"Gan Lin" (Sweet Approach) of Lin Hexagram 3rd Yao: Why Coddling Learners Never Works — Empty Flattery Gets You Nowhere

A mom once came to me with a complaint. She’d stepped right into the pit of the Six in the Third Place of the Approach Hexagram.

She said she never scolded her kid—only ever encouraged them. If they scored 60, she’d say “Great job!”; 70, “You’ve improved!”; if they failed, “No big deal, try harder next time.”

Then one day, when the kid was in 8th grade, they said: “Mom, stop praising me. I know I didn’t do well.”

She said she froze right there, speechless for ages.

That’s exactly what the Six in the Third Place of the Approach Hexagram is about.

The Line Text runs nine characters: “甘临，无攸利。既忧之，无咎。” (Sweet Approach avails nothing. Once one feels concern over it, there is no blame.)

“Gan” (sweet) means pleasant. “Lin” (approach) means facing, or leading. Leading others with only sweet, pleasant methods brings no benefit.

But there’s a second half: if you realize what’s wrong and feel genuine concern about it, there is no fault.

Put plainly, the Six in the Third Place of Approach is about the failure of “coddling”: sweet words can patch up a crisis, but they can’t sustain long-term growth.

Why the Third Line Is “Not in Proper Position”

The Xiang Commentary says: “‘Sweet Approach’—the line is not in its proper position.”

The Six in the Third Place is a Yin Line occupying a Yang position, so its place is not correct. It sits at the top of the lower trigram, just about to move into the upper trigram, but it lacks the weight to hold its ground.

Without real weight, it falls back on soft tactics. And the laziest soft tactic of all is sweetness.

This line is a direct contrast to the Nine in the Second Place. The second line speaks of “Xian Lin” (Approach through mutual influence)—working from the heart. The third line speaks of “Gan Lin” (Sweet Approach)—working through flattery.

Mutual influence comes from the heart; flattery comes from the mouth.

Things that only come from the mouth work great at first, but they lose their value the more you use them.

Why “Sweetness” Stops Working

Because people aren’t stupid.

The first time you say “You’re already doing great,” they believe you. The third time you say “No big deal” when they’ve clearly messed up, they’ll know you’re just going through the motions.

Going through the motions hurts more than criticism. Criticism means you paid attention. Phony reassurance means you didn’t even bother to look.

So the biggest problem with “Sweet Approach” is this: it robs the person being coddled of their sense of judgment.

They don’t know what “good” or “bad” actually means. All they know is, no matter how they do, someone will praise them.

That state feels nice in the short run, but it’s dangerous long-term. The moment they end up somewhere no one coddles them, they’ll crumble.

Three Kinds of “Sweet Approach” in Real Life

First: the parental style.

Praising everything, never daring to say a hard word. Scared of hurting self-esteem, scared of ruining the relationship. The result? Kids have no sense of boundaries, and no ability to handle setbacks.

Second: the leadership style.

Meetings are full of “Everyone’s working so hard” and “This direction is great,” but no one ever says what the actual problems are. The team feels good listening, but they’re lost when it comes to doing the work.

Third: the self-directed style.

A lot of people don’t even notice this one. They coddle themselves. If they don’t get something done today, they tell themselves “I already tried my best.” If they don’t get it done tomorrow, “The timing just isn’t right.”

Coddle yourself long enough, and you’ll waste away.

All three of these fall under the “avails nothing” of the Six in the Third Place of Approach.

“Once One Feels Concern, There Is No Blame” Is the Way Out of This Line

The line text doesn’t write the whole thing off. It says: if you realize something’s wrong and feel genuine concern, there’s still a way out.

The word “concern” is key here.

It’s not anxiety. It’s a clear, awake sense of unease. You know this can’t go on, and it keeps you up at night.

With that unease, you’ll change.

How to change?

First: replace “praise” with “seeing.”

Don’t throw out vague lines like “You’re so great.” Be specific: “You redid all the problems you got wrong this time—that’s a really good habit.”

Praise focuses on the result; “seeing” focuses on the process. The former hooks people on validation; the latter helps them grow.

Second: lay out clear standards.

You can be gentle, but your standards can’t be fuzzy. Be clear about what counts as “good enough.” Kids, employees—whoever—they don’t want to be coddled. They want to know where the line is.

Third: allow hard truths, but deliver them kindly.

This one’s the hardest. You have to tell the truth, but you don’t have to hurt people with it.

Instead of “How can you be so dumb?” try “You haven’t worked through this step yet—let’s go through it again.” Same situation, two different ways of saying it, worlds apart in effect.

A Word for the Ones Being Coddled

If you notice you’re always getting praised but never actually improving, watch out.

It’s a good thing when some people praise you. If everyone only ever praises you? Chances are no one’s willing to tell you the truth anymore.

The truth rarely sounds nice, but it’s the only thing you can use to calibrate where you actually stand.

Final Thoughts

The Six in the Third Place of the Approach Hexagram is the gentlest slap in the face in all of the 64 Hexagrams.

It doesn’t dismiss good intentions. It just reminds you: good intentions, when used the wrong way, turn into a kind of hold-up.

Our era is terrified of hurting people, so we’ve gotten obsessed with coddling. Coddling kids, coddling employees, coddling ourselves.

By the end of it, everyone’s stuck in a comfortable spot, going nowhere.

Wen Laoshi once said: “True kindness is giving someone the ability to face a world that doesn’t always sound nice.”

Sweet words can’t give you that ability. Standards, honest truth, and that line “This time didn’t work—try again next time” can.

“Gan Lin, wu you li. Ji you zhi, wu jiu.” (Sweet Approach avails nothing. Once one feels concern over it, there is no blame.)

That concern? It means you’re still willing to take things seriously.