Xian Hexagram Top Six: Why Couples Who Chatter About Nonsense Stay Happy — "咸其辅颊舌 (Xian Qi Fu Jia She, Stirring the Jaw, Cheek and Tongue)" — The Best Relationships Have Endless Small Talk

Have you ever had moments like this:

Chatting with someone,

from 8 p.m. all the way to 2 a.m.

What did you talk about?

It feels like you talked about nothing at all.

- What you ate today

- Seeing a cat on the street

- A coworker wearing a weird outfit

- Whether the new movie is any good

- Silly things you did as a kid

All useless, mindless chatter.

But you had such a great time talking,

you couldn’t bear to hang up.

After you hung up,

you were still smiling.

Your heart felt all warm and fuzzy.

Why is chatting about nothing so much fun?

Because—

what matters isn’t what you say, but who you’re saying it to.

When you’re with someone you like,

even talking nonsense feels like happiness.

That’s exactly the feeling described in the Top Line of the Xian (Influence) Hexagram.

「咸其辅颊舌」 (Xian qi fu jia she / Influencing the Jaws, Cheeks, and Tongue)

The Line Text for the Top Six reads: "咸其辅颊舌。"

"Fu" refers to the jaw,

"jia" is the cheek,

and "she" is the tongue.

All parts around the mouth.

The influence reaches the mouth.

What does that mean?

It means—

you have endless things to talk about.

When you like someone,

you just want to talk to them.

You want to tell them everything,

share every little thing with them.

Even if it’s total nonsense,

saying it to them makes it feel interesting.

And what about them?

They’re happy to listen.

Even if it’s total nonsense,

hearing you say it makes them happy.

Both of you just keep talking,

chattering back and forth,

saying nothing of any real use,

but the relationship grows deeper and deeper

right there in all that nonsense.

More often than not, relationships are nurtured by mindless chatter.

Why Nonsense Matters So Much

You might say:

"What’s the point of talking about nothing?

Can’t we talk about something useful?"

No, you can’t.

Because—

useful words are for life,

useless words are for love.

Nonsense is the urge to share

Why do you want to ramble about nothing with someone?

Because they’re on your mind.

When you see something funny, they’re the first person you want to share it with.

When you eat something delicious, you want to bring them there next time.

When something upsets you, you want to vent to them.

When you read an interesting article, you want to forward it to them.

Most of these shares

are "useless."

But what do they represent?

They represent—

that they have a place in your life.

You’re willing to let them be part of your life,

even the most trivial, boring parts of it.

The urge to share is the highest form of romance.

When someone is willing to ramble about nothing with you,

it means you’re in their heart.

Nonsense is a sense of security

Some couples

can sit together in total silence

and not feel awkward at all.

That’s a certain level of closeness.

But more often than not,

when two people have endless nonsense to chat about,

what does that say?

It says they’re relaxed.

It says that in front of each other,

they don’t have to overthink, put on a front, or keep up appearances.

They can say whatever pops into their head,

not afraid of saying the wrong thing,

not afraid the other person will find them boring,

not afraid the other person will think they talk too much.

That’s what a sense of security feels like.

When you can ramble freely about nothing in front of someone,

it means you’re completely at ease with them.

And being at ease is the foundation of a long-lasting relationship.

Nonsense is companionship

What is companionship?

It’s having you by my side,

spending time together.

How do you spend that time?

You don’t have to do something earth-shattering.

Curling up on the couch together watching a TV show,

joking and commenting the whole time.

Eating a meal together,

chatting about what happened that day.

Taking a walk together,

chattering on about this and that.

All these trivial, boring, useless little conversations

added up together

are companionship.

They’re daily life.

They’re a lifetime.

The most heartfelt declaration of love

isn’t "I love you."

It’s being willing to ramble about nothing with you for a lifetime.

When a Relationship Fades, It Starts With No More Nonsense

So what does a fading relationship look like?

It’s—

when you don’t even feel like talking about nothing anymore.

At first, you want to share everything

When you first get together,

you want to tell them everything.

- The weather is so nice today

- The flowers downstairs are blooming

- I had the most amazing milk tea today

- That person just now was so funny

You want to share every little detail, no matter how small.

Because you want them to know everything about you.

And you want to know everything about them too.

This is when there’s the most nonsense,

and the relationship is at its best.

Slowly, the nonsense fades

After being together for a while,

little by little,

the nonsense starts to disappear.

- "How was your day?" "Fine."

- "Did you eat?" "Yeah."

- "Get some sleep early." "Mhm."

Conversations get shorter and shorter,

more and more concise,

more and more polite.

All you talk about are "useful" things,

no more nonsense.

It might seem like you’ve grown more mature,

but what about the relationship?

It’s faded too.

A relationship without nonsense

is left with only duties and obligations.

That’s not love—that’s just being roommates going through life together.

In the end, only silence remains

And then finally,

you can’t even be bothered to say the useful things anymore.

You get home, each scrolling on your own phone,

each doing your own thing.

Living under the same roof,

but feeling like two strangers.

You don’t speak up, and they don’t ask.

You don’t share, and they don’t care.

Life goes on,

but your hearts have grown distant.

The scariest thing between two people

isn’t fighting.

It’s silence.

It’s when you can’t even be bothered to fight anymore.

How to Keep Having Endless Things to Talk About

Since nonsense is so important,

how do you keep having endless things to chat about?

First: Stay curious

Many people, after being together for a while,

think "I already know everything about them."

So they stop being curious,

stop asking questions,

stop wanting to learn more about them.

But people change.

The person they are today

is definitely not the same as the person they were a year ago,

or ten years ago.

You have to keep that curiosity alive.

- What’s on their mind today?

- What new hobbies have they picked up lately?

- What do they think about this thing?

- What stories from their childhood don’t I know about?

As long as you stay curious,

you’ll always have things to talk about.

A good relationship isn’t about figuring the other person out all at once.

It’s about taking a lifetime to slowly get to know someone.

Second: Listen carefully

Nonsense isn’t a one-way street.

One person talks, the other listens.

Then you take turns, and the conversation just grows and grows.

If one person is talking

and the other is just scrolling on their phone going "mhm, uh-huh, oh,"

the person talking will slowly stop wanting to share.

Because they feel like

you’re not even listening.

There’s no point in saying anything.

So,

when the other person is talking to you,

put down your phone

and listen carefully.

Look them in the eye,

give them a response.

Even just a simple "Really?" "And then what?" "That’s so funny."

People who feel listened to

will get more and more excited to talk.

People who feel ignored

will slowly go quiet.

In a relationship, listening is just as important as speaking.

Third: Do new things together

Why do you run out of things to talk about after being together a while?

Because life gets too repetitive.

Every day is just work, commute home, eat, sleep.

Same people, same routines, same old days.

Once you’ve talked about everything there is to talk about,

naturally you run out of things to say.

What can you do?

Go do new things together.

- Travel somewhere you’ve never been

- Learn a new skill together

- Watch a new TV show together

- Meet some new friends together

- Try a new restaurant together

With new experiences

come new topics to talk about.

With new topics,

you’ll have endless things to chat about.

A good relationship is two people exploring the world together.

Not two people staying in the same spot until they run out of things to say.

Fourth: Don’t take their kindness for granted

When the other person rambles about nothing with you,

it’s because they like you.

Not because they have nothing better to do.

Don’t take it for granted.

When they share something with you, respond to them.

When they vent to you, be there for them.

When they tell you happy news, be happy with them.

When they tell you something sad, comfort them.

With give and take on both sides,

the relationship stays alive.

If it’s only one-sided,

it’ll slowly grow cold.

Cherish the person who’s willing to ramble about nothing with you.

Because not everyone is willing to spend their time

chattering about useless things with you.

Is the Top Line Auspicious or Not?

For the Top Line of the Xian Hexagram,

the Line Text only says "咸其辅颊舌"—

it doesn’t say it’s good fortune, and it doesn’t say it’s misfortune.

Why?

Because—

talking a lot can be a good thing, or it can be a bad thing.

If it’s two people going back and forth,

chattering about nothing endlessly,

and their relationship grows stronger the more they talk,

then it’s auspicious.

If one person won’t stop talking

and the other doesn’t want to listen,

and all the talking just gets annoying,

then it’s inauspicious.

If it’s just sweet words and empty flattery,

saying all the right things with your mouth

but having no real sincerity in your heart,

that’s not a good thing either.

How much you talk doesn’t matter.

What matters is—

whether it’s sincere,

and whether it goes both ways.

What the Top Line Teaches Us

The Xian Hexagram moves from the toes all the way up to the mouth,

with influence reaching every part of the body.

By the Top Line,

the highest point,

the influence reaches the mouth.

The mouth is for speaking.

But the things we most want to say

are usually not the most logical, sensible things.

They’re those useless, mindless little conversations.

Because—

useful words are spoken to the mind,

useless words are spoken to the heart.

So,

if there’s someone in your life

that you have endless nonsense to chat about with,

and they’re happy to listen to your rambling—

cherish them.

Truly.

In this lifetime,

meeting love isn’t rare.

Meeting passion isn’t rare either.

**The best kind of relationship is having endless nonsense to talk about together.**

What is rare

is meeting someone who’s willing to listen to your nonsense,

and willing to ramble about nothing right back at you.

咸其辅颊舌。

May you spend your whole life

with endless things to chatter about,

and someone who’s happy to listen.