Xiao Xu Hexagram Top Yang Line: Why Do People Drift Apart After Building Up Enough Expectations?

Have you ever had this kind of experience?

You like someone and chase them for a long time. From getting to know each other to growing familiar, from the ambiguous stage to making the relationship official, you pour in so much time, so much emotion, and so much expectation. You think — once we’re really together, we’ll be happy.

But once you actually get together, you realize it’s not quite like that.

The initial flutter is gone, the novelty wears off, and all kinds of conflicts bubble up. You start to doubt — did I pick the wrong person? Should this relationship never have started in the first place?

Or the other way around. You’re so good to someone, you keep giving, keep being forgiving, keep stockpiling your kindness. You think — I’m so good to him, he’s bound to be moved, right? But what happens? The more you stockpile, the less he appreciates it. In the end, you’ve had enough disappointment and leave. He’s still totally confused — we were fine, how did we break up?

You stockpile enough expectation, only to drift apart. Why is that, exactly?

The top line of the Hexagram of The Taming Power of the Small (風天小畜) in the I Ching (Book of Changes) speaks to this very truth. It reads: "既雨既处，尚德载，妇贞厉，月几望，君子征凶。"

既雨既处 — The rain has finally fallen, but the story isn’t over

What does "既雨既处" mean? "Ji" (既) means already. "Yu" (雨) means rain. "Chu" (处) means to stop, to cease.

Put together, it means — the rain has fallen, and it has stopped.

What is the Hexagram of The Taming Power of the Small all about from start to finish? It’s about accumulation. It’s "dense clouds, no rain" — there are plenty of clouds, but the rain hasn’t fallen yet. The first five lines all talk about the process of accumulation: how to start, how to move forward together, how to break through bottlenecks, how to maintain progress, how to lead others.

By the Nine at the Top (上九), the rain finally falls. The clouds that have been building up for so long finally turn into rain and pour down.

You think this is the perfect ending? Not quite. The Line Text tells you — the rain has fallen, and it’s stopped. Then what? What do you do next?

This is the part that truly tests people.

A lot of people think the hardest part of a relationship is "getting together." So they chase like crazy, stockpile like crazy, and pour on the kindness like crazy, all for that one result of "being together."

But in reality, "being together" is just the beginning. The real test comes after you’re together.

During the pursuit stage, you can get by on passion, novelty, and dopamine. But once you’re together, the passion fades, the novelty wears thin, and the dopamine drops. What’s tested then? Your ability to get along, your wisdom of tolerance, and your sense of when enough is enough.

Wen Laoshi often says: Liking is letting yourself go, but love is restraint. When you’re chasing someone, you can be unrestrained. But once you’re together, you have to learn to hold back. It’s not about wanting everything, or thinking more is always better. When enough rain has fallen, it’s time for it to stop.

月几望 — When the moon is at its fullest, it’s time for it to start waning

What does "月几望" mean? "Ji" (几) means nearly, almost. "Wang" (望) means full moon.

Put together, it means — the moon is nearly full, almost at its brightest roundest point.

This phrase is so evocative. It doesn’t say "the moon is full" — it says "the moon is nearly full" — almost there, approaching completeness.

Why not say full? Because after fullness comes decline. The day the moon is at its fullest is immediately followed by the day it starts to wane.

This is the principle that things reverse when they reach their extreme.

Applied to relationships, it means — your kindness to someone isn’t better the more of it there is. When kindness reaches its peak, going further turns it into a burden.

What does that mean? When you’re kind to someone, at first they’ll be moved and cherish it. But if you keep being kind, getting kinder and kinder, with no bottom line, they get used to it, become numb, and even start taking it for granted.

At that point, if you keep giving more, it won’t deepen the relationship — instead, it’ll make them feel pressured, even suffocated. Your kindness becomes a burden to them.

Just like the moon: it’s most beautiful when it’s nearly full, because there’s still anticipation. Once it’s truly full, the next step is waning.

So smart people don’t wait for "fullness" to pull back. They know when to stop at the "nearly full" stage — when it’s almost there but not quite.

Leave a little space, leave a little room, leave a little anticipation. That’s how a relationship lasts.

君子征凶 — When accumulation hits its peak, pushing further brings misfortune

What does "君子征凶" mean? "Zheng" (征) means to march forward, to keep pushing ahead, to keep striving. "Xiong" (凶) means bad, risky.

Put together, it means — at this stage, if you keep charging forward, there will be risk.

The Nine at the Top is the final line of the Hexagram of The Taming Power of the Small, already at the very peak. When accumulation has reached its limit, if you keep "stockpiling," keep adding more, keep pushing forward, you’ve gone too far.

A lot of relationships fall apart just like this.

Not because they weren’t good enough, but because they were "too good" — so good it’s hard to breathe, so good people lose themselves, so good the relationship falls out of balance.

You’ve probably heard people say this — "I was so good to him, why would he leave me?"

The answer is often harsh: it’s precisely because you were too good that he left.

Why? Because your kindness was too heavy for him to carry. You put all your time, energy, and emotion into him, and he feels pressured. He’s afraid he can’t pay you back, afraid he’ll let you down, afraid your expectations of him are too high.

What’s more, the kinder you are to him, the higher your expectations of him become. You think to yourself — I’ve been so good to him, he should do this or that. The moment he doesn’t meet your expectations, you feel disappointed, wronged, and resentful.

In the end, your kindness becomes a debt he owes, and his debt becomes your resentment. A perfectly good relationship gets "stockpiled" into ruin just like that.

Wen Laoshi once said: The biggest taboo in relationships is trying too hard. You think it’s love, but it’s actually pressure; you think it’s giving, but it’s actually taking — what you’re taking is an equal response in return.

Three relationship mindsets from the Nine at the Top

The wisdom of the Nine at the Top of the Hexagram of The Taming Power of the Small boils down to one sentence: Close enough is good enough — don’t go for fullness.

How do you avoid going "too full"? Here are three directions to consider.

First direction: Accept the plainness of "既雨既处".

When the rain is done, the sky clears up. Don’t always wish it would rain every day, that there’d be passion every day. Passion, by its very nature, isn’t the normal state. What’s the normal state? Plainness, daily routine, steady and lasting care.

A lot of people can’t stand plainness, thinking that if things are plain, the love is gone. That’s not true. Plainness is another form of love — it hasn’t disappeared, it’s settled down, grown deeper, grown thicker.

Relationships that can accept plainness are the ones that go the distance. Constant grand, dramatic romance is for TV dramas, not real life.

Second direction: Hold to the balance of "月几望".

When you’re kind to someone, don’t give all your kindness at once. Hold a little back, go slower, keep a steady rhythm.

This isn’t about being secretive or holding out — it’s about not overdoing it. If you pour out all your enthusiasm at once, the other person can’t handle it, and you’ll run out of steam too.

What does a good relationship look like? Today you’re a little kinder to me, tomorrow I’m a little kinder to you — both of you give little by little, building it up slowly. It’s not one person giving like crazy while the other struggles to keep up.

Leave a little room, leave a little space, leave a little room for imagination. That’s how a relationship stays alive.

Third direction: Know when to pull back, as "君子征凶" warns.

Some things are good enough when they’re close enough — you don’t have to push them to the absolute extreme.

When you love someone, loving them 70 or 80 percent is enough; keep the remaining 20 or 30 percent to love yourself. When you’re kind to someone, be kind up to the point they can handle — any more than that becomes a burden.

This isn’t about loving less — it’s about loving smarter, more maturely. You know when to advance, when to retreat, when to add more, and when to hold back.

Knowing when enough is enough isn’t a sign you’ve stopped loving — it’s a sign you’ve gotten better at loving.

The Hexagram of The Taming Power of the Small, from the Nine at the Beginning (初九) line "returning to one’s own path" to the Nine at the Top’s "the rain has fallen and stopped," tells a complete story of accumulation.

From the initial start, to moving forward together in the middle, to adjusting during bottlenecks, to maintaining progress after small successes, to leading everyone forward together, and finally to knowing when to stop when accumulation reaches its peak.

Life is like this, career is like this, and relationships are like this too.

You need to know how to stockpile — stockpile ability, stockpile resources, stockpile affection. But even more, you need to know how to stop — know when to stop, know where the best place to stop is, know that fullness leads to decline.

Just as the Nine at the Top says — "月几望，君子征凶。"

The moon is most beautiful when it’s nearly full, and a relationship is sweetest when it’s just right.

Don’t crave more, don’t chase fullness.

Just right — that’s the best there is.