Love Advice: How to Give & Take Freely, Learn from Hexagram 42 Increase’s Third Line

The third line of the Increase Hexagram lays bare one of the most common pitfalls in relationships. When it comes to love, the worst thing is having one person pour in all the effort while the other just sits back and enjoys it — and the third line of the *Yi Jing*’s Increase Hexagram zeroes in on this lopsided dynamic.

Have you ever had this experience —

You’re unbelievably good to someone,

so good you give them your whole heart, so good you lose yourself in the process.

You pick up the bill at every meal, you bring gifts for every holiday,

you soothe them when they’re in a bad mood, you carry the load when they hit a rough patch.

And what happens in the end?

Not only do they not appreciate it,

they start taking it for granted,

and they get colder and more half-hearted by the day.

You feel wronged, confused, you ask yourself —

What did I do wrong?

I’m so good to him, why is he treating me like this?

Don’t rush to blame yourself.

You didn’t do anything wrong;

you just went about it the wrong way.

This is exactly what the third line of the *I Ching*’s Increase Hexagram explains so clearly.

The Line Text reads: 益之用凶事，无咎。有孚中行，告公用圭。

What does this mean?

“益之用凶事” — directing increase and giving toward “inauspicious matters,” meaning times of emergency, crisis, or genuine need;

“无咎” — No blame;

“有孚” — Holding sincerity and genuine goodwill in your heart;

“中行” — Walking the middle path, staying balanced, not going to extremes;

“告公用圭” — reporting to the lord with a jade scepter,

which means your efforts need to be seen, recognized, and carry a sense of solemnity.

Putting it all together:

Giving and helping should land where it matters most,

at times when the other person truly needs it —

that’s when it’s truly right.

And you must act with sincerity, stay balanced,

so your kindness is seen and held close by the other person.

In relationships, giving isn’t about quantity —

it’s about getting it right.

Why More Giving Leads to Less Appreciation

Why does the Six in the Third Place of the Increase Hexagram stress “using it for inauspicious matters” so much?

Why does everyday kindness count for less than showing up in a critical moment?

The reason is actually pretty simple.

First, when there’s too much of something, it loses its value.

If you’re good to someone every single day,

after a while it becomes a habit for them,

and once it’s a habit, they grow numb to it,

and once they’re numb, they don’t even notice it anymore.

If you bring them breakfast every day and forget just once,

they’ll even get mad at you.

Doesn’t that feel so unfair?

Second, people don’t cherish what comes too easily.

That’s just human nature —

the harder something is to get, the more we want it;

the easier it is, the less we care.

If you’re always available, always going along with whatever they say,

they’ll think you have no boundaries,

and who values someone with no boundaries?

Third, one-sided giving isn’t love — it’s people-pleasing.

Love is a two-person thing.

If you’re the only one putting in the work, that’s not love —

that’s a one-sided crush, that’s people-pleasing, that’s just moving yourself.

People-pleasing never wins you a genuine heart;

it just makes the other person take you for granted.

Wen Laoshi often says —

A relationship is like a balance scale.

If you pile too many weights on your side,

the other side tilts up.

Tilt it too high, and no one can stay standing on it.

What the Six in the Third Place of Increase Teaches Us About Giving Right

So how *should* we give?

The Six in the Third Place of the Increase Hexagram lays out three guidelines.

First, show up in critical moments; hold back a little in everyday life.

You don’t need to wait on them hand and foot 24/7,

but when they’re really going through something —

when they’re sick, when they lose their job, when their family has a crisis,

when they’re at a low point in life —

that’s when you step up.

Kindness at a time like that

stays with them for a lifetime.

Everyday kindness is like a snack — too much of it makes you sick;

kindness in a critical moment is like a proper meal — it fills you up and sustains you.

Second, “有孚” — be genuine and sincere.

Don’t keep score when you give.

“I’m so good to him, so he *has* to be good to me back” —

if you give with that mindset,

the other person will feel it.

Giving from the heart is nothing like giving with strings attached.

Genuine giving sticks with people;

conditional giving just makes them feel pressured.

Third, “中行” — don’t go to extremes.

Don’t be so good to someone that you lose yourself,

but don’t be so cold you’re like a block of ice either.

Be half warm, keep half for yourself;

love others seven parts, love yourself three parts.

That’s the kind of relationship that lasts.

If you lose yourself in the process,

what exactly is the other person supposed to love?

Your empty shell without a soul?

Knowing When to Give and When to Pull Back in Love

That said,

how do you actually get good at knowing when to give and when to hold back?

Three words: know your boundaries.

Be clear about what’s your business,

what’s their business,

and what’s *your shared* business.

Their business? Let them handle it themselves.

You can help, but don’t live their life for them.

Your business? You carry it yourself.

Don’t pin all your hopes on them.

Your shared business? Talk it through together.

Don’t let one person call all the shots, and don’t let one person do all the work.

Another thing that’s really important —

your kindness should come with a “price” the other person has to “pay.”

Not money, obviously —

it means your kindness should have a threshold.

If you’re good to me, I’ll be good to you back;

if you cherish me, I’ll cherish you even more.

If you don’t cherish me? Then I’ll pull my kindness back.

That’s not being calculating — that’s respecting yourself.

That’s just how people are:

once they know you have boundaries,

they won’t dare take advantage of you.

Once they know you could walk away at any time,

they’ll start thinking about how to keep you around.

A Final Word

In relationships,

it’s not that you shouldn’t give —

it’s that you shouldn’t give the wrong way.

It’s not that you shouldn’t love deeply —

it’s that you shouldn’t love so deeply you lose yourself.

益之用凶事，无咎。有孚中行，告公用圭 —

Give where it matters most,

be sincere but not humble,

be warm but have boundaries.

That’s the kind of kindness people see, and the kind they cherish.

So come on —

stop pouring in all the effort by yourself.

Good love is a two-way street,

not a one-sided charity project.

If you’re good to me, I’ll be twice as good to you;

if you’re not good to me, then I’ll be good to myself.

The wisdom of the third line of the Increase Hexagram, put plainly, is this: in love, giving isn’t about quantity — it’s about getting it right. Showing up with timely help in a tough moment is ten thousand times more effective than always going along with everything in everyday life.

These six words from the third line of the Increase Hexagram are worth pondering for anyone in a relationship — 益之用凶事，无咎。有孚中行，告公用圭。Giving the right love at the right time? That’s real love.