Xian Hexagram 9th Line: Best Love Is "Trusting Him With Your Back" — "咸其脢 (Xian Qi Hui, Influence on the Back of the Flesh)" Means Trust Is Rarer Than Love

How do you tell if a relationship is good?

What do you look for?

Do you check how expensive the gifts he gives you are?

Do you see if he posts about you on his social media?

Do you judge by how good he is at sweet talk?

Do you measure it by whether he remembers your anniversaries?

None of those.

The real test is—

whether you can turn your back to him.

What does that mean?

It means, when you’re at your most vulnerable,

at your most disheveled,

when you need protection the most,

do you dare to put yourself entirely in his hands?

When you’re exhausted, do you dare to collapse in front of him?

When you cry, do you dare let him see?

When you fail, do you dare tell him?

Do you dare let him see your imperfect side?

If you do,

it means you trust him.

And trust

is rarer than love.

This is exactly the kind of trust spoken of in the fifth line of the Xian (Influence) Hexagram.

「咸其脢，无悔」 (Xian qi mei, wu hui / Influence on the back, no remorse)

The Line Text for Nine in the Fifth Place reads: "咸其脢，无悔。"

What does "脢" (mei) mean?

It refers to the flesh of the back, the area around the shoulder blades.

The Xian Hexagram moves upward from the toes, calves, thighs, and heart,

all the way up to the back.

What does reaching the back signify?

What is the back, after all?

- It’s the part you can’t see with your own eyes

- It’s the part you can’t protect on your own

- It’s your most vulnerable spot, the easiest to attack

When animals fight,

they never show their backs to their enemies.

Showing your back is as good as asking to die.

Humans are the same.

You don’t just show your back to anyone.

Only someone you trust completely

gets to see you turn your back to them.

Because you know—

he won’t hurt you,

he’ll protect you,

he’ll stand guard for you in the places you can’t see.

"无悔" (wu hui) means no remorse.

Turning your back to him, you’ll never regret it.

To find someone you can safely turn your back to—

what a blessing that is.

Why 「咸其脢」 (Influence on the back) is so hard

Turning your back to someone

sounds easy, but it’s hard to do.

Why?

Because to turn your back to someone,

you first have to take off your armor.

Everyone wears armor

Every single one of us

wears a layer of armor.

- We act tough, but deep down we get scared too

- We seem cheerful, but we feel sad too

- We always say "I’m fine," but really we just want a hug

- We act like we don’t care about anything, but we care more than anyone

Why do we wear armor?

Because we’ve been hurt before.

We were bullied as kids,

so we learned to put on a brave face.

We got hurt in past relationships,

so we learned to put up our guard.

Our sincerity was let down,

so we learned to pretend.

Armor protects us.

Without it, we might not have made it this far.

But armor has a problem too—

you can’t hug someone while wearing armor.

If you’re on guard against everyone,

no one can get close to you.

Taking off your armor takes courage

To turn your back to someone,

you have to take off your armor first.

You have to show them

your softest, most vulnerable, most real side.

How much courage does that take?

Because you don’t know—

will he cherish your vulnerability?

Will he take advantage of your trust?

Will he stab you in the back

the moment you let your guard down?

You don’t know.

So you gamble.

You bet he’s a good person,

you bet he won’t let you lose.

Trusting someone is really a high-stakes gamble.

Win the bet, and you get a lifetime of happiness.

Lose the bet, and you might never dare trust anyone again.

What a 「咸其脢」 (Influence on the back) relationship looks like

So what kind of relationship

actually reaches the "咸其脢" level?

It’s not grand and dramatic,

it’s not sweet words,

it’s not clinging to each other every single day.

It’s these things—

You can be vulnerable in front of him

Usually, out in the world, you’re so strong—

invincible, unbreakable.

But in front of him,

you can drop all your pretenses.

- When you’re wronged, you can cry

- When you’re tired, you can lean on his shoulder

- When you’re scared, you can hide behind him

- When you fail, you can tell him "I can’t do this anymore"

You don’t have to force yourself to hold on,

you don’t have to pretend everything’s fine,

you don’t have to be strong all the time.

Because you know

he won’t look down on you for being vulnerable.

He’ll only feel for you,

only hold you tighter,

only say "I’m here."

Being able to be safely vulnerable with someone

is the highest form of security.

He understands you without you having to explain

A lot of the time, you explain yourself to people for ages,

and they still don’t get it.

"Why are you so sensitive?"

"What’s there to be sad about?"

"It’s not that big of a deal."

But in front of him,

you don’t have to explain.

One look, and he knows you’re upset.

Without you saying a word, he knows what you’re thinking.

You don’t have to lay out the whole backstory,

he just gets where you’re coming from.

Why?

Because he keeps you in his heart.

He knows you, he understands you.

Being understood is happier than being loved.

You know he won’t leave

You never worry—

"Will he leave me?"

"Does he not love me anymore?"

"Will he fall for someone else?"

You just know

he won’t go anywhere.

No matter what, he’s there.

This kind of certainty

works better than ten thousand "I love you"s.

The best relationships aren’t the dramatic ones.

They’re the ones that make you feel at peace.

It’s knowing that

when you turn around, he’s right there.

He’s seen you at your worst, and still likes you

He’s seen you without makeup, messy, angry, unreasonable, a total mess when you’re sick…

all of it.

Even after seeing your ugliest, most disheveled, least lovable sides,

he still likes you.

He still thinks you’re great.

He still can’t bear to leave you.

That’s real affection.

It’s not just liking you at your shiniest and most put-together—

it’s accepting your messy parts too.

Loving someone’s strengths is easy.

Loving them with their flaws too? That’s true love.

How to meet someone like that

You might be asking:

"I want to meet someone like that too,

but what if I never do?"

Don’t rush.

People like that

don’t just fall out of the sky.

They’re built slowly, over time.

How do you build it?

Step 1: Be a reliable person first

If you want someone to trust you,

you first have to be someone worth trusting.

- Do what you say you’ll do

- Don’t lie

- Don’t betray people

- Be reliable, steady, and responsible

If you’re that kind of person,

you’ll naturally attract people who are the same.

Birds of a feather flock together.

The kind of person you are

is the kind of person you’ll meet.

Step 2: Open your heart slowly

Don’t pour your whole heart out right at the start.

That’s how you get hurt.

It also scares people off.

Take it slow.

Show a little bit first,

see how he reacts.

If he cherishes it, show a little more.

If he meets you halfway, take another step forward.

Step by step,

get closer slowly.

That’s the kind of trust that lasts.

Trust isn’t given all at once—

it’s built little by little.

Step 3: If you get hurt, don’t lose the ability to trust

If you’ve trusted someone before

and ended up getting hurt,

I know how much it hurts.

But I want to tell you—

don’t let one bad person make you doubt all good people.

Don’t let one hurt make you never dare trust anyone again.

It’s not worth it.

Locking your heart away might feel safe,

but it also keeps the people who truly love you out.

Be brave.

If you picked the wrong person this time, just be more careful next time.

You wouldn’t stop walking for the rest of your life just because you’re scared of tripping, right?

People who still dare to believe in love even after being hurt

are the truly brave ones.

And they’re the ones who deserve the best love.

What Nine in the Fifth Place teaches us

The fifth line of the Xian Hexagram,

"咸其脢，无悔。"

Influence reaches the back,

you turn your back to the other person,

and you have no regrets.

What kind of state is that?

It’s complete trust,

total surrender,

unreserved honesty.

This kind of relationship

goes so much deeper than "I like you."

It weighs so much more than "I love you."

Liking is a flutter in the heart,

love is action,

trust is turning your back to someone.

Heart flutters are easy,

action isn’t that hard either,

but trust—

that’s hard.

If you’ve already found the person you can turn your back to:

Congratulations, you’re so lucky.

Cherish it well.

If you haven’t found them yet:

Don’t worry.

Focus on being the best version of yourself,

live well,

grow well.

The right person

will come eventually.

Until they do,

take good care of yourself.

May you, in this life,

**remember: trust is rarer than love.**

May you meet someone

you dare turn your back to,

and who dares turn their back to you too.

Two people, back to back,

facing the world together.

That is—

the best kind of relationship.