Treading Hexagram 92: In Love, What’s Rarest Isn’t Passion, But Openness

Have you ever had this feeling?

After dating for a while, you just feel tired.

It’s not that you don’t love each other anymore — you’re just exhausted from all the guessing. You wonder why he’s slow to reply to messages today; he wonders what you meant by that last comment. You suspect he might have someone else in his heart; he wonders if you want to break up.

When two people are together, they talk more and more, but share fewer and fewer genuine words. They see each other more often, but have less and less honest communication.

You don’t even know why this happens. When you first got together, you talked about everything, held nothing back, and had nothing to hide. How did you end up drifting further apart the longer you stayed together?

The second line of the Hexagram of Treading (履卦) in the I Ching describes exactly this state. It says: "履道坦坦，幽人贞吉 (Treading a level, broad path; the quiet person who perseveres in correctness finds good fortune)."

履道坦坦 — Walk the main road in life, and keep love out in the open

What does "履道坦坦" mean?

履 (Lü) means to tread or walk. 道 (Dào) means path or road. 坦坦 (Tǎntǎn) means level, broad, open and aboveboard.

Put together, it means — walk on a flat, wide main road, not narrow back alleys, crooked paths, or roads you’d be ashamed to be seen on.

The Hexagram of Treading is about "practice" and "how to conduct yourself". The First Line (初九) talks about starting out simply and staying true to what’s right. The Second Line (九二) is about being open and aboveboard as you move along your path.

The Nine in the Second Place (九二) is a Yang Line in a Yin position, sitting in the center of the inner trigram. Its position is excellent — it holds the central place, stays upright, and has resonance with the Six in the Fifth Place (六五) above. So the path it walks is the right path, the main path, the open and honest path.

What does this mean for relationships?

It means — in love, be open, be sincere, be clear and straightforward. Don’t play mind games, don’t give people the silent treatment, and don’t spend all your time guessing.

A lot of people love "using tricks" when they date. They think playing hard to get is the way to win someone’s heart, that keeping a little distance makes the other person care more, and that holding back part of what you mean gives you an air of mystery.

In the short term, it might seem to work. The other person does pay more attention because of your hot-and-cold act, and they want to get to know you more because of your "mystery".

But what happens as time goes on?

After a while, they get tired, and you get tired too. The trust between you slowly gets worn away by all these "tricks". In the end, you can’t tell which of their words are real and which are fake. They can’t tell if you actually like them, or if you’re just flirting for fun.

Wen Laoshi often says: A good relationship makes you feel relaxed, not on edge. If being with someone means you’re always guessing, always on guard, always walking on eggshells, there’s probably something wrong with that relationship.

A truly good relationship is one of "履道坦坦" — you believe what they say, they understand what you do. You say what’s on your mind, no hiding things. Even when you fight, you fight out in the open, not holding grudges in secret.

That’s the kind of love that lasts.

幽人贞吉 — Quiet people can have great relationships too

What does "幽人贞吉" mean?

幽人 (Yōurén) refers to quiet people, introverted people, people who don’t talk much. 贞 (Zhēn) means to stay upright, to persevere in what’s right. 吉 (Jí) means good fortune.

Put together, it means — even if you’re quiet and introverted, even if you’re not good at expressing yourself, as long as you stay honest, open, and sincere, your relationship can still be a happy one.

This line is such a comfort.

A lot of people think you have to be smooth-talking, flirty, and good at romance to date. They think people who are bad with words, introverted, or bad at expressing themselves deserve to be single, deserve to have bad luck in love.

The Nine in the Second Place tells you — that’s not true.

Look at this line: it’s a Yang Line in a Yin position. It has depth and strength, but it doesn’t show off, doesn’t put itself on display. It’s a "幽人" — a quiet, calm person. But why is it auspicious? Because it’s "贞" — it stays true to what’s right, it’s open, it’s sincere.

In relationships, this means — you don’t have to be a great talker, you just have to be sincere. You don’t have to be super romantic, you just have to be reliable. You don’t need a bunch of tricks, you just have to treat the other person well with a real heart.

Some people are great at sweet talk — they can spout romantic lines without even thinking — but they forget what they said five minutes later and aren’t reliable at all. Other people are bad with words, can barely choke out an "I love you", but they remember your favorite food, take care of you when you’re sick, and show up the second you need them.

Which kind of person is worth trusting with your heart? The answer is obvious.

Wen Laoshi once said: In love, solid actions matter more than pretty words. No matter how moving a love line is, it can’t compare to real, consistent action. No matter how romantic a surprise is, it can’t compare to day-after-day companionship.

There’s another layer to "幽人贞吉" — in a relationship, it’s really important to stay true to your own rhythm.

Don’t lose yourself just because you’re in love. Don’t change who you are just to match what the other person likes. Don’t become someone you’re not just to please them.

You are you — a quiet, ordinary person with strengths and flaws. If you stay true to yourself, the other person can fall in love with the real you. If you lose sight of who you are, who exactly is it that they’re falling for?

What does "openness and honesty" really mean in a relationship?

We’ve talked so much about "openness" — but what does being open and honest in a relationship actually look like?

It doesn’t mean you have to tell the other person every single thing and have zero privacy. It doesn’t mean you can’t have your own space, your own friends, your own life.

Openness and honesty work on three levels.

First level: No deception.

This is the bottom line. No matter how big or small the issue, don’t lie, don’t hide things, don’t deceive.

If you went somewhere today, say where you went. If you have thoughts or feelings, say what they are. If you made a mistake, own up to it.

Don’t think "white lies" are harmless. A lie is a lie — there’s no such thing as a "good" or "bad" lie. Tell one lie, and you’ll have to tell a hundred more to cover it up. By the end, you won’t even be able to tell what’s true and what’s fake anymore.

And once the other person finds out you lied even once, their trust in you takes a hit. Trust is hard to build, but easy to destroy.

Second level: No guessing.

If you have a question, ask it directly. If you’re upset about something, say it directly. If you have an idea, speak up directly.

Don’t sit around guessing. When you guess and overthink, you usually end up twisting things out of shape, making simple problems complicated, and turning nothing into a huge deal.

A lot of relationship conflicts aren’t about anything big — they’re just born from overthinking. He doesn’t reply to your message today, and you assume he doesn’t love you anymore. He says a word to someone of the opposite gender, and you assume there’s something going on between them.

All that guessing will eventually wear your relationship away.

Instead of wasting time guessing, just ask. Get a clear answer, fix what needs fixing, relax when there’s nothing to worry about — isn’t that so much better?

Third level: No forcing things.

Another part of being open is — don’t force yourself, and don’t force the other person.

If you don’t want to do something, say you don’t want to. If you don’t like something, say you don’t like it. If you can’t accept something, say you can’t accept it. Don’t force yourself to say yes just to please them, then feel resentful about it later.

And don’t pressure the other person into doing things they don’t want to do. They have their own rhythm, their own likes, their own boundaries. If you respect theirs, they’ll respect yours — that’s how a relationship stays equal.

Nothing forced — whether it’s love or anything else — lasts very long.

Three relationship tips from the Nine in the Second Place

So how do you actually practice "履道坦坦" in a relationship? Here are three directions to think about.

First: Speak directly, but speak kindly.

Being open doesn’t mean saying whatever pops into your head with no regard for the other person’s feelings.

You can be straightforward, but be gentle about it. For example, if you’re upset with your partner, don’t say "Why do you always do this? You’re so annoying." Instead, try saying "When you do that, I feel a little upset. Can we talk about it?"

Same meaning, different way of saying it — completely different result.

Sincere, but respectful. Open, but gentle. That’s the mark of a really mature way of being together.

Second: Give each other space, but don’t put up walls between your hearts.

A good relationship isn’t about two people glued together. It’s about two people who are each independent, but carry each other in their hearts.

You have your own things to do, they have theirs. You have your friends, they have theirs. You have your own space, they have theirs. All of that is totally fine.

What’s not fine? When you have space, but your hearts drift apart too. You don’t tell them anything, they don’t tell you anything. You live under the same roof, but there’s a wall between your hearts.

So — space is okay, but emotional walls aren’t. You can have your own world, but you have to let the other person in.

Third: Be yourself, and let the other person be themselves too.

"履道坦坦" means walking your own path. You don’t have to change who you are for anyone, and you don’t get to demand anyone change for you.

Be exactly who you are. People who like you will like the real you. People who don’t like you — even if you pretend to be exactly their type, they won’t ever really like you.

Same goes for the other person. They are who they are. You love them for who they are, not for the version of them you’ve made up in your head. Accept their strengths, and accept their flaws too. Love the good parts about them, and be patient with the parts that aren’t so great.

When both people are their real selves, the relationship is real — and it’s the kind that lasts.

The Nine in the Second Place of the Hexagram of Treading is such a comfortable, steady place to be in a relationship.

It’s not the fiery, nervous excitement of first falling in love, and it’s not the fighting and exhaustion of a relationship falling apart. It’s that calm, solid stretch in the middle — two people together, sincere, open, no hiding, no guessing.

A lot of people think love has to be grand and dramatic. But that’s not really true.

Grand, dramatic feelings are passion, not love. Passion fades, excitement dies down. When everything calms down and you’re still together, steady and sure — that’s love.

Just like the Nine in the Second Place says — "履道坦坦，幽人贞吉 (Treading a level, broad path; the quiet person who perseveres in correctness finds good fortune)."

Walk on a flat, wide main road. Even if you’re a quiet, introverted person, as long as you stay true to what’s right, sincere, and open, your relationship will turn out well.

Because good relationships never rely on tricks and techniques to hold them up.

They rely on a real, genuine heart.

May you find someone who makes you feel safe enough to be fully, openly yourself.