Kui Hexagram (Opposition) Full Guide: Why You Don’t Click With Others Isn’t Your Fault

Have you ever felt this way?

Like you just don’t click with anyone.

- With family: you bicker before three sentences are out

- With friends: your core values keep drifting apart

- With coworkers: you can never seem to get along

- With your partner: you have less and less to talk about

You start doubting yourself:

Am I too weird?

Am I too hard to get along with?

Is there something wrong with me?

Actually, no.

People are different from each other—

that’s totally normal.

In this world,

no two people are exactly alike,

and no two people see eye to eye on everything.

Getting along is the exception.

Not getting along is the rule.

There’s a hexagram in the I Ching (Book of Changes)

dedicated entirely to "not getting along."

It’s called the Kui Hexagram—Opposition.

Kui is the 38th hexagram of the I Ching,

Fire over Lake: Opposition (火泽睽).

Fire sits above, lake below.

Fire burns upward,

water flows downward.

One rises, the other sinks—

opposite directions, moving apart.

That’s what "kui" means:

estrangement, disharmony, clashing opinions.

The Kui Hexagram isn’t about making everyone like you.

It’s about—

what to do when you’re different from others,

when you feel like you don’t fit in the world.

Today let’s talk about the Kui Hexagram,

and this whole business of "not getting along."

What the Kui Hexagram Tells Us

The Hexagram Judgment (Gua Ci) for Kui reads:

**Kui, small matters: good fortune.**

To put it plainly:

When there’s estrangement and disharmony,

tackling small matters brings good fortune.

What does that mean?

It means—

when things are off,

don’t take on big projects.

Don’t expect to fix everything at once.

Don’t think, "I’m going to change them,"

or "I’ll make things go back to how they were."

It’s impossible.

Once a rift forms between people,

you can never go back to the way things were.

A broken mirror glued back together still has cracks;

a cold heart warmed up still bears the mark.

So what do you do?

Start with small things.

Take small steps, go slow.

Do what you can, as far as you can—

no forcing, no pushing.

"Small matters: good fortune" has another layer too:

disharmony isn’t always a bad thing.

Some disagreements are actually beneficial.

For example:

- A couple with different personalities—one impatient, one steady—actually complement each other

- A team with different voices is better at spotting problems

- Friends with different views can inspire each other

Kui isn’t "bad"—

it’s just "different."

Different doesn’t have to be bad;

it all depends on how you use it.

Why People "Kui"—Why We Don’t Get Along

Why do we clash?

When you get down to it,

it’s usually just a few reasons.

First: Different Positions

Where you sit determines what you think.

Your position shapes your perspective.

Bosses think employees don’t work hard enough;

employees think bosses pay too little.

Mothers-in-law think daughters-in-law don’t know how to run a home;

daughters-in-law think mothers-in-law meddle too much.

Parents think kids are ungrateful and immature;

kids think parents don’t understand them.

Who’s right, who’s wrong?

Everyone’s right, and everyone’s wrong.

They just have different positions.

People in different positions

can never truly understand each other.

If you haven’t sat in their seat,

you can’t know their struggles.

Second: Different Levels of Awareness

The biggest gap between people

isn’t money, isn’t status—

it’s awareness and cognition.

How you see the world

shapes how you think and act.

People with different levels of awareness

aren’t even speaking the same language—

it’s like talking to a brick wall.

You talk about growth; they talk about stability.

You talk about investing; they call it a scam.

You talk about ideals; they talk about putting food on the table.

It’s not that one’s right and the other’s wrong—

it’s that their levels of awareness are different,

so they can never really connect in conversation.

With people whose awareness differs from yours,

don’t force a connection.

It won’t work even if you try;

you’ll drift apart sooner or later anyway.

Third: Different Values

The most fundamental kind of disharmony

is a difference in values.

You think people should strive and struggle; they think a steady, quiet life is best.

You think people should be sincere; they think you need to be smooth and cunning to survive.

You think money should be spent on experiences; they think money should be saved.

You think marriage should be for love; they think marriage is just sharing a life together.

People with different values

can be friends,

can be business partners,

can even get married.

But it’s hard to truly connect heart to heart.

Because the core of who they are is different.

People with different values

are never meant to walk the whole road together.

Sharing a stretch of the journey is already good—

don’t expect a lifetime.

What *Not* to Do When You’re "Kui"—When You Don’t Get Along

When things are tense and you don’t see eye to eye,

people tend to make a few common mistakes.

Mistake #1: Insisting on Proving Who’s Right

The second you disagree, you want to convince the other person.

You want to prove you’re right

and they’re wrong.

What happens?

The more you argue, the worse it gets;

the more you talk, the further apart you become.

It starts as something small,

but the argument blows it into something huge.

Between people,

most things don’t have an absolute right or wrong.

There are just different angles, different choices.

You win the argument,

but you lose the relationship.

Worth it?

Nope.

Mistake #2: Trying to Change the Other Person

A lot of people are miserable

not because the other person is bad,

but because they keep trying to mold the other person into what *they* want them to be.

- Wives trying to change their husbands

- Parents trying to change their kids

- Bosses trying to change their employees

- Friends trying to change their friends

What happens?

No one can change anyone else.

Everyone’s personality and habits are built over decades—

how can you just flip a switch and change them?

**Changing yourself is divine;

changing others is delusional.**

It sounds harsh, but it’s the truth.

Mistake #3: Cutting Off the Relationship Entirely

The second you don’t get along,

you block them, delete them, cut them off, swear you’ll never speak again.

That’s the most extreme move you can make.

Some people *do* deserve to be cut off—

but for most people,

there’s no need to go that far.

The world is small.

What goes around comes around;

you might run into each other again someday.

If you say things too harshly,

if you burn bridges completely,

you’ll be the one embarrassed later.

Disharmony doesn’t have to mean a total split.

Keep your distance, see each other less,

be polite, don’t bother each other—

that’s enough.

What to Do When You’re "Kui"—When You Don’t Get Along

Disharmony is the norm,

so how do you handle it?

The Kui Hexagram gives us a few methods.

Method 1: Seek Common Ground, Respect Differences

The Tuan Commentary on the Kui Hexagram says:

Heaven and earth are opposed, yet their work is the same;

man and woman are opposed, yet their wills connect;

the ten thousand things are opposed, yet their affairs are of a kind.

Great indeed is the time and use of Opposition!

What does that mean?

Heaven and earth are different,

but their function of nurturing all things is the same.

Man and woman are different,

but their desire to seek a partner is shared.

All things under heaven are different,

but the principle of their endless renewal is similar.

See?

Heaven and earth are so different, yet they work together.

Man and woman are so different, yet they come together.

All things are so different, yet they coexist.

Being different is fine—

just find what you have in common.

That’s "seeking common ground while respecting differences."

- You can’t live in harmony with your family, but you all love this family

- You can’t talk about everything with your friends, but you both value the friendship

- You can’t be friends with your coworkers, but you can work together

- You and your partner have different values, but you both want a good life together

Find that common ground,

and the differences stop being a problem.

If you can’t find it,

the differences become a chasm.

Method 2: Start with Small Things

The Hexagram Judgment says "small matters: good fortune"—

when you don’t get along, small things bring good fortune.

What does that mean?

It means—

don’t try to solve the big problem all at once.

Start with the small stuff.

If a couple is fighting,

don’t jump straight into "is there something wrong with our relationship?"

Cook a meal first, pour them a glass of water, hand them some fruit—

ease the tension before you talk.

If friends are on the outs,

don’t lead with "why don’t you understand me?"

Strike up a casual conversation about something small first,

invite them out for a meal.

When the good feeling comes back,

the conflict will naturally fade.

Big rifts

are healed by small acts of kindness.

Taking one huge step is hard,

but if you shuffle forward little by little,

you’ll always make it across.

Method 3: Respect Differences

People are different from each other—

that’s a fact.

You have to accept that fact.

Once you do,

you’ll stop agonizing over it.

You’ll stop asking, "why don’t they understand me?"

or "why are they so different from me?"

So what if they’re different?

This world is made up of all kinds of people anyway.

If everyone was just like you,

how boring would that be?

Respecting differences

is a required course for adults.

You don’t have to agree,

but you have to respect.

You don’t have to like it,

but you have to let it exist.

Respect other people’s differences,

and they’ll respect yours.

Only when you make room for the world

will the world make room for you.

Method 4: Keep Your Distance

If you really, truly can’t get along,

what do you do?

Keep your distance.

You don’t have to have a huge falling out,

and you don’t have to be friends.

A nodding acquaintance,

a polite, distant friendship—

not too close, not too far—

that’s perfectly fine.

Distance creates beauty,

and it also creates peace.

When you’re too close,

friction is inevitable.

Step back a little,

and everything looks better.

With people you just can’t get along with,

keep a safe distance.

Don’t fawn over them, don’t offend them;

not too close, not too far—just peaceful coexistence.

That’s the most mature approach.

The Six Life Stages of the Kui Hexagram

The six lines (Yao) of the Kui Hexagram

represent six different situations of disharmony,

and six levels of how to respond.

Today we’ll just do a quick overview;

we’ll go into detail on each line later.

Nine at the Beginning (初九): 悔亡，丧马勿逐自复 (Remorse disappears. The lost horse need not be chased—it will return of itself.)

When you don’t get along with someone,

you’ll feel regret, you’ll feel sad.

But it’s okay.

It’s like a horse running off—

you don’t have to chase it;

it’ll come back on its own.

Some disagreements don’t need to be fixed right away.

Let it be, and when the time is right,

it’ll resolve itself.

Nine in the Second Place (九二): 遇主于巷 (Meeting the lord in the lane.)

Running into your lord in a small alley.

When things are tense,

don’t try to reconcile with a big, public production.

Find a private moment,

and talk sincerely.

A lot of conflicts

aren’t some deep, bitter feud—

they’re just misunderstandings.

Talk it out in private,

and it’ll be fine.

Six in the Third Place (六三): 见舆曳，其牛掣 (One sees a cart being dragged back, its oxen being held back.)

Seeing a cart being pulled along,

the oxen straining and not moving forward.

This is the hardest kind of disharmony—

you want to leave but can’t, want to stay but can’t make it work.

Stuck in the middle,

unable to advance or retreat.

Times like this are the hardest to get through,

but once you do, it gets better.

There’s no knot that can’t be untied—

only people who don’t want to untie it.

Nine in the Fourth Place (九四): 睽孤，遇元夫 (Opposed and alone, one meets a great man.)

Feeling totally alone,

and then you meet a truly great person.

When disharmony hits its peak,

you think the whole world has abandoned you—

but that’s when you’ll meet someone who truly understands you.

Disharmony isn’t a bad thing.

It filters out the people who don’t fit with you,

and the ones who stay are the right ones.

Six in the Fifth Place (六五): 悔亡，厥宗噬肤 (Remorse disappears. One’s clan bites through tender meat.)

Regret is gone;

your own clan sits down to eat meat together.

In the end,

blood is thicker than water—

family is still family.

Between family, there’s no grudge that can’t be let go of;

even broken bones are still connected by sinew.

Forgive what you can forgive, let go of what you can let go of.

Nine at the Top (上九): 睽孤，见豕负涂 (Opposed and alone, one sees a pig caked in mud.)

When disharmony is at its worst,

everything you see is an illusion.

You think the other person is a monster,

but a lot of that is just your own imagination.

When things are at their most tense,

that’s usually when misunderstandings are deepest.

Let go of your bias,

step a little closer and look—

maybe it’s not as bad as you think.

Not Getting Along Isn’t Your Fault

Finally, a few words for people who feel like

"I just don’t get along with anyone":

**Not getting along isn’t your fault.**

You don’t need to get along with everyone,

and it’s impossible to get along with everyone anyway.

This isn’t a problem with you—

it’s normal.

In life, having one or two true friends

is already lucky enough.

Everyone else?

If you click, chat a little more;

if you don’t, see each other less.

It’s no big deal.

You don’t need everyone to like you—

you just need the people you like to like you back.

Everyone else?

Be polite, coexist peacefully—

that’s enough.

And don’t twist yourself into someone you’re not

just to fit in with the crowd.

You won’t be happy that way,

and they probably won’t really like you anyway.

Be yourself.

The people who like you will naturally stay;

the ones who don’t will leave sooner or later.

The ones who stay are the right ones.

Final Thoughts

The Kui Hexagram

is about disharmony.

But the point of the Kui Hexagram

isn’t to teach you how to get along with everyone.

It’s to teach you—

to accept disharmony,

to understand disharmony,

to live with disharmony.

This world is just like this:

where there’s harmony, there’s opposition;

where there’s gathering, there’s parting;

where there’s similarity, there’s difference.

That’s the real world,

that’s real human nature.

You don’t have to please everyone,

and you don’t need everyone to understand you.

Just be yourself,

love the people you’re supposed to love,

do the things you’re supposed to do—

that’s enough.

May you—

find fellow travelers on the road,

and also accept those who walk a different path.

Cherish the times you click,

let go when you don’t.

Calm and open-hearted,

walking your own path freely.