How to Improve Bad Marriage Relationship? Qian Hexagram 6th 5: The More You Argue, the More You Lose, Not Fighting Is the Greatest Win

How to improve a strained marriage? It’s one of the most common and headache-inducing problems in many relationships.

Do you feel the spark between you and your partner fading more and more each day? You have nothing to talk about, you fight all the time, you can barely stand the sight of each other, and once you get home, you both just scroll on your phones separately. You want to make things better, but you don’t know where to start. You think it’s all their fault — they don’t care about you, they don’t do housework, they don’t understand you, they’ve changed.

The more you dwell on it, the more wronged and angry you feel — and the worse your relationship gets.

You’ve probably read dozens of relationship articles, learned tons of communication skills, and even tried having a calm talk with them. But as soon as things get tense, you fall right back into old habits: one wrong word and you’re yelling, then comes the cold shoulder, then another fight after the silent treatment.

You’re exhausted. You think, why is running a family this hard?

The fifth line of the Hexagram of Modesty — the Six in the Fifth Place (六五) — holds the answer: 「不富以其邻，利用侵伐，无不利。」 (Not enriching oneself at the expense of neighbors; it is favorable to launch a punitive expedition. Nothing is unbeneficial.)

Not Enriching Oneself at the Expense of Neighbors: If You Stop Fighting First, They Have No Opponent

The Six in the Fifth Place is the fifth line of the Hexagram of Modesty, and it sits in the hexagram’s honored position. But it is a Yin Line — even at the highest rank, it acts with softness, modesty, and non-contention.

What kind of state is that?

It’s called "not enriching oneself at the expense of neighbors" — it doesn’t hoard all wealth, credit, or benefits for itself. It’s willing to share them with the people around it, with its neighbors.

Why does it do that? Because it is modest — it feels these things don’t belong to it alone, that it doesn’t deserve them all by itself, and that everyone has a share.

Applied to a marriage, what the Six in the Fifth Place teaches is this: the highest form of "winning" in a relationship is when you don’t fight with your partner, yet you win the whole bond between you.

For many couples with strained relationships, what’s the root cause? It’s fighting.

Fighting over who’s right and who’s wrong, who wins and who loses, who calls the shots, who gives more, who contributes more to the family. Fight after fight, and the love fades away.

The Six in the Fifth Place tells you: stop fighting first. Lower your stance first. Let go of the benefits first. Don’t grab everything for yourself.

What does that mean? At home, stop thinking you’re the one who does the most, that you give the most, that they should always listen to you. Admit first — they’ve put in a lot too. This home is held up by both of you; no one is more important than the other.

Once you have this mindset, you’ll naturally stop fighting with them.

When you stop fighting, they have no one to fight with.

Some people say, why should I be the one to give in first? Why should I lower myself?

Because you’re the one who wants a harmonious home more.

Do you want to win an argument, or do you want a warm home? If you want to win, keep fighting. If you want a home, take a step back first.

Favorable to Launch a Punitive Expedition: Modesty Isn’t Cowardice — It’s Kindness With Boundaries

But right after "not enriching oneself at the expense of neighbors" comes another line: "it is favorable to launch a punitive expedition. Nothing is unbeneficial."

It doesn’t mean you just give in endlessly, let everything slide, and put up with however they mistreat you. That’s not modesty — that’s cowardice.

The modesty of the Six in the Fifth Place has bottom lines, principles, and boundaries.

If they go too far, if they push their luck, if they cross your bottom line — you have to speak up when you need to, stand your ground when you need to, and "launch a punitive expedition" when you need to.

But note this: your "punitive expedition" isn’t about winning against them, blowing off steam, or proving you’re right. It’s about maintaining order in your home, getting the relationship back on track, and doing what’s good for both of you.

When the starting point is different, the result is different.

Fighting to win makes the relationship worse and worse; speaking up to make things better draws you closer and closer.

The Xiang Commentary (象传) says: 「利用侵伐，征不服也。」 (It is favorable to launch a punitive expedition, to subdue those who are unruly.)

A punitive campaign is meant to subdue those who are immodest and unruly — not to plunder, but to restore order.

You fight all the time not because you have huge conflicts, but because you both want to "subdue" each other — you both want the other to submit, to win, to call the shots.

Two people who both want to win living under one roof — how could they not fight?

So how do you stop fighting? Someone has to let go of the idea of "winning" first.

Why can’t that someone be you?

Don’t say "why should I give in first" — because you’re the one who read this article first, because you’re the one who wants to change first, because you’re the one who wants a good marriage more.

Let go of the thought "I have to win" first. Start with "not enriching oneself at the expense of neighbors" — stop fighting them over credit, over who’s right, over who gets to speak. When you stop fighting, they can’t pick a fight alone.

Wait until they calm down, then talk to them properly — not to bring up old grudges, not to lecture them, but to share your feelings, your needs, and how you want to make this home better.

That’s what "favorable to launch a punitive expedition" means — you’re not without a temper, you’re not easy to push around, you have principles. But your principles are for the good of the relationship, not for winning.

Doing this might not work once or twice, but over time, they’ll definitely feel it — you’re not fighting against them, you’re working with them to take care of this home.

They’ll put down their weapons and stand by your side.

What’s the Root of Being Too Dominant in a Relationship?

I know some of you will say — I just have a dominant personality, I can’t change it.

You know you’re pretty dominant — at home you call the shots, whatever you say goes, and if they don’t listen you get upset and throw a fit.

You also know this isn’t good — they’re getting quieter and quieter, they don’t want to come home as much, and your relationship is fading more and more. You want to change, but you can’t — you just can’t help but control, to dominate, to win.

You’re in so much pain, and you don’t know how to soften up a little.

The Six in the Fifth Place says — what’s the root of being too dominant in a relationship? It’s that you think you’re better than them, that you’re more right than them, that this home can’t function without you. Deep down, you look down on them, you think they’re not as good as you.

That’s why you have to control them, call the shots, and win against them.

So how do you change? Start with "not enriching oneself at the expense of neighbors."

Admit first that they have their strengths, that they’ve contributed a lot to this home, and that you couldn’t do it without them. Stop taking all the credit for yourself, stop thinking you’re so amazing.

Once you shift this mindset, you’ll naturally stop being so dominant.

Then what? "Favorable to launch a punitive expedition" — it doesn’t mean you become weak and let everything slide from now on. You still need to have your own opinions, your own principles, and handle the things that need handling.

But the purpose behind your actions changes.

Before, you controlled things to prove you were right, that you were great. Now, you handle things for the good of this home, for the good of them.

When the purpose is different, your tone, your attitude, your way of doing things — all of it changes.

Before you’d say "Why are you so stupid? Let me do it." Now you say "I have a little experience with this, let me help you figure it out together."

Tell me — would the other person feel the same way?

Being dominant isn’t the problem. The problem is whether your dominance is meant to win against them, or to win together. If you’re trying to win against them, the relationship gets worse with every fight. If you’re trying to win together, the relationship gets better and better.

Wen Laoshi often says, a good marriage isn’t when both people are strong — it’s when both people are willing to soften for each other.

You soften once, they take a step back. You back off a foot, they back off a yard. Little by little, the home feels warm again.

There Are Only Two Things to Remember for Married Life

After all that, let’s sum it up. How do you improve a strained marriage? Just two things.

First: not enriching oneself at the expense of neighbors — lower your own stance first.

Stop thinking you’re the one who does the most, stop thinking you give the most, don’t keep score of everything with them. Admit first — they have it hard too, they’ve put a lot into this home, and you’re also in the wrong about some things.

When you let go of that pride, that haughtiness, your relationship can finally take a breath.

How do you lower your stance? Specifically, there are three phrases you can say more often.

"You’ve had it hard too." — Don’t always talk about how tired you are. Acknowledge how hard they have it. When they hear that, their heart will warm.

"This home is so lucky to have you." — Don’t always emphasize your own contributions. Affirm their value more. When they feel recognized, they’ll naturally want to give more.

"I was wrong." — Don’t always think you’re completely in the right. Apologize when you should. Apologizing isn’t losing — it’s caring. When you apologize first, they’ll end up reflecting on their own mistakes too.

Second: favorable to launch a punitive expedition — you have to have bottom lines when you need them.

It doesn’t mean you just endure everything and give in all the time. You have to say what needs to be said, set the rules that need setting, and draw the boundaries that need drawing.

But your starting point has to be what’s good for this home, what’s good for your relationship — not fighting over wins and losses, not blowing off steam.

How do you set bottom lines? Also three phrases.

"I feel a little uncomfortable about this." — Talk about your feelings, not your judgments. Don’t start with "Why do you always do this?" Instead say "When you do that, I feel a little sad." The first is blame, the second is expression — the effect is worlds apart.

"I hope we can both get better together." — Make your purpose clear. You’re not here to pick a fight, you want to make this home better. Once they understand where you’re coming from, they won’t be so defensive.

"Let’s try it together, okay?" — Use a negotiating tone, not a commanding one. A plan you both work out together is one you’ll both want to follow. Rules set by one person just make the other want to rebel.

Do these two steps, and you’ll have "nothing unbeneficial" — there’s no way your relationship won’t improve, no way your marriage won’t go smoothly.

Why? Because you’re not their opponent — you’re their teammate. You don’t want to win against them — you want to win with them. That’s the kind of relationship that lasts, that’s sweet, that gets better and better over time.

A Final Note

The Hexagram Judgment of the Hexagram of Modesty says: 「亨，君子有终。」 (Success. The superior person has a good end.)

From the "modesty of modesty" of the Six at the Beginning (laying the foundation), to the "modesty that is voiced" of the Six in the Second Place (building reputation), to the "modesty of hard work" of the Nine in the Third Place (solid effort), to the "modesty that is wielded" of the Six in the Fourth Place (putting it into practice), to the "punitive expedition" of the Six in the Fifth Place (exercising principle), to the "modesty that is voiced" of the Six at the Top (closing the circle).

The six lines of the Hexagram of Modesty tell a complete, step-by-step path of cultivating the virtue of modesty.

Relationships are the same. From the start when you learn to be modest and give in, to slowly building a good reputation and a good bond, to giving so much for the relationship without taking credit, to learning to nurture it with modesty, to having principles and boundaries, and finally to a deep, loving relationship and a harmonious home.

That’s what "the superior person has a good end" means — if you nurture your relationship with the virtue of modesty, it will definitely turn out well in the end.

So stop fighting with them. Winning an argument but losing your whole home — it’s not worth it.

Take a modest step first, soften a little first, lower your stance first. See if your relationship doesn’t feel different.

I’m sure it will.

Because —

Marriage doesn’t need winners. It needs people who win together.