Can You Reconcile After a Falling Out? Hexagram Kui Fourth Nine: Let Go of Suspicion, Even a Bold Gamble Can Win You a Friend

Have you ever

had moments like this—

you used to be really close

with someone,

but for no obvious reason,

things slowly fizzled out,

you drifted apart,

and even had a falling out.

Maybe it was over a tiny thing,

maybe it was a misunderstanding,

maybe there was no reason at all—

you just walked your separate ways

before you knew it.

When you look back on it later,

there’s no deep grudge or hatred there,

it’s just that neither of you wanted

to back down first,

to speak up first,

to take that first step.

And then just like that,

you missed each other,

grew distant,

and became strangers.

Is it a shame?

It really is.

But so many people

just can’t bring themselves to take that step.

What if they ignore me?

What if they’ve already forgotten about me?

What if I make a fool of myself trying to reach out?

The ancients already gave us the answer

in the Nine in the Fourth Place of the Kui Hexagram.

睽孤遇元夫: When You’re Lonely, You’re Most Likely to Meet Someone Sincere

The Line Text for Nine in the Fourth Place of the Kui Hexagram says:

「睽孤，遇元夫，

交孚，厉无咎。」

What does this mean?

Let’s break it down character by character.

Kui Gu (睽孤)—

it means being alone,

feeling isolated,

unable to find people who see things the way you do.

Kui means estrangement, being out of step;

gu means loneliness, solitude.

You don’t click with anyone around you,

you’re all by yourself,

no one understands you,

no one has your back.

Yu Yuan Fu (遇元夫)—

you meet a great person.

Yuan means great, primary, upright;

yuan fu is a great man,

a genuine person,

someone with integrity.

When you’re at your loneliest,

you suddenly meet someone

who just gets you.

Jiao Fu (交孚)—

connecting with sincerity.

Jiao means interacting, making friends;

fu means trust, genuine heart.

As soon as the two of you meet,

you open up to each other honestly,

no fake pleasantries,

no hidden agendas.

Li Wu Jiu (厉无咎)—

there’s risk involved,

but no blame.

Li means danger, risk;

wu jiu means no fault,

no major problem.

Doing this might feel a little risky,

you might even get tricked,

but fundamentally,

it’s the right thing to do.

Putting it all together—

you’re all alone,

no one understands you, no one supports you,

and then you meet someone

with real integrity.

You reach out to them with a sincere heart,

and even though there’s some risk,

there’s nothing wrong with that.

The Xiang Commentary says:

「交孚无咎，

志行也。」

Connecting with sincerity brings no blame,

because your intentions

are straight

and your path is true.

What does that mean?

It means—

as long as your heart is upright

and your intentions are sincere,

if you reach out to make friends

with an open heart,

even if you hit a few snags,

even if you misjudge someone,

it’s not the end of the world.

Your original intention is good,

your actions are honorable,

so there’s no blame.

Why You’re Always Scared to Take the First Step

A lot of people

are super passive

when it comes to relationships.

If someone doesn’t reach out to me,

I’ll never reach out to them;

if someone doesn’t back down first,

I’ll never be the one to speak up.

It feels like making the first move

means you lose,

means you’re devaluing yourself,

means you lose face.

Why do we feel this way?

Three reasons.

First,

fear of rejection.

If I reach out to them first,

what if they ignore me?

If I strike up a conversation,

what if they’re cold to me?

That would be so awkward,

so humiliating.

Rather than get rejected,

I’d rather not even try.

That’s how a lot of people think.

But have you ever thought—

if you don’t try,

how do you know what they’re thinking?

Maybe they’re

waiting for you to speak up first too.

Second,

fear of losing out.

If I back down first,

does that mean I lost?

If I make the first move,

does that make it look like

I care more about this relationship?

No way,

I can’t let them think

I can’t live without them.

But in a relationship,

what’s there to win or lose?

If the relationship works out,

both people win;

if it falls apart,

both people lose.

What’s the point of

stubbornly saving face?

Third,

being overly suspicious.

Does he have

some kind of agenda?

Why is he

suddenly being so nice to me?

Is he trying to use me?

A lot of people

carry a measuring stick in their head,

constantly sizing things up,

calculating every angle,

terrified of getting the short end of the stick.

And what happens?

All that calculating

ends up driving away

the friends who actually care about you.

Wen Laoshi often says,

the worst thing between people

is guessing.

You guess what I’m thinking,

I guess what you mean,

and all that guessing

just deepens misunderstandings

and weakens the bond.

Why not just be direct—

say what you really think,

if you miss someone,

go see them.

Keep it simple,

and it’s actually easier

to make real friends.

The Wisdom of Jiao Fu: Give Sincerity, Get Sincerity Back

The core message of

Nine in the Fourth Place of the Kui Hexagram

boils down to two words:

Jiao Fu.

Connecting with sincerity.

What does connecting with sincerity mean?

It means when you interact with people,

don’t be fake,

don’t play games,

don’t always try to get something out of them.

When you show your true heart,

other people will show theirs to you too.

How do you practice jiao fu?

Three things.

First,

don’t be suspicious.

Don’t always assume

people are being nice to you

for a reason.

Don’t always think

people are getting close to you

just to use you.

Most people aren’t as bad

as you think they are,

and they’re not that bored either.

They’re being nice to you

probably just because they think

you’re a good person

and want to be friends.

If you immediately doubt them,

how do you think that makes them feel?

Second,

don’t put up walls right away.

Of course that doesn’t mean

you tell them everything

and have zero guard up at all.

It just means don’t

treat someone like an enemy

or a rival

the second you meet them.

Give them a chance first,

and give yourself a chance too.

Hang out a bit,

chat and see how it goes—

you’ll figure out if they’re a good person

and if you click

after spending some time together.

Don’t write someone off immediately.

Third,

be the first to give.

A lot of people make friends

like they’re waiting for a sure thing—

you be nice to me first,

then I’ll be nice to you;

you show your sincerity first,

then I’ll think about it.

But feelings are mutual.

You wait for me, I wait for you,

and by the end,

neither of you takes that first step.

Why not take the first step yourself,

and see if the other person

follows along.

If they do,

you’ve got a friend;

if they don’t,

you haven’t lost anything,

at least you know what kind of person they are.

Some people say,

what if I’m sincere to someone

and they trick me?

Easy—

once is enough,

next time you’ll know

this person isn’t worth being friends with.

Lose a little once,

see someone clearly,

it’s not a bad deal.

It’s way better than

spending your whole life suspicious,

spending your whole life lonely,

never making a single real friend.

Can You Fix Things After a Falling Out?

A lot of people ask me,

after falling out with a friend,

breaking up with a partner,

fighting with family,

can you make things right again?

My answer is—

yes, but there’s a catch.

The catch is exactly what

Nine in the Fourth Place of the Kui Hexagram says:

Jiao fu, li wu jiu.

You have to show sincerity,

you have to genuinely want to fix things,

not to win an argument,

not to get something out of it,

not just to save face.

You only try to fix things

if you truly feel

this relationship matters,

this person is worth it.

How do you fix it?

It’s simple, actually—

three steps.

Step one,

drop the pride.

Don’t think

that speaking up first means you lose.

In relationships, there’s no winning or losing—

only whether you cherish each other or not.

If you value this relationship,

be the first to reach out.

It’s not embarrassing.

What’s embarrassing

is regretting it

after the relationship is already gone.

Step two,

don’t lecture them.

Don’t start off with

"You always did this and that"

or "What you did was wrong".

Dragging up old fights is the worst thing you can do when trying to reconcile.

If you want to fix things,

don’t bring up the past,

don’t argue about who was right or wrong.

Just say you miss them,

say this relationship

means a lot to you,

say let’s

make up.

Step three,

give them an out.

Chances are,

they’re waiting for an opening too.

When you make the first move

and offer that opening,

they’ll take it.

Don’t pressure them

to give you an answer right away,

don’t force them

to apologize and admit they were wrong.

Give them time,

give them space,

take it slow.

Fixing a relationship

doesn’t happen with one conversation—

it’s a process.

Of course,

not every relationship

is worth fixing.

If that person

truly hurt you,

truly has bad character,

truly isn’t worth being friends with,

then let it go.

Going your separate ways

and finding happiness on your own

is also a kind of wisdom.

But if it’s just over

a tiny thing,

a misunderstanding,

neither of you wanting to back down first,

then don’t keep up the act.

Be the one to reach out.

It’s not embarrassing.

In this lifetime, you don’t get

that many real friends—

it’s not easy to find them.

Final Thoughts

Nine in the Fourth Place of the Kui Hexagram tells us—

when you’re lonely,

don’t shut yourself off;

when you meet someone you click with,

don’t hesitate or doubt them.

睽孤，遇元夫，

交孚，厉无咎。

Reach out with a sincere heart,

and even if there’s a little risk,

it’s no big deal.

This road we call life

isn’t that long,

but it’s not that short either.

Finding even a few people

you can really talk to,

who get you,

who are genuinely good to you—

that’s not easy.

When you find them,

don’t push them away

over a little pride,

a little suspicion,

a little ego.

Remember,

sincerity begets sincerity.

If you’re real, I’ll be real too.

Take that first step,

and if the other person is willing

to walk the remaining ninety-nine steps with you,

that’s a relationship

worth cherishing.

Even if they aren’t willing,

you haven’t lost anything—

at least you

can live with yourself.

Jiao fu, li wu jiu.

People who treat others with sincerity

never truly lose.