Gu Hexagram Nine in Second Place: How to Stop Fighting with Elders? "Gan Mu Zhi Gu, Bu Ke Zhen" — Being Too Rigid Spoils Things

Have you ever had this kind of experience?

You can barely get three sentences out with your parents before you end up arguing.

You say one thing, they say another. You say something is good, they say it won’t work. You talk about science, they talk about experience—and before you know it, you’re snapping at each other.

After the fight, you feel regretful—they’re your elders, after all. Why couldn’t I just hold my tongue?

But the next time something comes up, you still can’t help it.

You’re so frustrated—why is it so hard to just talk nicely? How do you communicate with elders without fighting?

The second line of the Gu Hexagram, Nine in the Second Place, has the answer for you: 「干母之蛊，不可贞。」 (Gān mǔ zhī gǔ, bù kě zhēn — Setting right what has been spoiled by the mother: one should not be overly rigid.)

Setting Right What Has Been Spoiled by the Mother: Some Problems Can’t Be Solved with Force

The Gu Hexagram is about remedying long-standing ills and correcting problems.

Six at the Beginning speaks of "setting right what has been spoiled by the father"—correcting a father’s problems, or addressing major, principle-based issues, can be done with a firmer, more direct approach.

But when we get to Nine in the Second Place, the tone shifts: setting right what has been spoiled by the mother, one should not be overly rigid.

What does that mean? When correcting a mother’s problems—issues that are emotional, relational, soft, or hard to pin down—you can’t use force. You have to be thoughtful about your approach.

Why is it that "setting right what has been spoiled by the mother" calls for avoiding rigidity?

Because the mother represents yin softness, emotion, human connection, and domestic matters.

Family issues can’t always be resolved by logic alone; emotional problems can’t be fixed just by assigning right and wrong; relational matters don’t mean you "win" just because you’re in the right.

If you’re too rigid, too stuck on principles, too forceful—you might think you’re doing it for her own good, but what happens? She thinks you’re unfilial, you think she’s unreasonable. Both sides get angry, the problem doesn’t get solved, and the relationship turns sour instead.

That’s what’s meant by: correct her, and you hurt the bond; don’t correct her, and you fail in what’s right. It’s a dilemma either way.

So what do you do?

The answer from Nine in the Second Place is: do not be overly rigid.

What does "do not be overly rigid" mean? It doesn’t mean you just ignore the problem and let her keep making mistakes. It means you can’t handle it with rigid correctness—you can’t be too stubborn, can’t force the issue, can’t insist on proving who’s right, can’t demand that she be as logical as you are.

You have to switch up your method, your attitude, your strategy.

You have to be gentler, softer, more tactful, more patient.

You have to use a way she can accept, to slowly influence her, to change her little by little—instead of jumping in with logic and facts, determined to talk her into agreeing.

The Xiang Commentary says: "Setting right what has been spoiled by the mother" — one attains the central way.

When correcting a mother’s problems, you have to follow the middle way, combine firmness and softness, stay balanced, and find the sweet spot between fixing the issue and not hurting the relationship.

You hold to your principles in your heart—that’s the firm part. But your approach has to be gentle—that’s the soft part.

You know what’s right—that’s correctness. But you don’t have to force the other person to admit it—that’s not being overly rigid.

Keep the logic in your heart, show your affection on your face, and let your actions speak in daily life—use actions, time, and patience to slowly influence her and change her.

That’s what "attaining the central way" means: you fix the problem without hurting the relationship. That’s the smartest approach of all.

Why the More You Reason, the Less Elders Listen

When it comes to getting along with elders or superiors, what Nine in the Second Place teaches is this—

When communicating with people who are older than you, or who outrank you, the biggest mistake you can make is being stubborn and forceful. The more you argue your point, the less they’ll listen. The more you prove you’re right, the more they’ll feel you don’t respect them.

A lot of people start conversations with elders by saying things like—

That’s not right.

That won’t work.

Things are different now than they used to be.

Just listen to me, I know what I’m talking about.

You think you’re doing it for their own good, you think everything you’re saying is logical.

But what happens? The elder doesn’t listen, and they get mad—

I’ve eaten more salt than you’ve eaten rice. Who do you think you are to teach me?

I’ve gotten by this way for years. What business is it of yours?

You feel so wronged— I’m clearly looking out for you, why don’t you understand?

Why do you feel wronged? Because you’ve got it backwards.

When communicating with elders, the key is never whether you’re right—it’s how you say it.

What you’re saying might be correct, but your approach is wrong.

If you jump right in to negate them, correct them, tell them they’re wrong—of course they won’t take it well.

Why? Because whether it’s an elder or a boss, they don’t just need the right answer. They need respect, they need to save face, they need to feel valued, they need to feel like they still have something to offer.

When you flat-out contradict them, you’re basically dismissing their experience, their worth, their dignity. Of course they’re going to push back.

I knew a young guy whose dad was obsessed with buying health supplements—there were piles of them all over the house. Every time he went home, he’d fight with his dad: these are all scams, stop buying them, how can you be so gullible?

The more they fought, the more his dad bought. Finally, he stopped arguing and tried a different approach. Every time he went home, he didn’t mention throwing out the supplements at all. He just chatted with his dad, went for walks, watched TV with him. When the conversation turned to health, he’d casually mention: "Dad, I went for a checkup the other day. The doctor said a lot of the health supplements on the market don’t meet standards, and they can actually be bad for you. You’ve got to be careful when you buy them."

He didn’t say "stop buying them," he didn’t say "you’ve been scammed." He just dropped a line from the doctor in passing. Two months later, he noticed his dad was buying supplements way less often.

See? When you fight with them, they dig in their heels. When you say it a different way, they figure it out on their own.

That’s the logic behind "do not be overly rigid."

Three Principles for Communicating with Elders

So how do you say it so they’ll listen? Learn from Nine in the Second Place—"setting right what has been spoiled by the mother, one should not be overly rigid." Three principles.

First: affirm first, suggest later.

Don’t jump in saying they’re wrong. Start by affirming their experience, their good intentions, all they’ve done over the years.

"Mom, I know you’re looking out for me. Your years of experience definitely count for something."

"Dad, I’ve thought about what you said too, and you’ve got a point."

Say that first, make them feel comfortable, make them feel respected. Then when you share your idea, they’ll actually be able to hear it.

A lot of people don’t get it—why do I have to praise them first when I’m the one who’s right?

Because people aren’t machines. You don’t just input the correct answer and get the correct output. People have feelings, they have pride, they have self-respect. If their mood is off, they won’t listen to anything you say. If their mood is right, they’ll be open to considering whatever you have to say.

Affirming first is just tuning into the right emotional frequency. Once the frequency matches, the message can get through.

Second: use actions, not just words.

For a lot of things, saying it a hundred times won’t work. But if you show them, they’ll believe it.

If you say health supplements don’t work, show them your checkup report, play them a recording of what the doctor said, take them to the hospital so the doctor can tell them in person. That works better than ten thousand of your words.

If you say staying up late is bad for you, don’t just talk about it. Go to bed early and get up early every day, be full of energy. When they see how good you look, they’ll start to wonder—maybe I really should go to bed earlier?

Don’t just talk the talk. Let facts speak, let actions prove it.

Lessons you hear from others are just someone else’s ideas. Lessons you see with your own eyes, you can’t help but believe.

Third: give them an out, don’t corner them.

Don’t make them admit they’re wrong to your face. Don’t insist on winning the argument right then and there.

Elders care a lot about saving face. Making them admit they were wrong in front of you is harder for them than anything.

Give them a way out—

"It’s not really your fault, people from your generation were all like that."

"You meant well."

"It’s fine, as long as we fix it now."

Once they take the out, the problem is solved. Why insist on winning?

Win the argument, lose the relationship. Is that worth it?

Home isn’t a place for arguing about who’s right. It’s a place for connection. When the connection is there, the logic will follow naturally.

Final Thoughts

Let me read you that line from Nine in the Second Place of the Gu Hexagram one more time: 「干母之蛊，不可贞。」 (Gān mǔ zhī gǔ, bù kě zhēn — Setting right what has been spoiled by the mother: one should not be overly rigid.)

"Setting right what has been spoiled by the mother" — some problems are soft, relational, hard to pin down. You can’t solve them the same way you solve hard, clear-cut problems.

"One should not be overly rigid" — don’t be too stubborn, don’t be too forceful, don’t insist on assigning right and wrong. Hold to your principles in your heart, but keep your approach gentle.

The Xiang Commentary says: "Setting right what has been spoiled by the mother" — one attains the central way.

The central way isn’t wishy-washy. It isn’t having no principles. It isn’t just being nice to everyone to keep the peace.

The central way means: you solve the problem without hurting the relationship; you stick to your principles while letting the other person save face; you reach your goal while leaving room for flexibility.

That’s the real skill.

The overarching principle of the Gu Hexagram is: Originating, Penetrating, Advantageous, Correct. It furthers one to cross the great water. Three days before the start, three days after the start — when remedying long-standing ills, you have to think things through from start to finish, be thoughtful about your methods, and don’t rush into things.

Six at the Beginning is the start of remedying things: it’s hard, but it ends in good fortune. Nine in the Second Place is about using different methods for different types of problems: for a father’s issues, you can be firmer and more direct; for a mother’s issues, you have to be gentler and more tactful.

That’s the concrete expression of "three days before, three days after" — before you start fixing things, think it through clearly, pick the right method, don’t take a one-size-fits-all approach.

Interpersonal communication is the same way: different people, different relationships, different problems call for different ways of talking.

With peers you can be more direct; with elders you have to be more tactful. With friends you can be more stubborn about being right; with your boss you have to be more strategic.

If you pick the wrong approach, it doesn’t matter how right you are. Pick the right approach, and you’ll get twice the result with half the effort.

Remember: when communicating with elders or superiors, the biggest mistake is being stubborn. The more stubborn you are, the more you’ll fight. The more you fight, the less you’ll solve.

Hold to your principles in your heart, but leave room in your words. Know what’s right, but let the other person save face.

Affirm first, suggest later. Use actions, not just words. Give them an out, don’t corner them.

Follow these three principles, and there’s no one you can’t communicate with.

Wen Laoshi once said: Speaking is an art, but more importantly, before you speak, ask yourself—am I saying this to solve the problem, or just to win an argument?

May you be able to get things done, without hurting the people you care about.