The Power of the Great 93: Why Overbearing Partners Drive Others Away in Relationships

There’s a type of person who always ends up on the losing end in relationships.

They’re not bad people at heart,

and they’re actually pretty capable.

They handle everything both inside and outside the home,

juggling earning a living and family duties without skipping a beat,

and they’re truly devoted to their partner.

But they have one flaw—

they’re way too domineering.

They want to call the shots on everything,

meddle in whatever their partner does,

and nitpick at every word their partner says.

They always think they’re right,

and always feel their partner isn’t good enough.

As time goes on,

their partner can’t take it anymore

and brings up a breakup or divorce.

And they’re left feeling totally wronged:

I’ve worked my tail off for this family,

what did I do wrong?

What right do you have to break up with me?

The Nine in the Third Place (九三) line of *The Power of the Great* (大壮卦, Dazhuang) hexagram

describes exactly this kind of situation.

The third line of *The Power of the Great* hexagram is the position with the most abundant yang energy in the entire hexagram—

the strongest in force, and the most likely to cause trouble.

The Line Text (Yao Ci) says: 「小人用壮，君子用罔，贞厉。羝羊触藩，羸其角。」

A ram charges at a fence,

only to get its horns tangled.

The harder you push,

the tighter you get stuck.

The thing you’re most proud of

ends up trapping you.

When applied to relationships,

this line hits way too close to home.

The More Domineering You Are, the More Your Partner Wants to Flee

Nine in the Third Place is a Yang Line (solid —) in a yang position,

sitting at the top of the lower trigram.

It’s the spot in the entire *The Power of the Great* hexagram

with the fullest yang energy and the greatest force.

What does that look like in a relationship?

It’s the kind of person who’s extremely domineering,

super headstrong,

and has an overwhelming need for control.

They think, “I’m doing this for your own good,

I’m doing this for the good of this family,

so you have to listen to me.”

For example—

they control what clothes you wear,

saying you don’t look good in them;

they control what friends you make,

saying that friend of yours is no good;

they control what job you take,

saying your job has no future;

they control how you spend money,

saying you waste money and don’t know how to run a household.

What they say might all be correct,

and their intentions might be good.

But here’s the problem:

relationships aren’t a place for debating logic,

and they’re not a boss-subordinate dynamic.

No matter how right you are,

if you press down on your partner like this every day,

no one can stand it.

Why does this happen?

Because the Nine in the Third Place “uses its strength” (用壮).

They take their own power,

their own reasoning, their own advantages,

and use all of them to push their partner down.

They think, “I’m stronger, so I’m in the right;

I’m being good to you, so you have to do what I say.”

And what’s the result?

Their partner might not say it out loud,

but deep down, they’ve long wanted to run away.

The more domineering you are, the more repressed they feel;

the tighter you control them, the more they want to break free.

When the day comes that they finally break free,

you’re still in the dark,

thinking, “I’ve given so much,

how could you treat me like this?”

Relationships stuck in the “using strength” mode of Nine in the Third Place

almost always end up this way.

The core warning of the third line of *The Power of the Great* hexagram is this—

the stronger you are, the more you need to hold back.

Especially in relationships,

strength isn’t for pushing your partner down;

it’s for protecting them.

“A Ram Charges at a Fence”: Your Proudest Skill Is Most Likely to Trap You

「羝羊触藩，羸其角。」

A ram charges at a fence,

and its horns get tangled in the fence.

This image is so vivid when you apply it to relationships.

What are the ram’s horns?

They’re your advantages, your skills,

the things you think make you the best.

What’s the fence?

It’s the boundaries in a relationship,

your partner’s bottom line, the proper distance between two people.

Relying on your own skills,

your reasoning, your efforts,

you charge at those boundaries,

step on your partner’s bottom line,

and break the proper balance between the two of you.

You think, “I’m in the right,

what do I have to be afraid of?

I’m doing this for your own good,

what do I have to be afraid of?”

And what happens?

Your “horns” get tangled.

The harder you push, the tighter the tangle gets.

The things you’re most proud of—

your capability, your reasoning, your efforts—

end up becoming the things that trap you.

Take this example:

a woman who’s extremely capable,

handling everything inside and outside the home,

earning more money than her husband,

doing housework better than her husband,

and having better methods for raising kids than her husband.

She thinks she’s totally in the right,

and nags her husband every day:

Why are you so useless?

Look at the tiny amount of money you make?

You can’t even take care of one kid properly?

The more she talks, the more fired up she gets,

and the more wronged she feels.

What’s the result?

Her husband gets quieter and quieter,

and less and less willing to come home.

In the end, he either cheats

or asks for a divorce.

She breaks down:

I’ve given so much for this family,

what right does he have?

What right?

It’s because you turned your capability

into stabbing horns.

Every word you say

is jabbing into your partner.

You think you’re charging at a fence,

but actually, you’re shattering your relationship

little by little.

Wen Laoshi once said:

The biggest taboo in relationships

is using your own advantages to push your partner down.

Being strong isn’t your fault,

but using your strength to bully someone

is definitely wrong.

“The Superior Person Uses Restraint”: Truly Smart People Know How to “Not Force Things” in Relationships

So what should the Nine in the Third Place do?

The Line Text says “the Junzi (Superior Person) uses restraint” (君子用罔).

A superior person doesn’t use brute force.

What does “using restraint” mean?

It means having strength but not abusing it,

having reason on your side but not using it to pressure others,

having advantages but not using them to bully people.

I could clearly beat you,

but I choose to give in to you.

I’m clearly stronger than you,

but I choose to treat you as an equal.

That’s the real great wisdom in relationships.

Why?

Because relationships aren’t a competition,

where one person wins and the other loses.

Relationships are two people building a life together.

If you win the argument but lose the relationship,

what exactly have you won?

People who truly know how to nurture a relationship

all know how to “show weakness” in front of their loved one.

It’s not actual weakness;

it’s actively lowering your stance,

actively leaving space for the other person,

actively making the other person feel seen and needed.

For example, even though you clearly earn more than your partner,

you never bring it up to throw it in their face;

instead, you often say, “This family would be lost without you”;

for example, even though you’re clearly more capable than your partner,

you still ask for their opinion when things come up,

so they feel like they matter;

for example, even though you’re clearly in the right,

if your partner is upset,

you still soften up first,

and talk things through logically once the emotions have cooled down.

What’s this called?

This is “the superior person uses restraint.”

I have that strength,

but I don’t use it against you.

I have that capability,

but I don’t use it to pressure you.

Because you’re the person I love,

not my opponent.

Self-Help for “Nine in the Third Place” Relationships: Three Changes to Tuck Your “Horns” Back In

If you’re this type of domineering person

with the Nine in the Third Place energy,

or if you’ve realized you’re too prone to “using strength”

in your relationship,

then you have to try these three changes.

First, swap “you should” for “I feel.”

Domineering people love saying one phrase:

You should do this, you should do that.

You should come home earlier,

you should play fewer video games,

you should spend more time with the kids.

As soon as those words leave your mouth,

your partner’s first reaction is to push back.

Why should I?

Who are you to tell me what to do?

Try swapping “you should” for “I feel.”

I feel like if you came home a bit earlier,

we could spend more time together;

I feel like if you played a bit less video games,

it’d be better for your health;

I feel like if you spent more time with the kids,

they’d be really happy.

Same meaning,

different way of saying it,

and the feeling is completely different.

The first is a command, the second is a sharing of feelings.

No one likes being ordered around,

but everyone is willing

to respond to their loved one’s feelings.

Second, swap “I’m doing this all for your own good”

for “I’m worried about you.”

A lot of people love saying “I’m doing this all for your own good.”

It sounds right on the surface,

but it makes the other person really uncomfortable.

Why?

Because behind those words

there’s a hidden subtext:

You’re not good enough, you have to listen to me.

Try swapping it for “I’m worried about you.”

I don’t think you’re not good enough;

I’m just worried about you.

I’m not trying to control you;

I’m just scared something bad will happen to you.

One is condescending lecturing,

the other is equal, caring concern.

Which one do you think your partner would rather listen to?

Third, leave a little space for your partner

where “you don’t get a say.”

No matter how close two people are,

they still need their own space.

You can’t control every single part of your partner’s life—

that’s not a lover, that’s a prisoner.

Some things,

as long as they don’t cross your bottom line,

just let them be.

If they love playing video games, let them play for a bit;

if they love eating junk food, let them have some;

if they want to be friends with certain people, let them.

They’re an adult;

they know what they’re doing.

The more nitpicky and controlling you are,

the more they want to run away;

give them space,

and they’ll actually want to come closer.

That’s just human nature.

Final Thoughts

The Nine in the Third Place line of *The Power of the Great* hexagram

serves as a wake-up call for everyone who’s domineering in relationships—

the relationship lesson from the third line of *The Power of the Great* hexagram

is also something Wen Laoshi often says:

The more capable a person is,

the gentler they are with the people they love.

You can be strong,

but don’t use that strength to push down the person you love.

You can be capable,

but don’t let that capability turn into

horns that stab your partner.

“A ram charges at a fence, its horns get tangled.”

The harder you push, the more trapped you become.

The more you try to hold on tight,

the less you’ll actually be able to hold onto.

Relationships are never won through domineering behavior.

They’re built on understanding, tolerance,

softness, and giving ground.

Take a step back,

and your partner will actually step forward;

soften a little,

and your partner will treat you even better.

“The small person uses strength; the superior person uses restraint.”

May you have the ability to stand strong on your own,

and also the gentleness to treat your loved one with care.

Don’t let your strength

become a knife that hurts your relationship.