What to Do When Family Luck Is Off? Meng Hexagram Nine in the Second Place Tells You: Tolerance Is the Best Feng Shui for a Home

What should you do when things keep going wrong at home?

A reader reached out to me, saying her family life had been really tense lately.

Her kid, now in junior high, is getting more and more rebellious and won’t listen to anything she says. Her husband, whose career isn’t going well, clams up the second he gets home and gets annoyed if she asks too many questions. Her mother-in-law moved in from their hometown, and their different living habits lead to petty arguments every other day.

She said, “Wen Laoshi, I feel like a full-time firefighter, just putting out one conflict after another every day. How come everyone else’s family is happy and harmonious, but mine has so many problems?”

I asked her, “How do you usually handle these conflicts?”

She said, “What else can I do? I reason with my kid, have heart-to-heart talks with my husband, and communicate with my mother-in-law. But nothing works. The more I talk, the less they listen; the more I try to communicate, the worse things get.”

I said, “Then try doing the opposite.”

She asked, “What do you mean, the opposite?”

I said, “Stop trying so hard to fix them. First, take a look at **the Nine in the Second Place of the Meng Hexagram (Youthful Folly)**.”

What Is the Nine in the Second Place of the Meng Hexagram?

The Line Text (Yao Ci) for the second line of the Meng Hexagram is very short: **包蒙，吉。纳妇，吉。子克家。 (Bao meng, ji. Na fu, ji. Zi ke jia / Enveloping folly, good fortune. Taking a wife, good fortune. The son takes charge of the family.)**

These three lines are the antidote to all family relationship problems.

Let me explain first.

The Nine in the Second Place is the ruling line of the Meng Hexagram — it is firm (yang), holds the central position, has capability and status, and is the strongest line in the entire hexagram. You’d think someone this powerful would be high and mighty, lecturing everyone else on how to live, right?

But that’s not its attitude at all.

Its attitude is “bao meng” — enveloping and包容 folly and ignorance.

What does that mean? It means when the people below you don’t understand, are confused, or can’t get things straight, you don’t scold them, correct them, or try to remake them. You hold space for them, tolerate them, and wait for them.

Why is包容反而 auspicious?

Because everyone has their own pace of waking up and understanding. Rushing them does no good. If you hold space for them and wait, they’ll come around on their own.

It’s just like a seed. If you dig up the soil every day to check if it’s sprouted, it won’t grow well. But if you bury it in the soil, water it, and give it time, it’ll break through the soil all by itself.

“Na fu, ji” — taking a wife into the home brings good fortune.

Why is taking a wife auspicious? Because with a mistress of the house, Yin and Yang are in harmony. A household can’t function only with firm, reason-driven energy. It also needs gentle, emotion-driven energy. Only when Yin and Yang are balanced can a home run smoothly.

“Zi ke jia” — the son is able to take charge of family affairs.

What does this mean? It means the next generation has grown up and can carry their weight, so the family’s fortunes can continue.

The Xiang Commentary (Images) says: “The son takes charge of the family, because firmness and yielding are properly regulated.” — The son can take on family responsibilities because firmness and softness complement each other, and the pace is right. It’s not forced out of him; he grows into it naturally.

Put simply, the Nine in the Second Place of the Meng Hexagram is this —

You don’t manage your family by controlling them; you manage them by holding space for them.

The more you try to yank someone out of their folly, the more they shrink back into it. Stay by their side, hold space for them, and when they’re ready to come out on their own, just reach out a hand to help.

Why the More You Reason with Family, the Less They Listen

Let me tell you a true story.

I have a friend who’s a university professor — he’s really good at laying out arguments and reasoning.

His son, then in high school, got obsessed with video games, and his grades plummeted. My friend was frantic. He lectured his son every day — from life ideals to future prospects, from the harms of gaming to the importance of studying.

It didn’t work.

His son let the words go in one ear and out the other, and kept playing just as much.

Then one time, his son said to him, “Dad, stop. I already know everything you’re saying. But I just don’t want to study. I can’t make myself do it.”

He was furious at the time, thinking how could this kid be so unmotivated.

But after he calmed down, he thought — did his son really know all those道理 he was talking about? Maybe he did. But knowing something doesn’t mean you can do it.

Just like you know staying up late is bad for you, but you still do it. You know eating junk food is bad for you, but you still eat it.

You know all the道理, but you can’t put them into practice. That’s the state of “meng” (folly/ignorance).

Reasoning with someone in a state of folly is like telling a drunk person “stop being drunk.” It doesn’t work.

The Hexagram Judgment (Gua Ci) of the Meng Hexagram says: “It is not I who seek the young fool; the young fool seeks me.”

It’s not the teacher begging the student to learn; it’s the student who figures things out on their own and comes to ask questions主动.

The same goes for family — it’s not you chasing your family around to reason with them; it’s them figuring things out on their own, and then it clicks.

The more you chase, the more they run. If you stop, they’ll actually turn around to look.

That’s the first layer of meaning of “bao meng” — don’t rush to correct people; leave them a little space to figure things out on their own.

“Bao Meng” Is Not Indulgence — It’s Boundaried Tolerance

At this point, some people are sure to ask — if you包容 everything, isn’t that just indulgence? If you don’t correct your kid when they do something wrong, or say nothing when your spouse is down and out, won’t everything fall apart?

Good question.

Bao meng is not indulgence; there’s a fundamental difference between the two.

What is indulgence? It’s when you know someone is wrong, but you’re too afraid to say something or too lazy to deal with it, so you let them run wild. In the end, small problems turn into big ones, and big problems blow up.

What is bao meng? It’s when you know someone is in a “meng” stage right now, and you know they won’t listen to reason, so you don’t force it. But you’re not ignoring them — you’re standing by, waiting for them to come around, and then you reach out.

What’s the difference?

First, you have a clear head. You know what state they’re in, and you know where the bottom line is. It’s not mindless letting things slide.

Second, you’re not passively waiting — you’re actively giving space. You know forcing it won’t work, so you choose a smarter approach.

Third, you have patience. You know understanding takes time, and you’re willing to wait.

Take a kid who plays video games, for example.

An indulgent parent would — just let them be, let them play as much as they want, since they can’t control them anyway.

A parent practicing bao meng would — I know you’re hooked right now, and forcing you won’t work. So I won’t pick a fight with you, but I will set rules — you can only play after you finish your homework, max one hour a day, a little more on weekends. Then I’ll wait for the right opportunity, when you hit a wall or figure things out on your own, and then we’ll talk.

One is giving up, the other is waiting for the right time. They’re completely different.

Wen Laoshi often says that the word “bao” (enveloping/holding) in the I Ching isn’t about being cowardly — it’s about wisdom. You know when to advance and when to retreat. You have power, but you don’t abuse it.

That’s true strength.

When Things Go Wrong at Home, Start with “Bao” (Holding Space)

So how do you apply “bao meng” in real life?

I’ll give you three scenarios to compare with your own situation.

**First scenario: Your kid won’t listen.**

Many parents’ first reaction is — I have to teach them a lesson. Then they start reasoning, losing their temper, even yelling or hitting.

What’s the result? The kid either gets more rebellious, or more timid. Neither is good.

How to use bao meng?

Don’t rush to correct them first. Figure out — why won’t they listen? Do they really not understand, or do they understand but can’t do it, or do they just have their own ideas?

Once you figure that out, decide — what has to be corrected (like safety issues, moral issues), and what can wait (like study attitude, daily habits).

For things that have to be corrected, set clear rules and follow through.

For things that can wait, hold space for them first. Give them time to figure it out on their own.

You have to trust that every kid wants to be better. The more you push them, the more they’ll defy you. Give them space, and they’ll actually move in a better direction.

**Second scenario: Your spouse is going through a low point.**

Your partner’s career isn’t going well, they’re in a bad mood, and they clam up when they get home. What do you do?

Many people’s first reaction is — I have to help them. Then they start pestering them with questions, giving advice, or even making decisions for them.

What’s the result? The other person gets even more annoyed.

Why? Because when someone is at a low point, the last thing they need is someone telling them what to do. What they need is for someone to know they’re struggling, but not push them.

How to use bao meng?

Don’t pester them with questions, don’t lecture them, and don’t say things like “why are you so useless” all the time.

Just go about your normal routine. Call them to eat when dinner’s ready, put their clean laundry out for them. If they want to talk, listen. If they don’t, don’t ask.

Let them know — no matter how bad things get, this home is your safe place to fall back on.

When they recover, they’ll get back on their feet on their own.

If you hold space for them during their hardest time, they’ll remember it forever.

**Third scenario: You have a generation gap with elderly family members.**

Your mother-in-law or mother moves in, and you have different living habits, different values, and all kinds of friction. What do you do?

Many people’s first reaction is — I need to communicate with her and make her see reason.

What’s the result? The more you communicate, the bigger the conflict gets. The elder feels like you dislike them, and you think they’re unreasonable.

How to use bao meng?

For things that aren’t a matter of principle, just pretend you don’t see them.

Let her cook however she wants. If it tastes good, eat more; if not, eat less. Let her take care of the kid however she wants. As long as it’s not a principle issue, just turn a blind eye.

Don’t try to change an elder. Can you really change the habits and values they’ve had for decades with a few words? Impossible.

If you hold space for her, she won’t fight you. The more you try to correct her, the more she’ll dig in her heels.

Home is not a place for arguing about who’s right — it’s a place for love.

That saying sounds cliché, but that’s exactly what the Nine in the Second Place of the Meng Hexagram means.

A Few Final Words

That reader whose family was so tense later told me something.

She said her husband had been down and out for over half a year, and she used to nag him all the time. After hearing what I said, she tried to stop pushing. She called him to eat when dinner was ready, and if he didn’t talk, she didn’t ask. This went on for a little over a month.

One night, her husband brought it up on his own: “Honey, I’ve thought it through. I’m going to try switching to a new direction.”

She said, “I almost cried right then. I nagged him for half a year and nothing worked, but when I stopped pushing, he figured it out on his own.”

I said, “See? That’s the power of ‘bao meng’.”

Everyone has their own pace. Rushing doesn’t work, forcing doesn’t work, reasoning doesn’t work either.

You have to wait.

Wait for them to walk out of their own folly on their own.

The “bao meng, ji” (enveloping folly, good fortune) of the Nine in the Second Place of the Meng Hexagram isn’t asking you to be cowardly — it’s asking you to be wise.

You know when to step in and when to wait. You know what has to be handled and what can be let go.

Home is a place for love, not for winning arguments about who’s right and who’s wrong.

Your family isn’t your opponent — you don’t need to “beat” them.

Hold space for them when they’re in the dark, and when they wake up, they’ll be grateful for you naturally.

Tolerance is the best feng shui a home can have.