Xian Hexagram Nine in Third Place: "咸其股 (Xian Qi Gu)" – In Love, Never Lose Yourself to "Whatever He Says Goes"

Have you ever met someone like this?

Before getting into a relationship,

they had their own hobbies, their own friends, their own life, and their own opinions.

They were a person who truly sparkled.

What about after they start dating?

They change completely.

- They stop making plans with friends and revolve their whole day around their partner

- They give up their hobbies and only like whatever their partner likes

- They lose their own opinions and just go along with whatever their partner says

- They even change their style of dress and the way they talk to match their partner

Do you think she's happy?

At first, maybe she is.

But what happens as time goes on?

Her partner gradually finds her boring.

And she feels more and more empty inside.

Why does this happen?

Because—

she has lost herself.

This is exactly what the Nine in the Third Place of the Xian (Influence) Hexagram describes.

「咸其股，执其随，往吝」

The Line Text for the Nine in the Third Place: "**When you love someone, don't lose yourself in the process.**

Xian qi gu, zhi qi sui, wang lin (Influence moves to the thigh; clinging to following, going forward brings humiliation)."

"Gu" means thigh.

In the Xian Hexagram, influence moves upward from the toes, to the calf, and now reaches the thigh.

The thigh controls how we walk.

When the thigh moves, the whole person follows.

"Zhi qi sui" — clinging to following someone.

You go wherever he goes, listen to whatever he says, and like whatever he likes.

You follow the other person completely.

"Wang lin" — moving forward this way, your path will grow narrower, harder, and more unsmooth.

When you follow someone else's lead, your path only gets narrower.

Why?

Because that's his path, not yours.

If you're walking on someone else's road,

can you really go far?

Why do we "cling to following" others?

When you like someone,

why do you unconsciously start following their lead?

Reason 1: You like them too much and are afraid of losing them

When you like someone way too much,

you can start to feel really small.

"I'm not good enough. What if he leaves me?"

"I have to go along with him, that's the only way he'll like me."

"If I do everything he says, he won't leave."

So you start to—

change yourself, cater to them, and walk on eggshells.

You think this is how you'll keep them.

But the truth is exactly the opposite.

The more you please them, the less they value you.

The smaller you make yourself, the more they look down on you.

Why?

Because the person he liked

was the you who used to sparkle.

But for his sake,

you've dimmed your own light.

What's left for him to like about you?

Reason 2: You treat "his happiness" as "your happiness"

Some people, when they fall in love,

treat the other person's happiness as their own.

"If he's happy, I'm happy."

"If he's doing well, I'm doing well."

"As long as he's happy, it doesn't matter what happens to me."

Sounds really noble, right?

But there's a problem here—

his happiness is not the same as your happiness.

When you pin all your happiness entirely on him,

you're happy when he's happy,

and you feel bad when he's upset.

What about you, then?

Where did your own feelings go?

Over time,

you become just an accessory to him.

No life of your own,

no emotions of your own,

no value of your own.

The scariest thing in a relationship isn't breaking up.

It's losing yourself inside the relationship.

Reason 3: You think love is everything

Then there are people

who take love way too seriously.

"Love is my whole world."

"If I have love, I have everything."

So as soon as they start dating,

friends, career, hobbies, family—

all of it gets pushed aside.

Their whole life revolves around love.

And what happens?

As soon as the relationship hits a rough patch,

their whole world collapses.

People who treat love as their everything

end up with nothing when they lose love.

The cost of "going forward brings humiliation"

When you follow someone else's lead,

what are the consequences?

Cost 1: The other person gradually stops valuing you

That's just human nature—

we don't value things that come too easily.

We don't respect people who are always agreeable.

When you do everything he says,

he gradually starts thinking "that's just how you are."

He won't put in the effort to please you anymore,

won't take the time to get to know you,

won't make an effort for you.

Because he knows

no matter what he does,

you'll always be there.

Endless, boundary-less compliance

doesn't earn you love—it earns you contempt.

Cost 2: You feel more and more empty

When you follow someone else's lead,

you're walking someone else's path.

The scenery along the way is what they like.

The destination at the end is what they want.

What about you?

What do you like?

What do you want?

What kind of life do you want to live?

You slowly forget.

You've lost yourself.

In the end,

even if the relationship is still there,

you're not happy.

Because you've become just a shadow of someone else.

Shadows have no weight.

And no one truly values a shadow.

Cost 3: If you break up, you have nothing left

You pour all your time and energy into the relationship,

giving up friends, career, hobbies, and your own life.

What if you break up?

You'll have nothing left.

- Friends have grown distant

- Career has fallen behind

- Hobbies are long gone

- You even forget who you really are

Put all your eggs in one basket,

and if that basket drops, you lose everything.

Good relationships are about walking side by side, not following behind

So what makes a good relationship?

The Nine in the Third Place of the Xian Hexagram says "going forward brings humiliation"—

follow behind, and your path only gets narrower.

What about the opposite?

Don't follow behind—walk side by side, and your path grows wider.

What does walking side by side mean?

You have your own direction, and he has his

You have things you want to do,

he has things he wants to do.

You have your circle of friends,

he has his social circle.

You have your hobbies,

he has his interests.

You're not the same,

and that's okay.

You don't have to be exactly alike.

A good relationship isn't about becoming the same person.

It's about two people being wonderful on their own, then admiring each other.

You share a common destination

Even if your directions aren't exactly the same,

your big-picture goals align.

You both want to build a good life,

both want to become better people,

both have similar hopes for the future.

That's why you can walk side by side.

When you're tired, you support each other.

When times are hard, you hold each other up.

When you're happy, you share it together.

You walk your path, I walk mine,

but we're moving forward together.

You're still you, and he's still him

After getting together,

you haven't turned into a different person,

and he hasn't turned into a different person either.

You're still you,

just a little gentler.

He's still him,

just a little more responsible.

Love makes you better versions of yourselves,

but it doesn't turn you into someone else.

The best kind of relationship is—

I'm still me, you're still you,

but together, we become a better "us".

How to avoid losing yourself

We've talked about all this,

but what do you actually do to not lose yourself in a relationship?

First thing: Never give up your own life

No matter how much you love someone,

never—

- give up your job

- give up your friends

- give up your hobbies

- give up your own growth

These things

are your roots.

When your roots are strong,

love is just the cherry on top.

Without roots,

love is just a castle in the air.

You can love someone with every fiber of your being,

but don't bet your entire life on them.

Second thing: Have your own opinions, don't just go along with everything he says

When two people are together,

there are bound to be different opinions.

That's totally normal.

If you disagree, talk it out.

If you can't agree, compromise.

If you can't compromise, each gives a little.

But don't—

just go along with everything he says.

Letting him have his way on everything.

Not even having an opinion of your own.

Over time,

he'll think you have no mind of your own,

and you'll feel suffocated and resentful.

You can be gentle, but you can't have no boundaries.

You can be agreeable, but you can't have no backbone.

Third thing: Love yourself first, then love others

People say this a million times,

but so many people still can't do it.

If you don't even love yourself,

how can anyone else love you?

If you don't even value yourself,

how can anyone else value you?

Love someone seven parts full, and save the remaining three parts for yourself.

That's not being selfish.

It's protecting yourself,

and it's also how you make a relationship last.

What the Nine in the Third Place teaches us

In the Nine in the Third Place of the Xian Hexagram,

the thigh moves, and you feel the urge to follow.

But the Line Text says "going forward brings humiliation"—

follow behind, and your path only gets narrower.

Why?

Because you lose yourself.

The saddest thing in a relationship

isn't breaking up.

It's that somewhere along the way,

you turned into a different person.

Someone you don't even recognize.

So no matter how much you love someone—

don't follow behind him.

Walk beside him.

If he's going too fast, ask him to wait.

If you're going too slow, he'll stop and wait for you.

You keep the same pace,

and move forward together.

That's the kind of relationship

that can go the distance.

「咸其股，执其随，往吝」

Don't be the person running to keep up.

Be the person—

standing right beside him, shoulder to shoulder.

You're great, and he's great too.

Together, you're even better.