on to a little patience,

hold on to a little kindness.

Don’t let your eyes

trick your heart;

don’t let your suspicion

ruin a good relationship.