Bi Hexagram Line 63: Following the Wrong Person Is Worse Than Having No One to Follow

Have you ever been in this kind of situation?

You just arrived at a new place and felt terribly lonely. You watched everyone else hanging out in their own little groups, while you were all by yourself. Then suddenly someone came up to you and said, "C'mon, hang out with us."

You said yes without even thinking. Finally, someone's taking me under their wing. Finally, I'm not alone anymore.

But what happened next? After hanging around with them for a while, you realized this bunch is totally unreliable. They slack off at work, go drinking after hours, never get any real work done, and only gossip nonstop. Hanging out with them taught you nothing good—instead, you picked up a whole bunch of bad habits.

Want to leave? You can't bring yourself to. After all, you're all familiar with each other now; if you leave, you'll be alone again. Stay? You can see yourself going downhill day by day.

The scariest thing isn't being lonely. It's being so desperate when you're lonely that you'll grab anyone and call them a friend.

This is exactly what the third line of the Hexagram of Holding Together (Bi) in the I Ching (Book of Changes) talks about. It says: "比之匪人 (Bi zhi fei ren)".

比之匪人 (Bi zhi fei ren) — Getting Close to the Wrong People

What does "fei ren" mean? It's not the "fei" as in bandits. It means "not the right person"—someone who's wrong for you, unsuitable, or someone you shouldn't get close to.

Put simply, "比之匪人" means: The person you're close to, the one you rely on and follow, is the wrong person.

The position of the Six in the Third Place (六三) is an awkward one. It's a Yin Line in a Yang position, so it's not in its proper place, nor is it in the central position. Above it is the Six in the Fourth Place, below it is the Six in the Second Place—neither resonates with it. It's like a person who can't reach up to the sky or touch the ground, with no one on either side to help them. They feel totally isolated.

When people feel isolated, they tend to panic. And when they panic? They start looking for someone to lean on, any which way.

Whoever reaches out to them first, they'll go along with that person. They don't even stop to check if that person is good or bad, reliable or not. As long as someone's taking them along, it's better than being alone, right?

And the result? That's "比之匪人"—following the wrong person.

Wen Laoshi often says: If your circle is wrong, all your effort goes to waste. If you hang around with a bunch of people who only play cards and drink, no matter how hard you try, all you'll get is better at cards. If you're around a group of motivated, ambitious people, you'll feel embarrassed to not put in the effort yourself.

People are products of their environment—there's no truer saying. Who you spend every day with shapes who you become. Following the wrong person isn't just a waste of time. They'll drag you down, pull you down to their level.

Why Do People End Up "Bi zhi fei ren"?

Why do people stick around with someone even when they know that person is unreliable?

There are lots of reasons, but the core one is this: fear of being alone.

I've seen so many people who know their friends are no good, know their partner is unreliable, but just can't leave. Why? Because leaving means being alone. Eating alone, shopping alone, going to the movies alone—just thinking about it feels terrifying.

They're more afraid of loneliness than the cost of following the wrong person.

But think about it carefully: Following the wrong person is worse than being on your own.

When you're alone, you only feel lonely. But you still have time, energy, and the chance to meet the right people. What about when you're with the wrong person? Your time gets taken up, your energy gets drained, your mindset gets messed up, your judgment gets worse. By the time you realize you need to get out, years might have already passed.

Years. How many years do we have in life to waste?

There's another situation too: "utilitarian socializing." Some people think, "This person isn't great, but they're useful. If I build a good relationship with them, maybe I can use them later."

Here's what Wen Laoshi thinks: Can relationships built on利益 (interest/profit) ever be reliable? If you're with them today for profit, they can sell you out tomorrow for profit too. Having more of these "friends" is worse than having none.

Why does the Six in the Third Place end up with "fei ren"? It's not bad luck that keeps good people away. It's that it's too impatient. Too eager to find someone to rely on, too eager to fit in, too eager to not be lonely. When you're in that much of a hurry, you don't bother being picky—anyone will do.

So when it comes to making friends, quality over quantity. Being alone isn't scary. What's scary is dragging yourself into a mess just to avoid being alone.

How to Tell If You're "Bi zhi fei ren"

That said, how do you know if the person you're following is the right one?

Here are a few simple ways to judge.

First, When you're with them, are you getting better, or worse? This "better or worse" isn't about material things—it's about you as a person. After being with them, are you more motivated, or more颓废 (sluggish/defeated)? Is your mindset calmer, or more anxious? Is your perspective broader, or narrower?

If the answer is always the latter, you need to be careful.

Second, They come to you when they need something—but where are they when you need help? Real friends help each other out, not just take from one side. They borrow money from you when they're short, vent to you when they're upset, think of you first when they need a favor. But when you need something? They're nowhere to be found. Cut off this kind of relationship as soon as possible.

Third, When you're with them, can you be yourself? Or do you have to wear a mask, put on an act, and迎合 (go along with) everything they say? If you can't even be yourself around someone, that relationship is already a burden.

Wen Laoshi once said: A good relationship makes you more like yourself. A bad relationship makes you less and less like yourself.

When you're with the right person, you'll feel more at ease, more confident, and clearer about what you want. When you're with the wrong person, you'll feel more twisted up, more doubtful of yourself, and less and less sure of who you are.

Three Reminders from the Six in the Third Place of the Hexagram of Holding Together

After all this, what exactly is this line trying to remind us of?

First, don't make friends with just anyone just because you're lonely. Being alone isn't embarrassing. The real loss is following the wrong person just to avoid loneliness. High-quality solitude beats low-quality socializing. This isn't just a cheesy saying—it's the truth.

Second, when choosing friends, partners, or circles, look at character first, before usefulness. People with bad character—no matter how useful they are—don't get close to. They can help you today, but they can stab you in the back tomorrow. And when they do, they'll hit harder than anyone, because they know you.

Third, if you realize you're following the wrong person, cut your losses in time. Don't cling on, don't feel不甘心 (unwilling to accept it), don't think "but I've already been with them for so long." A wrong path is still wrong no matter how long you walk it. Stopping is progress; getting out is winning.

The Hexagram of Holding Together is about "close association"—it teaches us how to build good relationships with others. But this third line specifically gives you a reality check: Not all relationships are good. Following the wrong person is scarier than having no one to follow.

On the road of life, you'll meet a lot of people. Some come to help you, some come to teach you lessons, some come just to drain you.

What you need to do is keep your eyes open, follow the right people, and stay away from the wrong ones. It's better to go slow than to get on the wrong bus. If you get on the wrong bus, the faster you go, the farther you'll end up from your destination.

Just like what the Six in the Third Place says: "比之匪人"—pick the wrong companion, and the more you invest, the more you lose.