Should You Confront Someone Badmouthing You Behind Your Back? The Song Hexagram Reveals the Messenger Is the Key

Last year, a reader left me a very long message. The gist of it was: a coworker at her company was telling everyone she stole credit and sucked up to the boss. After finding out, she didn’t sleep well for three days and wanted to confront the coworker face to face and ask, “What exactly have I done to you?”

She asked me if she should go through with it.

I told her to first look at the Conflict hexagram. For interpersonal situations, the very first line of this hexagram already has the answer: 不永所事 (Do Not Prolong the Matter).

Don’t drag this thing out.

Heaven Rises Up, Water Flows Down

The Conflict hexagram has Qian / The Creative above and Kan / The Abysmal below.

Heaven rises upward, water flows downward. When two opposite directions collide, that’s conflict.

The image of the Conflict hexagram is especially accurate when applied to interpersonal relationships.

Most conflicts don’t happen because someone is malicious. They happen because two people are heading in different directions to begin with. She wants to move up; he wants to stay put. When she moves faster, he feels left behind.

People who feel left behind won’t admit they’re scared. They’ll say you’re stepping on them to get ahead.

The Conflict hexagram sees this clearly. It doesn’t ask if you’re wronged. It asks: do you want to keep moving forward?

Six at the Beginning: 不永所事 (Do Not Prolong the Matter) — The Most Cost-Effective Line

Six at the Beginning: Do not prolong the matter. There is small talk. In the end, good fortune.

Don’t drag this out. There will be some gossip, but things will turn out well in the end.

In interpersonal contexts, the value of this line is that it gives you a window of time.

All gossip has a shelf life.

At first, three or five people chat about it in the break room. If you ignore it, a month later only two people are still talking about it. Two months later, even those two have forgotten.

The second you respond, it comes back to life.

I once knew a department manager who was bashed by a subordinate in a small group chat. He took a screenshot, posted it in the big company group, and said, “If you have something to say, say it to my face.”

What happened? Originally only eight people knew about it. Within a day, the whole company did. And everyone started wondering, “Is there actually something wrong with him? Why else would he be so upset?”

That’s what “prolonging the matter” means. You bring a dying issue back from the dead.

小有言 (There Is Small Talk): You Can Handle Those Few Gossipy Words

Pay attention to the phrase “there is small talk” from the Six at the Beginning.

The Conflict hexagram doesn’t say “no one will talk about you.” It says “there is small talk.” It acknowledges that gossip will happen, but it also adds a qualifier: small.

In relationships, a lot of people’s pain doesn’t come from how bad the gossip is. It comes from demanding “zero gossip at all.”

No one can meet that standard.

I’ve summed up a rule for interpersonal situations: the amount of gossip someone gets is roughly equal to how visible they are.

If no one talks about you, it means no one cares about you. That’s not a good thing.

The Conflict hexagram says there is small talk, but in the end there is good fortune. It’s telling you: take it, it will pass.

Nine in the Second Place: 归而逋 (Return and Flee) — Stepping Back Isn’t Admitting Defeat

Nine in the Second Place: One does not succeed in conflict. One returns and flees. The people of his three-hundred-household town are free of misfortune.

If you can’t win, go back and lay low. The people in your circle of three hundred households will be fine.

In interpersonal contexts, this line is about the wisdom of retreat.

Not every situation is a good one for you to show up in. Some fights, you’re just doing the other person a favor by joining in.

I know a salesperson who was accused of “having sketchy quotes” by a competitor in a client group chat. He held back for three days, then replied with a 300-word explanation on the fourth day.

He told me he revised those 300 words seven times, and thought he made a totally solid case.

The result? The client disbanded the group chat.

The client’s exact words were: “You two fight it out. I’m not getting involved.”

That’s what “not succeeding in conflict” means. In that group chat, he was always going to be the one on trial. Because the client doesn’t care who’s right — the client only cares about avoiding hassle.

Return and flee. Step away. Your “three hundred households” — your clients, your team, your family — won’t fall apart just because you skip one argument.

Six in the Third Place: 食旧德 (Live Off Past Merit) — It’s Not Shameful to Rely on What You’ve Already Built

Six in the Third Place: One lives off past merit. Perseverance brings danger, but in the end good fortune. If one follows the king’s affairs, there is no success.

Rely on your existing track record. Sticking to your position has risks, but it ends well. If you tag along on someone else’s big project, the credit won’t be yours.

What does “living off past merit” mean in interpersonal situations?

It means: don’t chase new wins right now. Focus on maintaining the relationships you already have.

When you’re being talked about, it’s easy to do one thing: run around looking for allies to prove you’re in the right.

Looking for allies works in the short term, but it’s harmful long term. Because every person you go to has to pick a side between you and the other person. Once someone picks a side, they’ll pull away from you — they’re scared they’ll be the next one forced to choose.

“Living off past merit” means: don’t drag people into it. Treat well the few people who are already on your side.

Nine in the Fifth Place: 利见大人 (It Furthers to See the Great Person) — Find Someone Whose Word Carries Weight

The Conflict hexagram’s judgment includes the line “It furthers to see the great person.”

In interpersonal contexts, this is the most practical tip in the entire hexagram.

When you’re being gossiped about, what you need isn’t to defend yourself. It’s for someone whose word people trust to say one thing on your behalf.

I knew a technical director who was rumored to “have no real skills and only got the job through connections.” He didn’t explain himself at all.

Six months later, a major company project hit a crisis. He worked alone for three days and three nights to save it. At the all-hands meeting, the boss said one thing: “This project survived because of him.”

After that, the gossip stopped.

That’s what a “great person” is. A great person isn’t just a lucky patron — they’re someone with real credibility. Their credibility doesn’t come from talking; it comes from facts.

What you need to do isn’t explain yourself. It’s to build up something real that makes other people want to speak up for you.

Nine at the Top: 终朝三褫之 (Stripped Three Times in One Morning) — Labels Are Harder to Remove Than Verdicts

Nine at the Top: One may be granted a ceremonial belt, but it is stripped away three times in one morning.

You get awarded a belt as a prize, then it’s torn off you three times before the morning is over.

In interpersonal contexts, this line is about labels.

If you really go all in, really snap at someone in a group chat, really “win” that fight — you’ll get a belt: the label of “this person won that argument.”

Then that belt will get torn off you over and over again.

Because in relationships, someone who wins one fight gets stuck with a label: this person is not to be messed with.

That label will stick with you for years.

I have a friend who runs a factory. After he won a lawsuit, the whole industry said he was “aggressive.” Three years later, when he was looking for business partners, five out of six prospects turned him down.

In relationships, the most expensive cost isn’t losing — it’s being known as “someone not to be messed with.”

Three Actionable Tips From the Conflict Hexagram for Interpersonal Situations

First, separate “facts” from “hearsay.”

When someone tells you “so-and-so said this about you,” first ask: what were their exact words, when did they say it, and who else was there?

Eight out of ten times, the message has already been twisted by the time it reaches you. You might end up lashing out at a version of someone that doesn’t even exist.

Second, shift who you’re responding to — from the people gossiping about you to the people listening to the gossip.

You can’t change the people who talk about you. But you can influence the people who hear the gossip.

How? Not by explaining. By doing. Use one specific, visible deliverable to shut the talk down.

Third, set a stop-loss line for yourself.

My rule is: I’ll spend at most three days on this kind of thing. For three days, I can be mad, I can talk to people about it, I can write a whole rant (and never send it).

After three days, it’s over.

That’s what “do not prolong the matter” means.

What Happened Next

The reader who left the message ended up not confronting her coworker face to face.

She did two things. First, she organized the data from her current project into a weekly report, which she sent to her boss and relevant colleagues every week on a fixed schedule. Second, she invited that coworker out for coffee, and they talked only about work coordination.

Three months later, the gossip was gone.

She told me, “I figured it out later. She doesn’t hate me. She’s scared of me.”

I said, “Exactly. The Conflict hexagram says ‘heaven and water move in opposite directions.’ You’re not enemies. You’re just heading different ways.”

Remember these four words from the Conflict hexagram: 不永所事 (Do Not Prolong the Matter).

In relationships, the best counterattack isn’t winning an argument. It’s letting the whole thing fizzle out with no follow-up.