Approach Hexagram First Line: How to Make People Willing to Get Close to You? "Xian Lin, Zhen Ji (Influential Approach, Perseverance Brings Good Fortune)" — Sincerity for Sincerity Is the Path to Long-Lasting Bonds

Have you ever felt this kind of confusion?

You’re clearly nice to people, but you just can’t seem to be popular. No one invites you out, no one calls you to meals or gatherings, and no one thinks of you when good things come up.

You have no idea what you did wrong — you didn’t offend anyone, you’re polite to everyone, so why doesn’t anyone want to hang out with you?

Or maybe you’re in a different situation: you’re desperate to improve your relationships, so you go out of your way to flatter people, help them, and treat them to meals. But what happens? The more proactive you are, the more distant people get. The nicer you are, the less they take you seriously.

You feel so wronged — I’ve poured my heart out, so why can’t I make real friends? Does being sincere with people even matter?

Then there’s the most exhausting type: when they interact with others, they’re always thinking about how to impress them, how to leave a good impression, how to make people like them. It backfires instead, making people think they’re fake and draining to be around.

How do you actually handle relationships? How do you make people want to be close to you and be your friend?

The first line of the *Lin* (Approach) Hexagram, the Nine at the Beginning, has the answer: 「咸临，贞吉。」 (Xian Lin, Zhen Ji — Approach through Influence, Perseverance Brings Good Fortune)

Xian Lin: The Best Way to Get Along Is Mutual Attraction

What is the *Lin* Hexagram? It’s 地泽临 (Dize Lin / Approach), with Kun (The Receptive) above and Dui (The Joyous) below — earth above the marsh, the marsh within the earth. The marsh water rises steadily, creeping closer to the bank — that’s what *lin* means.

*Lin* means to approach, draw near, or face. The entire *Lin* Hexagram is about how you face others, how you get along with people, and how you influence them.

The Nine at the Beginning is the first line of the *Lin* Hexagram, a Yang Line at the very bottom. When you’re just starting out, how do you interact with people? How do you get close to them?

The answer from the Nine at the Beginning is: Xian Lin.

What does *xian* mean? *Xian* is *gan* — feeling, resonance, attraction, mutual influence. Xian Lin means approaching and connecting through attraction. It’s not about forcing yourself on someone, or making them do something — it’s about being your best self, so that others are naturally drawn to you and want to be close.

Why is *xian* the same as *gan* (feeling)? Look at the character: add a “heart” radical below *xian* and you get *gan*. *Xian* is feeling without intent — not forced, not faked, not goal-driven, but natural, from the inside out, and genuine.

The kind of person you are will attract the same kind of people. If you’re sincere, others will be sincere with you; if you’re reliable, others will see you as reliable; if you’re warm, others will want to be around you.

It’s not something you beg for, or trade for — it’s something you attract.

That’s what Xian Lin means.

And then? Zhen Ji — Perseverance Brings Good Fortune.

What does that mean? *Zhen* means staying upright, being sincere, having principles, and not being fake. *Ji* means good fortune, smoothness, and a positive outcome.

Put together: if you interact with others in a sincere, natural way, stay on the right path, and don’t play tricks, the result will definitely be good.

The *Xiang Commentary* says: “Xian Lin, Zhen Ji — because one’s will and conduct are upright.”

Approaching others through attraction and staying upright brings good fortune, because both your intentions and your actions are correct.

Put simply: if your heart is right and your actions are right, people will naturally want to be around you. You don’t have to chase them, beg them, or flatter them.

Why the Harder You Try, the Worse Your Popularity Gets

A lot of people aren’t unpopular because they’re bad people — they’re unpopular because they try too hard.

They try too hard to get along with people, too hard to make others like them, too hard to show off.

What happens? The harder you try, the less natural you seem; the less natural you are, the faker you look to others; and the faker you look, the less they want to be around you.

Why does this happen? Three reasons.

First: you’re too goal-driven.

When you interact with someone, right off the bat you’re thinking: I need to make them like me, I need to be close to them, I need to get something from them.

When you’re that focused on a goal, the other person can feel it. They’ll think you’re not being their friend for real — you have an agenda. Of course they’ll be wary of you, and of course they won’t want a deep friendship.

Second: you’re forcing it too much.

To make people like you, you overdo everything — you lay on the compliments, you help too much, you treat people to meals too often, you flatter nonstop.

But when you force it that hard, it comes off as fake. Real things are natural and effortless. Only fake things need to be performed with effort.

The harder you perform, the clearer it is to everyone else.

Third: you’re not being yourself.

To please others, you pretend to be whoever you think they want. If people like funny people, you force jokes; if they like generous people, you grit your teeth and treat everyone; if they like outgoing people, you push yourself to socialize.

You can keep up the act for a while, but not forever. After a while, you get tired, and so does everyone else. And sooner or later you’ll slip up — then people will think you’re even more fake.

So you see, a lot of people aren’t unpopular because they’re not good enough — they’re unpopular because they’re trying too hard to be “good” — good enough that they stop being themselves.

The Nine at the Beginning tells you: don’t pretend, don’t perform, don’t force it. Be yourself, treat people sincerely, and stay on the right path. People who want to be close to you will come naturally; those who don’t, you can’t make them stay no matter what.

The kind of person you are is the kind of people you’ll meet. If you’re authentic, you’ll meet authentic people; if you’re sincere, you’ll meet sincere people.

That’s Xian Lin — feeling without intent, natural attraction.

How to Be Someone People Want to Be Around

So how do you make people want to be close to you and be your friend? Three methods, matching the wisdom of the Nine at the Beginning.

First: be yourself first, then worry about relationships.

Stop obsessing over how to interact with people or how to make them like you. Turn your attention back to yourself: what kind of person do I want to be? What are my strengths? What makes me interesting?

When you’ve figured yourself out, when you’re living a vibrant, comfortable life, the people around you will feel comfortable too.

If you’re all tangled up inside yourself, how can anyone else feel comfortable around you?

If you don’t even like yourself, how can anyone else like you?

So focus on being the best version of yourself first. Do your own work well, live your own life well, and cultivate your own temperament.

When you’re in a good place, your relationships will naturally fall into place. If you’re fun, people will naturally want to hang out with you. If you’re reliable, people will naturally want to work with you.

“When the flowers bloom, butterflies come on their own.” It’s a cliché, but it’s true.

Second: use a genuine heart, not tricks.

A lot of people learn all kinds of social skills — how to talk, how to greet people, how to build rapport, how to make people like you.

It’s not that tricks don’t work — they just don’t get to the root of things.

What’s the root? A genuine heart. If you’re truly kind to people, even if you’re not great with words or a little awkward, they’ll feel it. If you’re fake, even if you’re super skilled and say all the right things, they’ll feel that too.

The connection between people is subtle. Whether you’re genuine or fake, you don’t even need to talk — you can tell just by being around someone for a while.

So stop learning social tricks. They don’t work. Just be genuinely kind to people, genuinely care about them, and genuinely help them.

Genuineness is the best social skill there is.

Of course, being genuine doesn’t mean pouring your heart out to everyone. You have to pick who you’re genuine with, set boundaries, and know how to protect yourself.

But at the very least, don’t be fake. Just not being fake already puts you ahead of most people.

Third: stay on the right path, don’t cut corners.

Zhen Ji — staying on the right path brings good fortune. What’s the right path? It means not playing mind games, not using manipulative tricks, not doing sneaky things, not taking petty advantages.

When you’re with people, stop always trying to get something out of them, stop trying to use them, stop calculating everything.

Calculate against someone once, and they’ll be wary of you for life. Take a petty advantage of someone once, and they’ll never trust you again.

In relationships, the most valuable thing isn’t skill — it’s reliability.

If your word is your bond, if you follow through on what you promise, if you don’t cheat or lie to people, they’ll want to be around you.

Being reliable sounds simple, but not many people actually do it. If you can pull it off, you’ll already be ahead of the crowd.

Final Thoughts

Let’s read the line from the Nine at the Beginning of the *Lin* Hexagram one more time: 「咸临，贞吉。」 (Xian Lin, Zhen Ji — Approach through Influence, Perseverance Brings Good Fortune)

Xian Lin — connect through attraction, no forcing, no flattering, no pretending. The kind of person you are is the kind of people you’ll attract.

Zhen Ji — stay on the right path, treat people sincerely, don’t play tricks, and the result will naturally be good.

The *Xiang Commentary* says: “Xian Lin, Zhen Ji — because one’s will and conduct are upright.”

When your thoughts are upright and your actions are upright, your relationships will naturally go smoothly.

A lot of people make relationships way more complicated than they need to be, thinking they need tricks, scheming, and manipulation.

It’s really not that complicated.

If you’re sincere, others will be sincere with you; if you’re reliable, others will see you as reliable; if you’re kind to people, they’ll be kind to you.

It’s that simple.

Of course, that doesn’t mean everyone you’re kind to will be kind back. There will always be people who don’t appreciate your kindness no matter what. So what do you do?

It’s okay. Just be the best version of yourself, and be able to look yourself in the mirror with a clear conscience. People who don’t value you? Let them go. There’s nothing to regret.

The ones who stay are the right ones.

Wen Laoshi once said: the essence of relationships isn’t how many people you know — it’s how many people recognize and value you. And the prerequisite for being valued is first being someone worth valuing.

May you be a sincere, reliable, warm person — and attract friends who are just as sincere, reliable, and warm. You don’t need a lot. Just enough.