What to Do When You Have Bad Relationships? Yu Hexagram Six in Third Place Warns Against "Xu Yu" — The More You Please, the Less You Are Valued

Have you ever felt this way?

You're kind to everyone, never turn anyone down, always put others first, and dread offending anyone. You'd think you'd be super popular, right?

But you find that's not the case. People barely seem to take you seriously—you're never the first thought for good things, but always the first one called on for work. Even new hires dare to boss you around.

You feel so wronged. I'm this nice, so why are my relationships still so bad?

The Third Line (Six in the Third Place) of the Yu (Enthusiasm) Hexagram says: 「盱豫，悔；迟，有悔。」 (Xū yù, huǐ; chí, yǒu huǐ — "Obsequious enthusiasm brings remorse; hesitation brings further remorse.")

Wen Laoshi says that more often than not, bad relationships don't come from you not being good enough—they come from you holding yourself too low. The more you please others, the less they value you; the more you give in, the less they respect you.

What does "盱豫" (Xū yù) mean?

The character 盱 (xū) means to look up with wide eyes, to fawn and flatter to win favor.

The Six in the Third Place is the third line of the Yu Hexagram: a Yin Line in the third position, neither central nor proper. Its position is awkward—it sits at the top of the lower three lines, right next to the Nine in the Fourth Place above. The Nine in the Fourth Place is the ruling line of the Yu Hexagram, the "thigh"—the one with real power and authority.

What about the Six in the Third Place? It's a Yin Line, with no strength or confidence of its own, yet it still wants a piece of the ease and comfort the Yu Hexagram offers. So what does it do? It "盱" (xū) — looks up with a forced smile, currying favor with the Nine in the Fourth Place above. It hopes to get a share of benefits, a little security, by sucking up, fawning, and looking up to someone else.

And the result? "悔" (huǐ) — regret, remorse, a loss that outweighs any gain.

Why can't people-pleasing bring good results?

Because the moment you look up to someone, you make yourself smaller; the moment you fawn over someone, you cheapen yourself; the moment you set aside your dignity to迎合 others, they take you even less seriously.

You think if you're nice to people, they'll be nice back. But the reality is: the more you please, the more they look down on you; the more you give in, the more they push their luck; the more you value them, the less they value you.

That's just human nature.

What does "迟，有悔" (Chí, yǒu huǐ) mean?

One layer of regret isn't all there is for the Six in the Third Place—there's a second layer.

What does that mean? It means you realize people-pleasing doesn't work, you realize you've been taken advantage of, you know you shouldn't keep acting this way. But you hesitate, you drag your feet, you can't bring yourself to change.

You're afraid changing will make relationships worse, afraid of offending people, afraid of being left out. So you put it off, you let it drag on, you keep putting yourself through misery.

And the result? Another layer of regret—you regret the people-pleasing you did before, and now you regret not changing when you should have.

Two layers of regret, dragging you deeper and deeper.

Let me tell you a true story. There was a girl who was a total people-pleaser. She never said no when coworkers asked for help; she lent money to friends even if it meant skimping on her own expenses; when she was with her boyfriend, she went along with everything he wanted, even checking his mood before picking what to eat for dinner.

She was exhausted, and so wronged. She asked me, "I'm so nice to all of them—why don't they take me seriously?"

I told her, "Because you're holding yourself too low. The lower you put yourself, the higher the other person stands; when you look up to them, they naturally look down on you; when you fawn over them, they naturally take that treatment for granted."

This isn't just the other person's problem—it's a problem with the pattern of your relationship. You put yourself down first, which is why the other person dares not to value you.

The Xiang Commentary (Images) puts it plainly: 「盱豫有悔，位不当也。」 ("Obsequious enthusiasm brings remorse, for the position is not proper.")

The root of people-pleasing personality is that your "position is not proper"—you put yourself too low, you undervalue your own worth, and you care way too much about what other people think.

Good relationships come from attraction, not people-pleasing

There are three lines in the Yu Hexagram that are really interesting to compare side by side.

The Six in the Second Place is "介于石" (Jiè yú shí — "Firm as a rock") — it stands steady on its own strength and judgment, no need to leech off anyone else.

The Six in the Third Place is "盱豫" (Xū yù) — it tries to ride on other people's coattails through fawning and looking up, and ends up covered in regret.

The Nine in the Fourth Place is "由豫" (Yóu yù — "Source of enthusiasm") — it draws others to follow it through its own strength and vision.

Compare these three lines, and you'll understand.

In any relationship, if you can't stand up straight on your own, no one can hold you up; if you have your own value, no one can keep you down.

The core of relationships is never how you get along with others—it's how you get along with yourself. When you put yourself in the right place, relationships will naturally fall into place.

What makes a good relationship? Attraction, not people-pleasing; equality, not looking up to someone; value exchange, not one-sided giving.

If you have value, you don't have to please anyone—people will naturally want to be around you; if you have no value, no amount of people-pleasing will make them see you as anything more than someone to use.

How to fix it — just two sayings

How do you improve your relationships? How do you break people-pleasing habits?

Just two sayings.

First, stop "盱豫" (xū yù) — stop people-pleasing, stop looking up to others, stop groveling. Stand up straight, have your own boundaries and principles. Say no when you need to, turn people down when you should.

You think this will offend people? It won't. People who are actually worth knowing never need you to fawn over them; people who need you to fawn over them aren't worth knowing at all.

How do you stand up straight? Three small steps.

Learn to say no. When someone asks you for help, first think about whether you want to do it and whether it's convenient for you—not whether it will offend them. If you don't want to or it's not convenient, just say no directly.

Learn to speak up. If you have thoughts, needs, or frustrations, say them out loud. Don't bottle them up, don't grit your teeth and bear it, don't make yourself miserable.

Learn to filter. Not everyone deserves your kindness, not every relationship is worth maintaining. For people who are good to you, be even better to them; for people who don't value you, keep your distance.

Start with saying no to one small thing. Try it—the sky won't fall, and your relationships won't fall apart. If anything, once you have a backbone, people will respect you more.

Second, stop "迟" (chí) — the moment you realize something is wrong, fix it right away; the moment you sense something is off, step back immediately. No hesitation, no dragging your feet, no beating around the bush.

Every day you put it off is another day of regret; every day you let it drag on is another day of draining yourself. Cut what needs to be cut, fix what needs to be fixed, step away when you need to step away. Cut the knot with a sharp knife—short-term pain is better than long-term suffering.

The day you stand up straight is the day you'll be valued

Remember what Wen Laoshi says.

If being extra nice to people makes you less valued, it's not because you're not good enough—it's because you're holding yourself too low.

Good relationships are attracted, not earned through people-pleasing; they come from equal exchange, not one-sided giving.

The day you stand up straight is the day you'll be valued.

Don't "盱豫" (xū yù), don't "迟" (chí). Stand up straight, draw people in with your value, don't trade your dignity for relationships. Fix mistakes the second you spot them, step away the second you sense something's wrong.

Do this, and your relationships will actually get better. Because people who truly care about you never needed you to fawn over them in the first place; people who needed you to fawn over them? You won't miss them when they're gone.