How to Tell If Someone Is Sincere? This Line from Hexagram Meng’s Third Yao Works Better Than a Hundred Tests

How do you tell if someone truly likes you?

This is probably a question that gets asked countless times in every relationship.

He replies to my messages instantly—does that mean he’s sincere?

He remembers my birthday—does that mean he’s sincere?

He’s willing to spend money on me—does that mean he’s sincere?

The answer is—not necessarily.

All these things can be faked. Instant replies might just mean he’s bored. Remembering your birthday might just be a phone reminder. Willingness to spend money might just mean he’s rich.

So what can’t be faked?

**How they react when faced with temptation.**

This standard for judgment isn’t something I came up with. Thousands of years ago, in the *I Ching (Book of Changes)*, it was already stated in **the Third Line of the Meng Hexagram (Youthful Folly)**.

What Does the Third Line of the Meng Hexagram Say?

The Line Text (Yao Ci) of the third line of the Meng Hexagram is just eight characters: **勿用取女，见金夫，不有躬，无攸利。** (Do not take such a woman; when she sees a wealthy man, she loses her self-respect. Nothing is favorable.)

It sounds a bit awkward, so let me put it in plain terms.

"勿用取女" (Do not take such a woman)—don’t marry this kind of person.

"见金夫，不有躬" (When she sees a wealthy man, she loses her self-respect)—the moment they see someone with money and status, they throw away their sense of propriety and dignity.

"无攸利" (Nothing is favorable)—marrying them brings no benefit at all.

As soon as many people read this line, they say, "See? The ancients were just misogynistic."

Don’t jump to conclusions so fast.

The "woman" and "wealthy man" in this line are both metaphors. It’s not talking about romantic relationships between men and women—it’s talking about **human nature**.

What kind of human nature?

The kind of person who latches on to whoever has better conditions, befriends whoever has value to exploit, and immediately changes their mind the second someone better comes along.

People like this exist regardless of gender.

The "gold" in "seeing a wealthy man" doesn’t just mean money. It can be money, power, good looks, fame—any "nice thing" that makes people’s hearts flutter.

The "self" in "losing self-respect" refers to one’s bottom line, principles, and stance.

If a person throws away their bottom line the moment they see something desirable, there’s no telling what they’ll do.

This is the core judgment of the Third Line of the Meng Hexagram: **To tell if someone is worth getting close to, don’t look at how they treat you on a regular basis—look at whether their heart wavers when faced with a "better option".**

Why Does the Meng Hexagram Talk About This?

You might be wondering, isn’t the Meng Hexagram about enlightenment and learning? How does it tie into relationships?

Well, you’re missing the point. The "meng" (youthful folly) discussed in this hexagram isn’t just ignorance of knowledge—it’s **ignorance of cognition**.

When are people most likely to "lose their self-respect at the sight of a wealthy man"?

When they haven’t figured out what they want for themselves.

If you don’t even know what kind of person you like or what kind of life you want, your only standard for judgment becomes—whoever has better conditions, go with them.

Pursue whoever’s better-looking, stay with whoever makes more money, go with whoever treats you well.

That’s not dating—that’s looking for the optimal solution.

But people aren’t math problems; there’s no optimal solution. Today you think this person has great conditions, but what if you meet someone with even better conditions tomorrow? And the day after that, someone even better than that?

You’ll always be comparing, always hesitating, never satisfied.

This is "meng"—you’re muddled yourself, so you get led around by the glitz of the outside world. And as you go along, you lose yourself.

The *Xiang Commentary (Images)* puts it even more bluntly: **"勿用取女，行不顺也。"** (Do not take such a woman, for her path does not run smooth.)

Why shouldn’t you be with someone like this? Because their logic of behavior is flawed—their path can never run smoothly.

Today they can leave someone else for "better conditions"; tomorrow they’ll leave you for "even better conditions".

It’s not that they’re bad—it’s just that their core logic is this: go with whoever’s better. It has nothing to do with you; it’d be the same no matter who they were with.

A Real-Life Example

I know a young woman who’s quite good-looking, and there are plenty of people pursuing her.

She’s had several boyfriends, each with decent conditions. But none of her relationships lasted long.

Why? Because she always runs into someone "better".

Her first boyfriend was a programmer—honest and good to her. Then she met a salesperson who was smooth-talking, charming, and made more money. She thought this one was better, so she broke up.

Her second boyfriend was the salesperson—passionate and romantic. Then she met an entrepreneur who had a car, a house, and a company. She thought this one was better, so she broke up again.

Her third boyfriend was the entrepreneur—rich and impressive. But then his business failed, and he was left with a mountain of debt. She decided "this guy’s done for" and left again.

She told me, "Why can’t I ever meet someone reliable?"

I said, "It’s not that you can’t meet one—it’s that your standard for judgment is wrong."

Your criteria for choosing someone have always been "how good are their conditions", not "what kind of person are they". You jump at people with good conditions, and run when their conditions change. Of course all you meet are "conditions", not "people".

This is the most typical example of "losing self-respect at the sight of a wealthy man".

Even though she’s a woman, she’s the one "seeing a wealthy man". The moment something better comes along, she throws away her bottom line and the promises she once made.

Stay away from people like this, regardless of their gender.

It’s not that they’re bad—it’s that you’ll never feel secure with them. You’ll never know if they’ll turn around and leave the next time a "wealthy man" shows up.

How to Tell If Someone Is Sincere

After all that, how exactly do you judge?

I’ll give you three angles to observe from—they work better than testing them a hundred times.

**First, see how they treat people "beneath them".**

How a person treats waiters is how they’ll treat you six months later.

It’s true.

Think about it—they’re nice to you now maybe because they’re pursuing you, they need you, or they think you have value. But how they treat waiters, delivery workers, or cleaning ladies is the true color of their character.

Because those people are "useless" to them—they don’t need to put on an act.

If they boss waiters around and are rude to delivery workers, rest assured that once they’ve won you over, once you’ve been together a while, once they think you’re "nothing special", they won’t treat you much better.

Sincerity isn’t about how nice they are to you—it’s about how nice they are to "useless people".

**Second, see how they react when you’re at a "low point".**

Lots of people in relationships can only share the good times, not the hard times.

When things are going well for you, they hang around you and treat you really well. When things aren’t going well—you lose your job, get sick, run into trouble—they start to distance themselves, nitpick at you, or even disappear entirely.

Why?

Because you’ve "depreciated". You’re no longer that "wealthy man"—you have no more value to exploit.

This is the reverse verification of "losing self-respect at the sight of a wealthy man"—they’re with you for the "gold" you have. Once the gold is gone, so are they.

So don’t judge someone’s sincerity when everything’s going smoothly for you.

Wait until you run into some trouble, until you’re in a bad state, until you’re at your most狼狈 (disheveled, lowest point)—then see if they’re still there.

If they are, that’s sincerity. If they’re not, they were just there to take advantage.

**Third, see what kind of friends they have around them.**

Birds of a feather flock together. There’s truth to that saying.

If all their friends are the kind of people who forget honor at the sight of profit, are fickle and unfaithful, and change partners faster than they change clothes—don’t expect them to be much better.

People are products of their environment. If they hang out with people like that every day, their values will get assimilated sooner or later.

Conversely, if their friends are all reliable, steady, and value relationships, chances are they’re not bad either.

Wen Laoshi often says, to know a person, you don’t need to look at the person themselves—just look at the three to five friends they hang out with most often, and you’ll have a pretty good idea of what kind of person they are.

What’s real can’t be faked, and what’s fake can’t be real.

A Few Final Words

The Third Line of the Meng Hexagram talks about judging people, but at the end of the day, it’s really talking about you.

Why do you run into people who "lose their self-respect at the sight of a wealthy man"?

Because you’re also in a state of "meng" (youthful folly).

You only look at conditions, only look at the surface, only look at how they treat you. You don’t look at their character, their bottom line, or how they treat other people.

If your own standard for judgment is wrong, of course you’ll end up with the wrong people.

So before you judge whether the other person is sincere, ask yourself first—what is it that you really want?

Someone with good conditions, or someone reliable?

A relationship that looks impressive on the surface, or a steady, long-lasting relationship?

Once you figure this question out, your ability to judge people will naturally become accurate.

The Meng Hexagram says, "匪我求童蒙，童蒙求我" (It is not I who seek the young fool; the young fool seeks me)—you have to figure things out for yourself first before you can see others clearly.

If you’re muddled yourself, no matter how much someone else pretends, you won’t be able to see through it.

Don’t rush to find the answer.

First, live your own life with clarity.

Once you’re clear on who you are, the right person will naturally come along.