Xian Hexagram Nine in Fourth Place: Why You Feel Anxious Liking Someone — "Chong Chong Wang Lai" (Restless Coming and Going) Is Not Dramatics, But True Heartfelt Feeling

Have you ever been in this state?

Your phone buzzes, and you grab it right away.

It’s not a message from them, so you put it back down.

You check every few minutes,

terrified you’ll miss their text.

When they reply,

you feel like you’re floating on air.

When they don’t,

you can’t sit still, your mind racing with wild thoughts.

"Does he not like me anymore?"

"Did I say something wrong?"

"Is he chatting with someone else?"

One minute you’re on cloud nine, the next you’re in the dumps.

It’s just like riding a rollercoaster.

You might scold yourself:

"Why am I being so pathetic?"

"It’s just a guy/girl, right?"

"I wasn’t like this before."

Stop beating yourself up.

This isn’t being pathetic.

This is —

you’ve fallen for someone for real.

The Nine in the Fourth Place of the Xian (Influence) Hexagram describes exactly this state.

「贞吉悔亡，憧憧往来，朋从尔思」

The Line Text for Nine in the Fourth Place reads: "贞吉悔亡，憧憧往来，朋从尔思。" (Perseverance brings good fortune, remorse disappears; restless coming and going, your thoughts follow the one you care for.)

"憧憧往来" (restless coming and going) —

it means feeling on edge, unsettled, tossing and turning.

It’s like there’s a little rabbit thumping around in your chest,

pounding so hard you can’t calm down.

Why?

"朋从尔思" (your thoughts follow the one you care for) —

because you’re thinking about someone.

They’re all you can think about.

You can’t shake them off, and they pop into your head unbidden.

"贞吉悔亡" (perseverance brings good fortune, remorse disappears) —

if you stay on the right path, things will go well, and you’ll have no regrets.

What this line means is:

when you can’t stop thinking about someone, can’t sit still, and feel like your mind’s not your own,

as long as you stick to your principles and don’t do anything foolish,

everything will be fine, and you won’t regret it.

In other words —

it’s normal to feel anxious about gains and losses.

But don’t let that anxiety make you do stupid things.

What "憧憧往来" (restless coming and going) feels like

These four characters "憧憧往来"

capture the state of liking someone

so perfectly.

What does it feel like, exactly?

Feeling 1: You can’t focus

You used to be really focused when you worked.

Now?

You can’t pay attention to anything you do.

- You think about them while working

- You think about them while eating

- You think about them while walking

- Even when you sleep, you dream about them

Your attention

drifts to them without you being able to control it.

You can’t pull it back no matter how hard you try.

Feeling 2: Your mood swings like crazy

You used to be pretty even-tempered.

Now?

One word from them can make you happy all day.

And one cold look from them can make you mope all night.

Your mood

is completely dictated by them.

They’re your personal weather vane.

- They smile at you = sunny day

- They’re distant = cloudy day

- They ignore you = heavy rain

- They get close to someone else = thunder and lightning

Liking someone means handing the key to your emotions over to someone else.

Feeling 3: You overthink everything

The thing you’re best at now

is overthinking.

They don’t reply for hours —

"Does he hate me now?"

"Did something happen to him?"

"Is he on a date with someone else?"

They post a Moments update —

"What does that line mean? Is it about me?"

"Who took that photo?"

"Is he upset about something lately?"

One tiny little thing

and you can spin a whole drama in your head.

The more you think, the more tangled up you get,

the more you think, the worse you feel.

Feeling 4: You feel insecure

You used to think you were pretty great.

After you fell for them?

You start thinking there’s something wrong with every part of you.

"Am I not pretty enough?"

"Am I too fat?"

"Am I not good enough?"

"Do I even deserve him?"

You put them up on a pedestal,

and put yourself down in the dirt.

Everything about them seems perfect,

and everything about you seems wrong.

The first reaction to liking someone is feeling insecure.

That’s so true.

Feeling 5: You don’t feel like yourself anymore

Calm people get emotional,

confident people lose their confidence,

independent people get clingy,

mature people act childish.

You barely recognize yourself.

"How did I turn into this?"

"I wasn’t like this before."

There’s nothing you can do about it.

Who asked you to fall for them, anyway?

When you fall for someone, you act silly.

That’s just how it works — no one’s immune.

Why you feel this way when you truly like someone

You might be wondering:

why do you turn into such a mess

when you like someone?

Science has an explanation —

it’s dopamine, hormones, all kinds of chemical reactions.

But I don’t want to talk about that.

What I want to say is —

it’s because you care.

With someone you don’t care about,

you don’t get anxious when they don’t reply.

You don’t get jealous when they talk to someone else.

You don’t feel happy or sad over one thing they say.

Whatever they do, it’s none of your business.

You just go about your day.

Only when you care do you worry about every little up and down.

Only when you’re serious about someone do you overthink everything.

Only when you truly like someone do you stop feeling like yourself.

So,

if you’re in this state right now,

don’t think you’re being pathetic.

Don’t think you’re being dramatic.

Don’t beat yourself up.

You just —

like them a lot, that’s all.

It’s not your fault.

It’s a normal reaction to liking someone.

「贞吉悔亡」 — don’t do stupid things just because you like someone

But the Nine in the Fourth Place line also says,

"贞吉悔亡".

Stick to the right path, and things will go well, with no regrets.

What does that mean?

It means —

even though you like them a lot, you’re head over heels, and you’re a mess of anxiety,

you can’t let that make you do foolish things.

Liking someone isn’t a mistake,

but if you do stupid things because you like them,

you’re the one who’ll end up regretting it.

What counts as stupid things?

Stupid thing 1: Checking up on them, snooping through their phone, blowing up their calls

Because you don’t feel secure,

you need to know what they’re doing every second of the day.

- Where are you?

- Who are you with?

- What are you doing?

- When are you coming back?

- Let me see your phone.

At first, they might think it’s cute that you care.

After a while?

They’ll think you don’t trust them, that you’re too controlling, that you’re annoying.

The harder you try to hold on, the easier it is to lose them.

It’s like squeezing sand — the tighter you grip, the faster it slips through your fingers.

Stupid thing 2: Picking fights after overthinking

You make up a whole story in your head,

then get angrier and more hurt the more you think about it.

Finally —

you go pick a fight with them.

They’re totally confused:

"What are you talking about? That never happened."

You don’t believe them,

thinking they’re making excuses, lying to you.

You fight and fight,

until all the love is gone.

A lot of relationships don’t end over big problems.

They end over endless, baseless suspicion.

Stupid thing 3: Losing your boundaries just to please them

Because you like them so much,

you’re scared of losing them,

so you’ll do anything.

You say yes to everything they ask,

you give them everything they want,

you forgive them every time they mess up.

You lower your boundaries again and again.

What happens in the end?

They take you less and less seriously.

You get more and more卑微 (wait, no — "humble" — you get more and more humble).

You think you’re loving them,

but really you’re hurting yourself.

Stupid thing 4: Giving up your own life

Because you like them,

you —

stop keeping in touch with friends,

stop putting effort into work,

give up your hobbies,

your whole world revolves around them.

You think that’s love,

but really it’s suffocation.

You’re suffocating yourself, and you’re suffocating them too.

If you love someone so much you lose yourself,

you’ll end up losing them too.

Because if you don’t even love yourself,

why would anyone else love you?

What to do when you’re anxious about every little thing

So what should you do, exactly?

You can’t help liking them,

but if you act on your feelings, you might do something stupid.

Remember three "don’ts".

1: Don’t guess

Don’t guess what they’re thinking.

Don’t guess whether they like you back.

Don’t guess why they haven’t replied.

All that guessing just wears you out.

And most of the time,

your guesses are wrong.

If you want to know something, just ask.

Don’t bottle it up and overthink it.

Keep it simple — everyone will be more relaxed that way.

2: Don’t act out

Don’t throw a fit over every tiny thing.

Don’t threaten to break up over nothing.

Don’t use drama to prove they love you.

Once or twice, they’ll coax you.

Three or four times, they’ll get tired.

Five or six times, they’ll leave.

Drama is the fastest way to burn through a relationship.

Don’t wait until you’ve ruined everything to regret it.

3: Don’t forget about yourself

No matter how much you like someone,

don’t forget about yourself.

- Your friends

- Your work

- Your hobbies

- Your own life

These things

are what really give you confidence.

When you have these things,

you won’t pin all your hopes on them.

You won’t get so anxious that you’re not acting like yourself.

The more independent you are, the more attractive you are.

The more attractive you are, the more they’ll like you.

It’s a positive cycle.

The lesson from the Nine in the Fourth Place

The Nine in the Fourth Place of the Xian Hexagram

is the most moving line of the whole hexagram.

Because it’s about —

true feelings.

"憧憧往来，朋从尔思。"

You can’t stop thinking about someone,

you’re restless, you can’t sit still.

This isn’t a sickness.

This is true affection.

The rarest thing in the world

is a true heart.

So many people go their whole lives

without ever truly falling for someone.

But a true heart is also the easiest to hurt.

Because you care so much,

it’s easy to do stupid things,

easy to get hurt.

That’s why the Nine in the Fourth Place says "贞吉悔亡" —

hold onto your true feelings,

but also hold onto your boundaries.

Love someone with all your heart,

but don’t love them so much you have nothing left for yourself.

Seven parts love for them,

three parts love for yourself.

Be earnest, but stay clear-headed.

Be devoted, but stay restrained.

That’s the kind of relationship

you won’t regret.

If you’re in that "憧憧往来" state right now —

congratulations, you’ve met someone who makes your heart race.

But a word of warning —

don’t lose yourself.

**A true heart is precious, but you are even more precious.**