Why Hexagram Bi Top Line: Why Some Feel Tired Making Friends & Lonely in Circles

Have you ever had this feeling?

Your WeChat friends list keeps growing, your Moments feed gets busier by the day, and you’re swamped with endless dinners, parties, and social events. But when you actually hit a rough patch and scroll through your contacts, you can’t find a single person you’d feel comfortable calling.

You think you have friends all over the world, but most of them are just "like-only acquaintances."

You tell yourself you’re putting in real effort with socializing—adding someone on WeChat today, grabbing a meal tomorrow, snapping a group photo the day after. How come you still end up feeling all alone?

Where’s the problem?

The top line of the Hexagram of Holding Together (Bi) in the I Ching (Book of Changes) gives a pretty gut-punch of an answer. It goes: "比之无首，凶。" (Bi zhi wu shou, xiong / Seeking connection without a head brings misfortune.)

比之无首——Head in the Wrong Direction, More Effort = Worse Outcome

From the first line to the fifth line of the Hexagram of Holding Together, everything revolves around "bi"—making friends, finding partners, banding together to grow. The Six at the Beginning (初六) talks about starting with sincerity; the Six in the Second Place (六二) is about internal unity; the Six in the Third Place (六三) warns against befriending the wrong people; the Six in the Fourth Place (六四) advises following the right leader; the Nine in the Fifth Place (九五) says those in charge should act with openness and integrity.

All of these are about "bi," and they all point to good fortune or no blame.

But when you get to the Six at the Top (上六), it suddenly shifts to "misfortune." Why?

Because of "bi zhi wu shou"—seeking connection without a head. What does that mean? It means you’re constantly networking, making friends, and hopping between social circles, but you have no direction, no goals, no one leading the way. You socialize for the sake of socializing, chase connections just to have connections. In the end, you’ve got tons of friends but no clue where you’re going.

What’s the "shou" (head)? It’s your direction, your leader, the thing that guides you. Without a "head," you’re a headless fly—buzzing around nonstop, looking busy, but getting absolutely nowhere.

That’s why some people feel more drained the more friends they make. All those friendships are just "ineffective socializing." You drink with one person today, sing karaoke with another tomorrow—it’s fun while it lasts, but once the party’s over, nothing sticks.

Wen Laoshi often says: Your network isn’t about how many people you know—it’s about how many people know you, respect you, and are willing to help you.

You might have a thousand WeChat friends, but how many of them could you call to borrow money? How many would pick up the phone if you called in the middle of the night?

Not many. But those few are your real network. The rest are just names in your contacts list.

Why Chasing Social Circles Makes You Lonelier

I’ve seen so many people obsessed with climbing into different social circles.

One day they join this chamber of commerce, the next they sign up for that association; today they add a big shot’s WeChat, tomorrow they snap a photo with a celebrity. Then they post it on Moments with a caption like "Thanks so much, Mr. XX—learned so much today."

Ask them what they actually learned, and they can’t give you a straight answer. They’ll just say they "expanded their network."

Expanded their network… then what? Nothing comes of it.

This is a classic case of "bi zhi wu shou"—you’ve bounced through a ton of circles and met a bunch of people, but you don’t have your own "head": no direction, no core value, no main focus in life.

You think chasing circles will bring you opportunities, but that’s not how it works. Circles are a result, not a cause. When you become good at what you do, circles will come to you naturally; if you’re not bringing anything to the table, no amount of networking will help.

I know a guy who was totally hooked on all kinds of social events a few years back. He went to at least three dinners a week and had almost 5,000 WeChat friends. His motto was "more friends, more paths forward."

What happened? When his business failed and he reached out to friends for help, he called everyone he knew, but barely anyone was willing to step up. All those people who’d called him "brother" over dinner either said "things are tight for me too lately" or just didn’t pick up the phone.

After that, he settled down, focused on actually building something, and spent two years growing his business. That’s when he realized—he didn’t have to chase circles anymore. Circles started coming to him. People invited him to give talks, reached out for collaborations, and offered to connect him with resources.

He said something that stuck with me: "I used to think I didn’t know enough people. Turns out, I just wasn’t strong enough myself."

See? That’s the reality. If you bloom, butterflies will come to you; if you’re a rotten egg, all you’ll attract is flies.

What Makes the Top Line of the Hexagram of Holding Together "Inauspicious"

The "misfortune" of the top line doesn’t mean making friends is inherently bad. It means—you’ve got the direction wrong, and you’re treating the means as the end goal.

What’s the point of the Hexagram of Holding Together? It’s "qin bi"—finding people who share your values, so you can work together, grow together, and move forward together. Friends are helpers, not the goal itself; connections are resources, not everything.

But a lot of people get it backwards. They treat making friends as the goal itself, and think having a big network equals success. Add a few new WeChat contacts, and suddenly you think you’re well-connected; go to one dinner, and you think you’re part of some exclusive circle.

It’s just self-deception.

Why is the top line "inauspicious"? Because you pour tons of time, energy, and money into socializing, and end up with nothing to show for it. You don’t make any real friends, you don’t get anything done, you waste your time, and you’re exhausted.

If that’s not misfortune, what is?

And what’s even scarier—if you befriend the wrong people, they’ll lead you astray. If you hang around bad circles, your way of thinking will go downhill too. The old saying "you become like those you surround yourself with" isn’t wrong. If you spend every day hanging out with people who just brag and waste time, you’ll turn into one of them.

Three Reminders From the Top Line of the Hexagram of Holding Together

After all that, what is this top line really trying to tell us?

First, figure out where you’re going before you look for people to travel with. Don’t make friends just for the sake of making friends, don’t chase circles just to be in circles. First, ask yourself: What do I want to do with my life? What’s my direction? Who do I want to be? Once you’ve got that clear, go find people who are on the same path. Only when your direction is right do friendships actually mean something.

Second, the essence of networking is value exchange, not sentiment. People will only want to be your friend if you’re useful to them; if you have nothing to offer, all the initiative in the world won’t help. Instead of wasting time chasing circles, spend that time improving yourself. When you get good at what you do, connections will come naturally.

Third, friends don’t need to be many—they need to be good. A handful of close, trusted friends is way better than a thousand fair-weather ones. Everyone has limited energy. If you spend all your time maintaining a thousand casual acquaintances, you won’t have time for the few relationships that actually matter. Learn to cut back, and life will feel a lot lighter.

The Hexagram of Holding Together wraps up with its top line, and it’s a bit of a reality check. It says: For all the wisdom this hexagram shares about making friends, if you’ve got the wrong direction and no "head" to guide you, it’s just misfortune.

The worst thing about socializing is when it looks like you’re putting in the work. Dinner after dinner, a phone full of new contacts, a box full of business cards—you look super well-connected, but it’s all hollow.

Real networking is about how many people you can help, not how many people you know.

Get your own life straight first, then go make friends. Get your own stuff in order first, then talk about building a network.

Once you have your "shou"—your direction, your value, your own path—people who want to walk with you will show up on their own.

Then, your "bi" (connection) will be auspicious, not inauspicious.