What to Do When Bullied? Shi Ke Hexagram 62: "噬肤灭鼻 (Biting Through Skin, Erasing the Nose)" — Don’t Hold Back When It’s Time to Fight Back

Have you ever had this kind of experience?

Someone keeps pushing your boundaries, and you feel uncomfortable, but you tell yourself to let it go, that it’ll pass if you just endure it. What happens next? They see you don’t push back, and they go even further next time.

By the time you can’t take it anymore and snap, they act like you’re the one being unreasonable — “Everything was fine before, what’s gotten into you today?”

Where’s the problem? It’s that you shouldn’t have put up with it the first time.

This is exactly what the Six in the Second Place of the Hexagram of Biting Through (噬嗑) talks about. The Line Text (Yao Ci) says: “噬肤灭鼻，无咎” (Biting through soft flesh, even the nose sinks in; No blame).

“Shi” (噬) means to bite, and “fu” (肤) refers to soft flesh. Biting into soft flesh so hard your nose sinks in — what does that mean? When dealing with a weak opponent, or someone who’s clearly bullying you, act decisively and firmly. Don’t hesitate.

“No blame” means there’s nothing wrong with acting this way, and there will be no lingering fallout.

Why do so many people dare not stand up for themselves when bullied?

First, they’re afraid of offending others.

They always think, “We’re bound to run into each other eventually,” so it’s bad to let things turn sour. But think about it — when they were bullying you, were they worried about offending you? If they didn’t care, why should you?

Second, they doubt themselves.

They think, “Am I being too petty?” or “Am I overthinking this?” So they let it slide. But you need to know: your discomfort is real. If you feel like you’re being bullied, you are. Don’t doubt yourself.

Third, they’re afraid of conflict.

A lot of people naturally hate arguments and friction. They’d rather take a loss themselves than burn bridges with someone. But you have to understand: some things don’t just go away because you endure them. The more you put up with it, the worse they get.

When should you fight back? Three criteria

This isn’t to say you have to snap back at everything. Small, one-off things can be let go. But in these three situations, you must stand up for yourself.

First: when your bottom line is crossed.

Everyone has their own bottom line — personal dignity, core interests, family and friends. If someone touches these, there’s nothing to discuss. Push back immediately.

With bottom lines: if you don’t defend them, other people will keep testing them. You take one step back, they take one step forward. Keep retreating, and eventually you’ll have nowhere left to go.

Second: when the other person does it on purpose.

Accidents can be forgiven. Deliberate bullying cannot.

How do you tell if it’s intentional? See if they do it a second time. Once might be an accident. Twice is absolutely on purpose.

Third: when you’ve already let it slide once.

You can let the first time go, to give them a chance. If they do it again, they don’t take you seriously. If you don’t fight back then, you’re just encouraging them to keep bullying you.

How to fight back smartly?

Fighting back isn’t about yelling, calling names, or getting physical. A smart countermove lets the other person know you’re not to be messed with, while keeping your dignity intact.

First method: call it out directly, no beating around the bush.

If someone makes snide remarks, just ask straight: “What do you mean by that?”

If something they do makes you uncomfortable, say directly: “I’m not okay with what you’re doing.”

A lot of bullies count on you being too embarrassed to say something. The second you call them out, they back down.

Second method: use their own force against them, no head-on conflict.

If they badmouth you, don’t argue with them. Just go along with what they say, take it to an absurd extreme, so everyone can see they’re just picking a fight.

For example, if they say, “Your work isn’t that great, huh?” you can reply, “Yeah, you’re definitely way better at this than me. I’ll have to learn from you more often.”

It’s like they punched a cotton pillow — all their force goes nowhere.

Third method: get it done in one go, no dragging it out.

If you’re going to fight back, make your stance clear once and for all, so they know where your bottom line is. Then drop it. Don’t keep harping on it every day.

The more you dwell on it, the pettier you look. Handle it once, then go back to your normal routine. It’s over and done with.

Final thoughts

The line “噬肤灭鼻，无咎” (Biting through soft flesh, even the nose sinks in; No blame) from the Six in the Second Place of the Hexagram of Biting Through isn’t teaching you to bully others. It’s teaching you not to be too soft when you’re the one being bullied.

A kind person gets taken advantage of; a gentle horse gets ridden. Kindness is a good thing, but it needs to have teeth.

Endure when you should endure, be firm when you should be firm.

Act when it’s time to act, and have no regrets once you do.